Previously on Self-made Motherhood Blog...
I was freaked out and hugely disappointed to learn that it is illegal for me and my unmarried self to get fertility/conception assistance from any doctor in Hong Kong. For realsies. Check out the ordinance. But i picked myself up, dusted myself off, and was prepared to start all over again by planning an IUI with a major Boston hospital's fertility centre. Short story - here's how that all went:
Me: Hi, I'm single and TTC with frozen/thawed donor sperm and want to do an IUI w/your facility in December. How do I make that happen?
Them: Log on to our patient interface site and upload all your medical records pertaining to your previous fertility treatment.
Me: I haven't had any previous fertility treatment. I've only TTC'd twice. With frozen/thawed donor sperm. At home. So it's not exactly proven (or even suggested at this point) that I have any fertility issues. I just would rather do an IUI this time around to boost my chances since I won't have an opportunity for another year or more. I can't get assistance in Hong Kong because I'm unmarried, so it's against the law.
Them: Oh, okay. Well then just send us all of your medical records pertaining to your previous fertility treatment. Or have your doctor in Hong Kong send your records via the interface site, or by fax.
Me: Oh, um...I think I may have already mentioned this all several times before, but I haven't had any previous fertility treatment. I've only TTC'd twice. With frozen/thawed donor sperm. At home. So it's not exactly proven (or even suggested at this point) that I have any fertility issues. I just would rather do an IUI this time around to boost my chances since I won't have an opportunity for another year or more. I can't get assistance in Hong Kong because I'm unmarried, so it's against the law.
Them: Oh, I see. Well then, we'll have to run all your labs and testing when you get here.
Me: What kind of labs? I do have some standard bloodwork from my primary care physician in NYC, and also my most recent pap and STI screening. I could have all that sent over to you...
Them: No, we'll have to run the tests here.
Me: Well, I won't have insurance in the US when I come. Could you at least tell me how much any/all of this is going to cost?
Them: Hi *S. I'm a totally different person than who you've been corresponding with. I run the IVF clinic here. I'll just need all your previous medical records from your previous fertility treatment to assess your situation.
Me: Right...well, as I mentioned already...several times to the person before, I haven't had any previous fertility treatment. I've only TTC'd twice. With frozen/thawed donor sperm. At home. So it's not exactly proven (or even suggested at this point) that I have any fertility issues. I just would rather do an IUI this time around to boost my chances since I won't have an opportunity for another year or more. I can't get assistance in Hong Kong because I'm unmarried, so it's against the law. Also, how much is this all going to cost?
Them: Oh, I see. Well, the initial consult is $674. One day IUI is $891, and two-day IUI is $1782.
Them again: Hi *S. I'm a different different person than the last two people you've been in contact with. I handle financial services for the IVF clinic. Okay, so if you're doing unmedicated or Clomid cycle, it's $761. If you're using injectables, then it's $2,684.88.
Them again: Did you get our last e-mail? You'll also have to have an initial consultation which will cost $674. And from there we can determine what labs/tests will have to be run. This will increase your initial cost of treatment. Any questions?
Now picture me huddled up in front of my laptop reading this last message, rocking back and forth in the fetal position. And....scene.
So after an appropriate amount of freak out time, I did what any self-respecting nerd would do: I went back to some hardcore research. I remembered reading somewhere that someone had done their IUI at home, but it turned out her best friend was a nurse, so the nurse friend learned the procedure and did it for her at home. BUT, someone else had done it at home with a midwife. So I started researching Boston+Midwife+IUI.
After a lot of sorting of procedures and services, and mapping of distances, I came down to two places. 1. Midwives at Mount Auburn Hospital in Cambridge (MAMAH). 2. Alternative Insemination Center of Greater Boston (AICGB) in Arlington. I sent out a preliminary e-mail to MAMAH. AICGB didn't have an e-mail. Only a contact number. And since I hadn't yet figured out how to dial internationally on my cheapie rechargeable HK SIM card, I let it rest for a minute. A minute lasted exactly two days. I'd e-mailed over the weekend, so when I didn't hear anything back by Tuesday night (Hong Kong time), I figured out my SIM card dialing situation and called MAMAH. I explained my situation (living in HK, in Boston in December, want to try IUI). The person in charge was in a meeting, but the person I spoke to answered a bunch of my questions and told me that they do IUI only at their Arlington branch, and gave me the number to call to talk to someone directly there. Check this out: they charge $163 for the initial consultation, and then it's $190 per IUI. What were they charging me for at the mega hospital? Bureaucracy?!?!
So, just as I was about to dial MAMAH's Arlington branch, I looked down at my notes and realised that it was the same phone number I had for AICGB. Apparently, they used to be separate, but now they were merged. Well then!
In the interim, I've been e-mailing back and forth with a coordinator there. She's been fabulous and very attentive. She thinks it's awesome that I'm going for it in December. And she's taken my family medical history via e-mail and says my initial consult will be pretty short since we're getting most of this stuff out of the way in advance. I e-mailed scans of whatever medical records I do have and also PDF's of my charts from FertilityFriend.com. She said since I had all my physical exams, pap, and STI screening done in late December and late January, I won't have to make myself crazy trying to get it all done again. I just has to be within a year of IUI. And I come in just a few weeks under the wire. YAY! I am missing tests for Rubella, Varicella, Hepatitis C, and CMV. So i need to sort those out before I come.
In other Hong Kong awesome/kinda weird news: I signed up for Groupon HK, and found this in my inbox recently. It includes FSH, LH, and Prolactin levels testing (which I've never had checked before, but are good to know about when you're TTC), pap smear, breast exam, breast ultrasound, and pelvic ultrasound. No sh*t! And the cost? Total $888 HKD (approximately $114 USD). So weird! But i figure I should get a new pap before I TTC in December, because if/when I get knocked up, I definitely don't want any unnecessary poking and prodding up in there. Also, if you guys only knew how hard I tried to get a mammogram in NYC before I started TTC. If you don't have major medical insurance AND an already presenting lump, it is impossible to do for free or low cost if you're under 40 years old. Even when I explained that my mother was diagnosed at age 31, and I'm now 35...no dice. I got a lot of: "Well, you should definitely get screened then! But you'll have to pay out of pocket because we only test women over 40 here." Then with a random Groupon, I get a breast ultrasound (which are actually less invasive/uncomfortable/painful and can show abnormalities sooner). And it's a fraction of the price! Mind=Blown
Also, ordered one IUI vial of Bachelor #1 this past week. I'm waiting for a transfer from my HK bank to my US bank to go through (hopefully soon) so that I can order another one. I checked availability, and he currently has less than 10 IUI vials, and also less than 10 ICI vials before he's on hold for quarantine of the next batch again. I think the IUI vials go quicker, so I may have to get an ICI vial and have it prepped at MAMAH when I get there. AND, I have a friend who's going to be TTC with the same donor around the same time, so I'm hoping and praying for Christmas miracles for us both!
Stay tuned...
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
Perturbed is not even the word...
Hi Hi.
So, as you all know, when I got the offer to move to HK for work, it kicked my TTC plans into high gear and I jumped right in to do my first at-home ICI. BUT, at that time, the vials that I had pre-ordered for Bachelor #1 were still in quarantine AND I was told at that time that he was "off the catalogue" officially, and would not be available for more vials in the future except for sibling vials to families that had already conceived with him. It was a little devastating, but I didn't want to wait, and because of the move with work, didn't have the option to wait. I traded in my Bachelor #1 vials for Bachelor #2 vials and moved forward. Bachelor #2 was in very good health, his grandparents were either still living or had died of natural causes into their 80's and 90's. And he seemed like an all around decent human being. Plus, I had his childhood photo. He was a cute kid, and I didn't see any potential for a bad mix of physical DNA (i.e. ugly babies....just keepin' it real y'all. If I were doing this the old-fashioned way, I'd want to be attracted to the person I'd be making babies with, right?). So June rolled around and I tried my well-timed at-home ICI with Bachelor #2. BFN. But I got right back up and geared up for the next cycle (the last one before I would leave the country for work for the foreseeable future). At the last minute, I got a message from the lovely Miss T. She and I were both in want of Bachelor #1, and she just found out that he was suddenly, very unexpectedly available and back on the catalogue! You can read all about the harrowing tale of my second attempt (ICI 2.0) here. Long story short: BFN. Super depressed. A lot of crying and eating my feelings covered in ice cream.
Well, then I worked through some issues. Did some soul searching and big questions of life, the universe, and everything asking. I looked ahead to see when I might be ovulating in December. If there was just the tiniest glimmer of hope that I might be able to try again while I was back in the States at Christmas time. OMG, more than a glimmer. So, that's the current plan. Step off plane in Boston, sleep, go meet some people about getting knocked up.
Of course, I was well aware that Bachelor #1 is well-liked and may turn up unavailable come December. So I hit the books again (or rather the laptop again) and started pouring over the donor catalogue at The Bank. I like my Bachelor #2, but though he is a man of color, the color is technically not Black (i.e. African or African American ancestry). I figured it's been a while since I looked at other options, so I may as well see if anyone new has come into play. Hopefully, Bachelor #1 will be there when I need him. And if I don't find anyone awesome-r, then Bachelor #2 would suit me just fine. I'd already tried him once and pictured our PFC's during my 2ww last time.
But that's when I saw him: Donor 3997. He was half Black, half a bunch of other things that added up to Caucasian (not completely unlike my own mixed bag of family background DNA). And on paper, he was fertile as all get out. He had a daughter of his own from a previous relationship, and he'd also helped a lesbian couple conceive before getting with the program at The Bank. It also said he was "responsible for 2 other pregnancies". I can only guess that alludes to girls he'd knocked up that decided not to continue the pregnancies. From his childhood photos, you could tell he was very handsome, so it was not a big surprise that women were getting knocked up by him left, right, and center. I liked him so much I was now having a hard time deciding between 3997 (aka Bachelor #3) and Bachelor #1. I think this was back in September or October.
So the months go by, and I still haven't made a final decision. But my IUI Christmas Holiday Spectacular is getting closer, and I wanted to order my samples in advance. Then I had a detour. My cousin was traveling with work and stopping off in HK. We'd planned a weekend trip to Beijing together. I had to work for a few hours before heading to the airport, so she met me at work (the kids were anxious to see her. she was a somebody from New York that they were actually going to get to see again, unlike their school friends...), and we left to the airport from there. I was low on reading material, so I grabbed a couple of magazines from the coffee table at work to read on the flight. One would change the entire game for me...
Have you seen this Newsweek article on so-called "donorsexuals?" "Free Sperm Donors - and the women who want them"? It's a bit creepy. BUT reading about creepy guys who are willing to hook up with women to get them knocked up (not all the donations are "asexual" is all I'm saying) isn't what freaked me out. In the article, it highlights one donor in particular, and then tells of a website where donors and recipients can interface and make plans. Like a dating site almost. It's called the Free Sperm Donor Registry. For some reason, after reading this article, I had this odd, defenses-up feeling gnawing at me all weekend until I came home from Beijing.
I found the FSDR site and signed up. Then I started looking through files for potential donors. Somewhere around page 6 or 7, I had my apprehensions confirmed. Donor 3997, who has a limit to how many families he can create via The Bank, also goes by FSDR10103 (you have to be signed in to see his profile), and according to his stats page, he's fathered 8 children through donation. I'm not sure if his "AI", or artificial insemination, offspring includes donations to The Bank or not, but some of his offspring on the FSDR are the result of "NI" or natural insemination. That means he actually had sex with women that he met through FSDR. How can I be sure it was him, you ask? Well, he has a photo of himself as a young man posted with his profile and first name. And I recognized his face instantly from the childhood photos I'd ordered from The Bank! I was sick to my stomach.
On the FSDR, you can contact other users directly, so I got in touch and asked him flat out if he was the same donor I'd found at The Bank. He replied back asking how I knew he was at The Bank, and saying that he thought he was off their catalogue. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. It's entirely possible that he only donated at The Bank for a year and thought that several years later, his dealings there were done. But if he has 8 kids via donation (in any form), then how likely is it that he's been playing on both sides of the fence during some overlapping time period? I thought very likely. I didn't think he was being completely honest. So I messaged him back and told him how I'd gone through The Bank, and he was in my top two choices. I asked if he wouldn't mind telling me a bit more about himself. He never replied. Then, I thought to myself, The Bank is in Area X, and he's listed as still living in Area X on the FSDR. I googled other Banks in that area and started going through their donor catalogues. I found another profile that looked surprisingly similar at Rainbow Flag Health Services (Donor #46-201-421). No photo, but ethnicity, height, weight, and eye color all match up (hazel eyes are not that common).
So I guess that settles it for me, Bachelor #1 it is! I re-googled him and searched other Banks for similar profiles and found zip on that by the way. After what happened with Bachelor #3, I had to check! I called The Bank to place my pre-order. Then, after that was out of the way, I broached the subject of Donor 3997. I told her about the article I'd read and the FSDR. She said a registry is different from a sperm bank, and it probably just showed offspring. That it was unlikely that he was donating there. I elaborated and told her about his personal profile and that he listed himself as a donor willing to travel to meet the recipient for in-person inseminations. I actually heard her jaw hit the floor. I gave her all the info for where to look online. Then she asked if that was the only place I'd found him. I told her about Rainbow Flag as well. She asked if I wanted to be kept in the loop on follow-up with this. I said no because now that I know what I know, I won't be using him as a donor EVER, but that I felt obligated to share the information with The Bank because they have a strict policy on family limits. I mean, I'm looking at The Bank trying to wrap my head around the idea of 20 other families having a kid (or two or three) who are half-siblings to my own PFC's. The notion that he is out there spreading it around like Johnny-freakin'-Appleseed because he needs to see more little versions of himself running around in the world, and there could be hundreds of half-siblings out there if he's not stopped is completely abhorrent to me. Perturbed is not even the word...
Even more disturbing is that his profile still shows up in a search at The Bank. Currently very creeped out and embracing the divine intervention that put Bachelor #1 in my path in the first place.
Stay tuned...
So, as you all know, when I got the offer to move to HK for work, it kicked my TTC plans into high gear and I jumped right in to do my first at-home ICI. BUT, at that time, the vials that I had pre-ordered for Bachelor #1 were still in quarantine AND I was told at that time that he was "off the catalogue" officially, and would not be available for more vials in the future except for sibling vials to families that had already conceived with him. It was a little devastating, but I didn't want to wait, and because of the move with work, didn't have the option to wait. I traded in my Bachelor #1 vials for Bachelor #2 vials and moved forward. Bachelor #2 was in very good health, his grandparents were either still living or had died of natural causes into their 80's and 90's. And he seemed like an all around decent human being. Plus, I had his childhood photo. He was a cute kid, and I didn't see any potential for a bad mix of physical DNA (i.e. ugly babies....just keepin' it real y'all. If I were doing this the old-fashioned way, I'd want to be attracted to the person I'd be making babies with, right?). So June rolled around and I tried my well-timed at-home ICI with Bachelor #2. BFN. But I got right back up and geared up for the next cycle (the last one before I would leave the country for work for the foreseeable future). At the last minute, I got a message from the lovely Miss T. She and I were both in want of Bachelor #1, and she just found out that he was suddenly, very unexpectedly available and back on the catalogue! You can read all about the harrowing tale of my second attempt (ICI 2.0) here. Long story short: BFN. Super depressed. A lot of crying and eating my feelings covered in ice cream.
Well, then I worked through some issues. Did some soul searching and big questions of life, the universe, and everything asking. I looked ahead to see when I might be ovulating in December. If there was just the tiniest glimmer of hope that I might be able to try again while I was back in the States at Christmas time. OMG, more than a glimmer. So, that's the current plan. Step off plane in Boston, sleep, go meet some people about getting knocked up.
Of course, I was well aware that Bachelor #1 is well-liked and may turn up unavailable come December. So I hit the books again (or rather the laptop again) and started pouring over the donor catalogue at The Bank. I like my Bachelor #2, but though he is a man of color, the color is technically not Black (i.e. African or African American ancestry). I figured it's been a while since I looked at other options, so I may as well see if anyone new has come into play. Hopefully, Bachelor #1 will be there when I need him. And if I don't find anyone awesome-r, then Bachelor #2 would suit me just fine. I'd already tried him once and pictured our PFC's during my 2ww last time.
But that's when I saw him: Donor 3997. He was half Black, half a bunch of other things that added up to Caucasian (not completely unlike my own mixed bag of family background DNA). And on paper, he was fertile as all get out. He had a daughter of his own from a previous relationship, and he'd also helped a lesbian couple conceive before getting with the program at The Bank. It also said he was "responsible for 2 other pregnancies". I can only guess that alludes to girls he'd knocked up that decided not to continue the pregnancies. From his childhood photos, you could tell he was very handsome, so it was not a big surprise that women were getting knocked up by him left, right, and center. I liked him so much I was now having a hard time deciding between 3997 (aka Bachelor #3) and Bachelor #1. I think this was back in September or October.
So the months go by, and I still haven't made a final decision. But my IUI Christmas Holiday Spectacular is getting closer, and I wanted to order my samples in advance. Then I had a detour. My cousin was traveling with work and stopping off in HK. We'd planned a weekend trip to Beijing together. I had to work for a few hours before heading to the airport, so she met me at work (the kids were anxious to see her. she was a somebody from New York that they were actually going to get to see again, unlike their school friends...), and we left to the airport from there. I was low on reading material, so I grabbed a couple of magazines from the coffee table at work to read on the flight. One would change the entire game for me...
Have you seen this Newsweek article on so-called "donorsexuals?" "Free Sperm Donors - and the women who want them"? It's a bit creepy. BUT reading about creepy guys who are willing to hook up with women to get them knocked up (not all the donations are "asexual" is all I'm saying) isn't what freaked me out. In the article, it highlights one donor in particular, and then tells of a website where donors and recipients can interface and make plans. Like a dating site almost. It's called the Free Sperm Donor Registry. For some reason, after reading this article, I had this odd, defenses-up feeling gnawing at me all weekend until I came home from Beijing.
I found the FSDR site and signed up. Then I started looking through files for potential donors. Somewhere around page 6 or 7, I had my apprehensions confirmed. Donor 3997, who has a limit to how many families he can create via The Bank, also goes by FSDR10103 (you have to be signed in to see his profile), and according to his stats page, he's fathered 8 children through donation. I'm not sure if his "AI", or artificial insemination, offspring includes donations to The Bank or not, but some of his offspring on the FSDR are the result of "NI" or natural insemination. That means he actually had sex with women that he met through FSDR. How can I be sure it was him, you ask? Well, he has a photo of himself as a young man posted with his profile and first name. And I recognized his face instantly from the childhood photos I'd ordered from The Bank! I was sick to my stomach.
On the FSDR, you can contact other users directly, so I got in touch and asked him flat out if he was the same donor I'd found at The Bank. He replied back asking how I knew he was at The Bank, and saying that he thought he was off their catalogue. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. It's entirely possible that he only donated at The Bank for a year and thought that several years later, his dealings there were done. But if he has 8 kids via donation (in any form), then how likely is it that he's been playing on both sides of the fence during some overlapping time period? I thought very likely. I didn't think he was being completely honest. So I messaged him back and told him how I'd gone through The Bank, and he was in my top two choices. I asked if he wouldn't mind telling me a bit more about himself. He never replied. Then, I thought to myself, The Bank is in Area X, and he's listed as still living in Area X on the FSDR. I googled other Banks in that area and started going through their donor catalogues. I found another profile that looked surprisingly similar at Rainbow Flag Health Services (Donor #46-201-421). No photo, but ethnicity, height, weight, and eye color all match up (hazel eyes are not that common).
So I guess that settles it for me, Bachelor #1 it is! I re-googled him and searched other Banks for similar profiles and found zip on that by the way. After what happened with Bachelor #3, I had to check! I called The Bank to place my pre-order. Then, after that was out of the way, I broached the subject of Donor 3997. I told her about the article I'd read and the FSDR. She said a registry is different from a sperm bank, and it probably just showed offspring. That it was unlikely that he was donating there. I elaborated and told her about his personal profile and that he listed himself as a donor willing to travel to meet the recipient for in-person inseminations. I actually heard her jaw hit the floor. I gave her all the info for where to look online. Then she asked if that was the only place I'd found him. I told her about Rainbow Flag as well. She asked if I wanted to be kept in the loop on follow-up with this. I said no because now that I know what I know, I won't be using him as a donor EVER, but that I felt obligated to share the information with The Bank because they have a strict policy on family limits. I mean, I'm looking at The Bank trying to wrap my head around the idea of 20 other families having a kid (or two or three) who are half-siblings to my own PFC's. The notion that he is out there spreading it around like Johnny-freakin'-Appleseed because he needs to see more little versions of himself running around in the world, and there could be hundreds of half-siblings out there if he's not stopped is completely abhorrent to me. Perturbed is not even the word...
Even more disturbing is that his profile still shows up in a search at The Bank. Currently very creeped out and embracing the divine intervention that put Bachelor #1 in my path in the first place.
Stay tuned...
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