So, obviously it's been a while. Obviously. I wish I could tell you that I've been so busy between the morning sickness, midwife appointments, making the big announcement to all my friends and family, and getting ready for the holidays that I just haven't had the free time to blog anything at all. I wish. Thailand was lovely in August of 2012, but it did not result in a tiny parasitic humanoid form taking shape within my body. Just didn't. And a lot of my time away from the blog was more about my depression and not wanting to talk about any of it at all. Not wanting to feel any of it, really. But since I'm not a drinker or mind-altering substance user, there was not much I could do about the feeling of my feelings. So I just didn't talk.
I didn't call my acupuncturist. In fact, I haven't scheduled another appointment since. It's not that I'm completely giving up. But I'm giving up for now. I've projected my cycles into the next year and there doesn't seem to be any time where even a long weekend and my ovulation will even maybe coincide. So It looks like I'm out of the baby-making game until I make my triumphant (permanent) return to the US. And since the acupuncture is so expensive, I've decided to give it up until such a time as I am gearing up for actively trying again (despite however much I liked benefits I felt it gave me physically). I didn't tell the few people who knew I was trying in August unless they asked me directly. Thankfully, most of them kept silent and waited for me to say something and seem to have been very loving and understanding of me just not bringing it up.
I felt depressed. I still feel depressed. But I also felt/feel guilty about my depression...which makes me a little more depressed...and guilty...and so on. I had other TTC friends who were pregnant for sure, and then all too soon were suddenly not pregnant anymore. I was actually partly envious. At least they know that they actually can get pregnant. The next step for them is just to try again and hope to stay pregnant. Sounds simple, but I know it's not. They feel every bit the failure that I do, and then some. Not being pregnant is a state of being that my body knows very well. I can't imagine the physical toll of being pregnant and then miscarrying.
So...That's what was happening about six months ago. This is what's happening now:
Well, let me back track just a little bit. Last Christmas & New Year (2012/2013), I came back to the states to visit my family, as is my custom from HK. Just before NYE, my cousin (who is four years my junior & to whom I've always felt as close as a sister) became extremely ill and was in respiratory distress. She was in a medically induced coma for about five weeks, from New Year's Day until around the second week of February 2013. I was supposed to leave back to HK on January 4th, but ended up changing my flight to stay for an extra week to see if her condition would improve. Though they transferred her to another hospital to be on some other bigger, scarier machine that only that hospital had, her condition was still critical. I had to fly back to HK to work and get what news I could from the family from there. I had a week off work for Chinese New Year & was going to come back to visit then, but I missed the cut-off for not-completely-insane airfares & had to put it off until the end of March. Upon seeing my cousin, who was working on her post-rehab hospital rehab at her sister's house, I made the decision (which I'd been agonizing over for ages) to leave the family I'd been nannying for in the fall, after my contract for that year was ended. I celebrated this decision by buying tickets to P!nk's Truth About Love Tour coming to Brooklyn in December for my cousin & me. It was a way to cement in my mind & my heart that 1) my cousin's recovery would be complete & she'd be well enough, and also 2) that I had really committed to leaving HK for good. I'd been with my nanny family for six years, moved to Hong Kong with them two years ago & helped raise both of their little girls from infancy. It wasn't easy, even after I'd already made up my mind during that visit home in March/April, it took another month before I could force myself to tell the parents. I ended up staying three months past the end of my contract so that I could still travel with the children in the summer & give them enough time after that to get into a good routine starting back at school & have a long transition period to my departure. Overall, I had a good transition out. The kids & I marked the days off their special calendar & talked about my upcoming departure often. They asked a lot of questions & asked me often not to go. It was difficult, but given enough time to process everything, I really think the girls weren't harmed by it. Plus, we still exchange messages on Whatsapp via their dad & the housekeeper & are planning a Skype session soon. I spent my last day in HK before flying out with the family & it was such a nice day together! Right up until we actually had to part ways and their mother & I took one look at each other and became sobbing hot messes, hugging and blocking foot traffic on a busy corner. But the girls just laughed at us for being so silly since "...We're still gonna see you on Skype! You don't have to be sad because we'll still get to see each other!"
That was the end of November 2013. Now I'm back in the US, sleeping on my cousin's couch (yes, that cousin - her physical recovery was nothing short of miraculous, and that P!nk concert was fan-frickin'-tastic!), interviewing for a new nanny position, and keeping my eye/ear out for apartments in my price range in Brooklyn so that I can sign a lease & snap one up as soon as I get job confirmation. It's stressful being in someone else's space (with my very sweet but very active cat, Precious Roy), but I have faith that I'm almost at the end of my job quest & things will settle down soon.
And when they do, I'll be ready. I'm already looking at possible new donors. Checking out new sperm banks as well. In the two years since I started actively TTC, PRS has raised their prices on open-identity swimmers from $475 ICI/$565 IUI in 2010/2011 to $565 ICI/$675 IUI in 2012 to $605 ICI/$735 IUI in 2013. Plus tank deposit & shipping. Plus the fact that you have to pay extra for every shred of donor info past the Short Profile. Long Profile, Baby Photo, Adult Photo, Audio Interview, & Video Interview...more money, more money, more money. And of course I don't want the decision of who will ultimately "father" my children to come down to money, but I've gotta leave something in the budget for prenatal care & delivery, and actually raising the child. Ya feel me? And I need those photos...If I were going about this the old fashioned way, I'd need to feel some sort of attraction to my child's father or it just would not be going down. And two years ago, PRS boasted the most open-identity donors of any bank in the US. That may still be true, but a lot more banks are initiating open-id donor programs and that gives all of us out here in the struggle a lot more options. And with this new Affordable Care Act, once I do land a job, I actually have a shot at being able to afford preventive health care. With enough research, I might even be able to get myself on a plan that will cover some of the testing associated with TTC if it starts to look like there might be a problem. Thanks Obama!
So yeah, that's how my 2014 is kicking off. The saga continues. Stay tuned...
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