Well, That Was Anticlimactic....

...or Things To Do in Jersey When Your Sperm Is Dead.

Yup, you read that right.  I wasn't even going to go forward with insem this cycle.  I'm traveling tomorrow (cd12, the day before my projected usual ovulation day), so I had originally decided to have my box-o-sperm shipped to my destination, figuring with the time difference, I'd still be on my usual schedule to insem before ovulating overnight/early morning on cd13.  BUT THEN, I started OPK'ing in the morning on cd10.  It was fmu, so I just used a dip strip, figuring either a) it was too early to get any real reading, or b) if I was starting to produce LH, fmu would be a concentrated sample and better not to throw the digital off.  Yeah, well that dip strip came up with two dark lines. WHAT????  I did my best not to panic.  I packed a few OPK's to take to work with me (digital, midstream, and dip strip).  I POS around 9am and came up with two more dark lines on dip strip and midstream, and a big fat smiley face on the digital.  This was a Wednesday.  There was absolutely no way that ovulation was gonna wait until late Friday night.  I frantically dialed The Bank.  The Tardis was supposed to ship Wednesday to arrive at my destination on Friday.  They were able catch it before it left and re-rout it to my home & send it overnight so I'd receive it Thursday (cd11) and be able to insem when I got home from work.  I kept getting positive tests all day until about 9pm Wednesday.  Negative digital and the test lines on the midstream and dip strips were starting to fade.  I was also (very uncharacteristically) experiencing what I think were sharp ovulation pains on my right side.  I was positive I had ovulated and was out for the count.  Adding insult to injury, all the trouble I'd gone through to get the Tardis delivered overnight (more money out the window).

A friend on one of my message boards looked at my chart and said that my cd11 temp rise wasn't a high spike like it would have been if I'd ovulated and that I should just go for it.  I decided to check my cervix when I got home from work, just to soothe my conscience  that I'd given it every logical effort before shipping the sample back to The Bank and asking them to hold it until the next cycle.  Disappointing, but at least I wouldn't be throwing away money trying an insem when I was already sure it was too late.  You know, save that money for the next one.  But my cervix was open and ooooozing ewcm.  I decided to go for it.  I did my usual and set up my area (magnifying mirror, light source, speculum, Pre-Seed, Instead cups for just in case, cotton swabs, syringe and catheter, ferning microscope) and began the thawing process.

I took the vial out of the Tardis and placed it in the finger of a sterile exam glove (to protect it from any water getting in), then placed that into a luke warm water bath (97.6 F) for a little under ten minutes.

After removing it from the water (and the glove), I gently turn the vial over a few times to mix the contents.  Then I place it under my right boob (a thing I can do at my cup size) to keep it at body temperature until I'm ready to insem.  I attach the catheter to the syringe, keeping the length of the catheter in its packaging to keep it sterile until use.  When I'm sure I've got everything in place, I set the vial on the table and slowly draw the sperm up through the catheter into the syringe.  Then I place a single drop from the tip of the catheter onto the lens of my ferning microscope so I can have a look at my swimmers swimming.  Except they weren't swimming.  Instead of a million tiny dots dancing, I saw a million tiny dots completely still.  I thought I must be focusing the lens wrong.  I looked away and looked again with fresh eyes, adjusting the focus.  Still all dead.  This had never, ever happened to me before.  I tried to keep a level head.  I cleaned the lens and tried another drop from the tip of the syringe.  Same thing.  I cleaned the lens again and tapped out as much as I could manage from the lid of the vial.  I looked again.  Nothing.  The only time there was any movement was when I rebalanced the microscope in my hands and the liquid of the sample would move with gravity. A Dead Sea of sperm.  I was livid.  In shock.

I did the insem anyway since I was already in position, hoping against all hope that there might be one living, fighting swimmer in the sample that might hit its target; but I'm absolutely not optimistic.  I e-mailed the Bank that same night.  The next morning, I received this response:

"Good morning,

In situations such as these, normally a specimen report form is completed and sent back to us for review.  Unfortunately these are normally completed by lab technicians at their respective fertility clinics and as this was done at your home, you will not be able to complete it as required.

There would be no compensation or anything in this case, I am sorry.

Regards,"

So, basically, because I chose to home insem, I have no recourse for recompense of any kind.  $1000+ wasted on a cycle that never even had a chance. I felt so frustrated, defeated, sorrowful, and angry.

I'm on vacation for my birthday, and after paying the rest of this month's bills this morning, I'm pretty broke. A bit worried that I may have to dip into my savings (aka Spermcicle Fund) to cover rent when I get back home at the end of the week.  On top of that, I still have to find a new gynecologist so that I can have a new medical release form signed for the Bank so that I can go forward with another insemination.  Between booking that appointment and this month's bills, I may need to skip May and wait until June to try again.  I'm so angry right now, but trying to get myself into a better frame of mind so that I can enjoy my time on vacation with my friends, and celebrate my birthday.  

Stay tuned...