Issa No From Me, Dawg...

So....previously on Self-Made Motherhood Blog....we were testing positive on EPT's and also bleeding like nobody's business and also waiting on bloodwork results to tell us what any of this might mean.  No. It means 'No'.  The bloodwork results are in and I am unequivocably not pregnant.  "What were your HcG serum numbers though?" you might be asking.  The answer to that question is "0".  This can mean one of two things (probably of more than two things, but these are the two most likely scenarios I can come up with).  1) My light positives on 12 & 13dpo were a fertilized little ball of something that failed to implant or got impeached when I started bleeding because my uterus is stubborn and the only thing about me that ever runs according to schedule; or 2) positive tests on 12 & 13dpo and fading positive tests on 14dpo were my HcG trigger shot still filtering out of my system and the Osom brand tests really are just that damned sensitive.  Either way, I need to plan my next move.  My bank account is telling me I'm not ready to do another cycle right away.  Most likely I'll wait for my holiday bonus to come in from work and plan a January cycle with that.  

Last year, I was planning to buy/finance a new laptop, but my crap cell phone died semi-unexpectedly and because cell phone companies no longer give you the latest phones for $200 when you sign a new contract, I ended up spending a hefty chunk of my bonus on a new phone and accessories (gotta have the screen protector and indestructible case or else you may as well just give them all of your money now for when it breaks) & the rest on TTC.  This year, I'd really, really like to actually get a new laptop (and also throw some funds at TTC).  So I'm currently planning for a January cycle (same protocol: Letrozole, follie ultrasound, trigger, IUI at home, progesterone for the tww).  But...I'm gonna try to save some extra leading up to the holidays so that I can, hopefully, afford to do two or three consecutive cycles and up my chances with the cumulative effect.

For a hot second, I considered saving up for a cycle with the injectable FSH (Follistim) like I'd been planning for this last cycle before I got smacked in the face with how much the Follistim alone cost (and how shit my insurance is that the Follistim is "covered", but I'd still have to come up with $3k out of pocket).  But then at that price, if I could get that kind of money together in that time frame, I might as well wait and save some more and just do IVF.  And since I brought it up...I really don't want to do IVF, but I'm getting older and it's starting to look like a semi-attractive option (I mean, they fertilize the eggs and pick the best looking ones and put them directly into your uterus...It takes a lot of the guess work out, ya know?).  I'm not saying I'm looking into IVF for real-for real, but I think I'm going to start investigating it as a viable option (or, rather, investigating it to see if it is a viable option for me).  New Jersey actually has some kind of state mandated financial assistance for IVF, but I don't know what the income or maternal age restrictions might be.  I know my insurance is too crappy to cover the actual IVF procedures, but I don't know if it covers any of the meds or monitoring.  And then, what's the state financial assistance look like once the insurance coverage (or lack thereof) is factored in.  And would all of this still be more expensive than if I just went to Barbados or somewhere and did the IVF there?  And does my sperm bank even ship internationally???  It's a lot of questions and I probably don't even know the right questions to ask t this point.  So, there's definitely research to be done there.  I like to have my bases covered so that if it does come up at an RE visit, I'll already know what else I want to know.

So, umm....yeah.  Guess that's that for now.  Stay tuned...

Yes? No? Maybe So?

Last time on Self-made Motherhood Blog.....saw RE2 for the CD11 ultrasound to check on pre-O follies and got the go-ahead to trigger.  I'd brought it with me (because intramuscular needles are scary and I'm a wimp), so the nurse at the office administered the shot for me, and I was all set to do the IUI at home the following morning (which happened to be a Saturday, so no work worries or anything else scheduled).  I woke up at 6am on Saturday and started the thawing process around 6:30am or so (took me a while to locate my deep freeze handling gloves before I could open the spermcicle canister).  Set the timer on that (40 minutes at room temperature).  My procedural area was mostly set up already from the night before, so I just double checked that I had everything I'd need and got the mirror, light, and support pillows in place.  Then I ate a little something so that I wouldn't get hungry while I was reclining afterwards.  Timer went off and I held the sample in my hand for a minute to bring it to body temperature (as per the thawing instructions). I got the syringe and catheter ready, tested a drop on the microscope (his swimmers really are amazing), and assumed the position.  Insem was complete a little before 8am.  As I'd been up so early, I actually dozed for a bit on the sofa (where I do the insem - it's firmer than my bed, so makes for a better surface to keep things in place).  When I looked at the microscope again after a couple hours, there was still a lot of action happening.  So we know that my bachelor of choice has some very vigorous and hardy swimmers.  Since I'd anticipated ovulating on the left, I spent some time on my left side, then a little bit on my right, just in case.  And that was it!

About a week later at 7dpo, I tested with an Osom just to see if the trigger was still in my system.  Positive test said yes to that.  I also did another OPK (dip strip and digital) just to see if they would pick up on the HCG in my system (as some OPK's can confuse it for LH as they're molecularly similar) and both showed up negative with very faint lines, which is my standard for that time of my cycle after ovulation.  I'd read that some women tested out their triggers as early as 10dpo, so I started EPT'ing every couple of days after that to see the HCG trigger fade down & that way, I figured, I'd know for sure I was pregnant if it started to get darker again.  HA!  What's the saying about how we make plans and God laughs?  That.  I experienced that.  I tested with Osom (the most sensitive EPT I've found, recommended by a friend in the struggle) on 9dpo at 7am and it was still a faint line. 10dpo at 4:30am: barely visible line.  I figured the trigger must me almost out of my system because I could just barely make out there was a test line. 11dpo at 7am (more than 24hrs after the last one) and the line was faint, but darker than the day before!  Maybe we're on to something.  Also did a dip strip OPK that wasn't positive, but darker than usual for the part of my cycle.  12dpo at 3:15am (I often fall asleep watching tv, reading, or doing something on my laptop and wake up around this time, just in time to pack up my laptop, set out the next day's vitamins, and go to the bathroom before getting a couple more hours of sleep in before work).  Anyway, 12dpo at 3:15am there was barely a line there. OPK dip strip was showing up near positive though.  Weird, but whatever.  I went to bed.  Tested again upon "really" waking up for 12dpo a few hours later at 7am.  Faint line darker than the 3:15am try! WHAT???  And a dark positive OPK dip strip.  Intrigued.  I went through the day tentatively.  My LP is never more than 11 days unless I'm on Clomid, so this was uncharted territory and I could've gotten my period at any moment.  But I didn't.  Not all day. But I was steeling myself against the inevitable disappointment of my period coming along to ruin everything.  I tested again when I got home from work: 12dpo at 7:40pm: the line was much lighter than 12hrs earlier.  My heart sank. Maybe I had a fertilized egg that tried, but just didn't implant. Happens all the time.  Right?  13dpo at 3:30am (fell asleep watching tv and woke up & tested):  Even fainter line than before.  Ugggghhhhh!  Went to bed and tested again at 6:50am:  A very recognizable faint line! Darker than the last TWO tests.  Maybe something had latched on after all? Also a super dark positive OPK dip strip AND a technically negative digital (no smiley face), BUT the test line on that stick was nearing dark, too (as opposed to when you're really just not producing anything of note and there's no test line at all).  It was Friday.  Exactly two weeks from my follie ultrasound and trigger.  I had a busy day planned at work and didn't have time to call RE2's office until after 3pm, but thanked God for no spotting or bleeding every time I used the toilet the whole day.  I sneaked off to the bathroom and left a message for the RE2 nurses telling them I had a positive pregnancy test (it felt so odd to say that out loud - most especially because both my bosses were working from home that day and I was extra self-conscious about being accidentally overheard).  Then I went to the bathroom (which I hadn't done since about 10:30am - told you it was a super busy day).  Blood.  Not just a pink tinge when I wiped.  Blood drops in the toilet when I peed and clots (CLOTS) on the paper when I wiped.  I was gutted.

The nurse service rang me back.  I told them about the positive tests for the past couple days and that I was currently bleeding.  She asked if it was spotting or real bleeding.  I said it seemed like a heavy bleed, like the start of a period, but that I'd gotten a positive test in the morning, so what now?  She wanted me to come in for bloodwork (HCG beta) on Monday (because you may be pregnant and miscarrying, but we're not coming in to deal with you on a weekend, dearie).  Then I'd need to come in and do the repeat beta on Wednesday to see if the numbers were going up or not.  I asked if there was anything else done at this type of appointment or if it was just the blood draw.  Just the blood draw.  I suggested she get the Rx for the beta sent to Labcorp, so I wouldn't have to miss work to do it (there's one close-by where I work).  Plus, the one close by my job is open on Saturday, so I could do a walk-in and get the beta done even sooner.  She agreed to that and sent the request over to Labcorp.  I'd have to go back Monday to do the repeat beta.  I was worried about the wait being too long for me to get it done without an appointment on Monday (they only had late afternoon appointments left for Monday and I can't take a chatty 3yr old and a squirmy 15mos old from work with me for this. I mean, the baby's pre-verbal.  The 3yr old would blow my cover as soon as we got home though. Plus, I never mess with naptime. No way).  BUT when I'd done my walk-in on Saturday, I got there 30 minutes after they'd opened and the waiting room was already near full; but they had me in and out in about 30 minutes regardless (even had the same phlebotomist who'd done my pre-cycle labs).  So I figure if I get there at 6:45am on Monday (before they open at 7am) and can be the first walk-in in line, I should have no problem getting to work on time. Just in case it doesn't happen that way though, I booked an 11am appointment for Tuesday (after I drop the big girl off to school).  I figure a day late is better than nothing and math is math.  If the numbers are going up or down, it'll still show up in the bloodwork a day later than planned for. Forgot to mention, tested 4:30am & 3:30pm on Saturday (14dpo) and both super faint lines, lighter than 13dpo morning.  OPK's were super dark test lines on both, but digital is calling it a negative (possible the digi knows the difference between LH and HCG, even when it's lines are dark).  Tested again at 9:35am (my weekend version of 7am) and have a very faint, barely there line.  OPK's still coming out super dark.

Oh, other fun facts (in case this isn't confusing enough for you yet):  My BBT temps started dropping at 12dpo and tanked HARD (below the coverline) on 14dpo.  But SURPRISE! BBT is back WAY up this morning (15dpo).  I'm still taking the progesterone until I get a definitive answer from RE2 about my bloodwork.  That didn't stop my temps from plummeting over the last few days, so I can't be sure it's in any way responsible for the temp spike this morning.

Remember that thing I was saying about us making plans and God laughing?  Yeah, well I just got a text from work and they want me to come in about 15 minutes early Monday....so I'm still gonna try to be there before Labcorp opens and do a walk-in to get the repeat beta, but if they can't get to me by 7:15am, I'll have to leave and try to walk-in again Tuesday morning (and if that doesn't work, bring the baby & come at the appointment time I have saved for Tuesday which is at the exact same time as the Halloween party at the library that the baby and I are supposed to be at).  #SuperFunTimes  I also went ahead and scheduled appointments for Wednesday and Thursday in case they need to repeat it again to see what's going on.

So that's where I'm at for the moment.  Stay tuned....

*sigh...

Previously on Selfmade Motherhood Blog....Our hero freaked out about some weird OPK results, but eventually settled down and did another home IUI.  The two-week wait was so weird this time around!  I decided to apply OTC progesterone cream a few times a day (totaling about 360mg), in an effort to support my LP and give any fertilized thing in there a chance to stick around.  I was legit nauseous from 3dpo onward.  It happened first at work.  I'd eaten breakfast (oatmeal, as usual) with my work baby, but then I got all....weird.  Like my stomach was unsettled.  I wasn't sure what it was, but I figured it would pass.  But it didn't.  It was starting to get a little work, in fact.  I finally identified it as nausea and ate a small piece of candied ginger (because I keep a stash of random teas and candied ginger at work), and felt better almost immediately.  This happened almost every time I ate anything for the next 8 or 9 days.  So, that was new.  On top of that, 8dpo rolled around, and my boobs weren't sore and pms-ish like they usually are.  Then came 9dpo. Still no sore boobs.  I decided to test.  I mean, I was getting nauseous and dizzy AND my boobs didn't hurt in the slightest????  Could this be it?????  Nope.  Not according to my 9dpo pregnancy test anyway.  I tested again at 11dpo, and 13dpo.  Both negative, but I didn't want to give up hope.  After all, my cycle pretty much never gets past 11dpo, not even using the progesterone cream during my "shutdown".  But then on 13dpo, I started cramping in the evening.  Then I spotted something brown around 9:30pm.  I knew this could spell the beginning of the end, but it still wasn't full-on bleeding, and I didn't spot anymore that night.

By the next morning, however, I definitely was doing more than spotting.  The cramps came after that.  Not horrible and debilitating as per my usual though.  I strapped on a heating pad and went about my business.  I didn't medicate until I got home from work later that evening.

So, no pregnancy, but I swear this is the strangest and most pregnant I've ever felt (based on my previous ttc experiences of wondering if all of my pms symptoms might actually be early pregnancy symptoms - SPOILER ALERT: They weren't. Not once. Not ever so far. - and the lack of all of my usual pms symptoms made me really think/feel like this might be it) .  The "symptoms" were just all so completely out of the ordinary for me.  I really didn't know what to make of it all.  Except no impending baby.  So, yeah....pretty bummed out.

My brand new shiny (Bronze level - read: crappy, not that great) health insurance had just kicked in though, and I decided to make an appointment with the closest RE's (reproductive endocrinologist) office that accepted my insurance.  I booked an appointment for Wednesday, February 17th.  At this point, I have no idea what anything was going to cost or what would or would not be covered by my insurance.  And I realize I haven't been going hard on the ttc front every single month for the past five years (six if you count when I started charting to figure all my lady business out).  So, it's been five years since my first sperm bank purchase and home insem ttc experience, but I've also only made actual ttc attempts for eight out of maybe 65 or more cycles.  So, my journey hasn't been as intense emotionally and physically as a lot of other people's, but....You know what?  I'm gonna make this into a new post.  This was my "Hi, Still Not Pregnant!" post and I'm going to give that post the space it needs and deserves.  I will move on to the next conversation on the next post and we can discuss what all is going on with my lady business.

Stay tuned...

The Results Are In....

Um....so, yeah...I'm not pregnant.  *sigh*  I was supposed to test on Saturday, May 16th, but my period came all Swiss precision-like on Friday the 15th.  I was actually really hopeful this time around because I was feeling a little crappy and my boobs were HUGE. But also because my temperature dipped at 8 & 9DPO and then went back up again, so I thought it could have possibly been an implantation dip.  Maybe it was, but my uterus is such a stickler for its schedule, it just wouldn't let anything stick (which is an odd paradox for someone who is habitually late for pretty much everything).

Anyhoo, I debated on whether or not to go for it again with the next cycle (which would be at the end of May) or wait for the June cycle.  I decided to jump right back in while my body still halfway remembers what we're trying to accomplish.  Plus, I'll be hardcore apartment hunting in June and can't afford to stress out over that and getting knocked up.  If it doesn't work out at the end of May, I'll be on a bit of a longer break again while I re-group financially, and also get settled in a new apartment (again....urrrgggghhh!).  But hopefully, not too long of a break.  Hopefully, I won't need another go after May!!!

Stay tuned...

Once Again, It's (still) ON!!!!

(continued from previous post)


Right! So, I got my first positive digital OPK smiley face around 10am on Saturday, which was CD12.

Regular Midstream OPK & Digital OPK
CD12 at 10am

 I spent most of the day arguing with myself over whether or not to do one insem that night or wait until the next morning.  Honestly, if I'd had three vials, I probably would have, but I didn't want to waste a chance by going for it too early and having the swimmers die off before an egg was even released.  Naturally, this made sleeping a bit Night Before Christmas-ish.  I was just so excited!  A friend from one of my message boards conceived both of her children at home with IUI vials (even though it was just an intravaginal insem done by herself), and she'd conceived her first child by doing the insems at something like 20 & 30 hours after her first OPK+, and her second with just one insem at about 30 hours after the first OPK+.  I figured I'd follow her lead.

Midstream & Digital OPK's on CD13
before the first insem...Still on surge!

I got up a little after 6am and started getting things ready.  Brushed my teeth, got a glass of water & a cup of tea ready to set on my station next to the bed.  Did another round of OPK's (because my obsessive nature compelled me to do so).  Still coming up with a smiley face on the digital.  Moving ahead with confidence that I made the right decision about the timing.  I pulled on my protective gear and extricated the ICI vial from the cryotank.  Following the thawing instructions (see inset), I let it sit for a moment until it was warm enough to touch with my bare hand. Then I placed the vial in one finger of a pair of sterile gloves and put in a cup of tepid water until the sample within was fully liquified.

ICI vial getting ready for its bath

Fully liquified 1ml ICI vial - hoping
for so much from so little

Then I gently agitated the vial.  I connected the catheter to the syringe and pumped it a couple of times to break the seal, then I inserted the catheter all the way to the bottom of the vial and drew up the specimen (swimmers).

After drawing all of the sample into the syringe/catheter, I pressed down on the plunger (slowly) to expel any excess air. While doing this, I also expelled a small droplet onto an ovulation microscope.

Place the droplet onto the lens and
then replace the lens onto the scope,
turn on the light, and focus until
you can see the tiny swimmers.

 The magnification is not the greatest, but it's good enough that you can ACTUALLY SEE THE TEENY TINY SPERM SWIMMING!!!  From a strictly nerd perspective, this is just awesome and cool.  From an at-home baby making perspective, it's comforting to know that I haven't completely screwed up the thawing process and the sperm is still alive (which is also awesome and cool). Then I hurried off to my bedroom to lie down and inseminate. For the first insem, I used a vial of ICI prepared sperm and guided the catheter up to (but not into) my cervix and pressed the plunger very slowly.  Then I inserted and Instead cup. It works like a diaphragm and caps around the cervix.  In this case, instead of keeping sperm out to prevent pregnancy, it keeps the sperm already released close to the cervix in an effort to assist a pregnancy.  After that, I lay in bed for a couple of hours and fell asleep.  When I woke up, I went out to brunch with my houseguest and walked around the city.

I wanted to time my inseminations at about 20 & 30 hours after the first positive OPK.  So I headed home early that evening to prepare and do it all again.  For the second insem, repeated all the same steps, but used a vial of IUI prepared sperm.  It's a smaller sample (.5ml instead of 1ml), but it's also more concentrated and has had all of the seminal fluid removed, leaving only the sperm itself.  It was evening, so I stayed in bed for a while afterwards.  It was my houseguest's first weekend in New York, so I went back out after a while to meet her for dinner.  I had a LOT of cramping at dinner, but I think it was just gas (really weird gas that I've not experienced before).

On to the Two-Week Wait!

Stay tuned...

On To The Next: Thailand Here I come...Soonish-ish

So, previously on Self-Made Motherhood Blog, I was working on shaking off a bit of a funk and getting my ass in gear to make a baby over summer vacation.  I'd settled on Thailand because it's close to my current home in HK, relatively inexpensive-ish, and they are one of the few countries in Southeast Asia where a single woman can go to get knocked up via IUI with a spermcicle from an off-shore sperm bank that ships internationally.  Also, I spent nearly an entire month there about eight years ago and have been dying to go back.  The food, the people, the sun, the beaches, the bath-water warm crystal clear beach water, the stunning vistas, the elephant jungle treks, the markets, the super cheap Thai massages...all of it. Yes, please!  As long as no tsunamis are in the works, we're all good...

After a lot of research, a lot of inquiries, and a lot of delays, I finally settled on the Blastocyst Center at Perfect Woman Institute in Bangkok.  The coordinator, Sudamon, is always so prompt in responding to my questions and cc'ing the doctors into our conversations to get better answers from them, and also to keep them informed of my concerns, etc.  So, if the way they handle procedure is at all like the way that they handle client services, I think I feel pretty good about the decision.  Now, I was upset that I couldn't find a clinic that does the procedure (either with imported frozen sperm and/or for single women) further south...say, Phuket, for instance.  Bangkok doesn't really sparkle with beachy goodness.  But it does have an abundance of cultural and spiritual spots and wats to check out, and it's where most of the fertility clinics are located.  Bangkok it is then!

I decided to do my first ever medicated cycle.  I've never had a problem ovulating, but after two at-home ICI's and one unmedicated IUI cycle at a midwifery clinic, I felt like I should maybe kick it up a notch.  And let's be honest, probably more than 50% of the stress of my natural cycle IUI was just worrying about timing and where I needed to be on this or that specific day, and timing my insemination less around when my cycle said it was time and more around the clinic's scheduled hours for performing IUI (my midwifery practice only did IUI's in the morning, before noon).  At least with the medicated version, I'm already ovulating, more or less, on their time table.  No more worrying about that!  For the low, low price of $300 USD (deducted from the $1000 USD total for everything - IUI procedure, sperm thawing, labs and tests, monitoring, etc.), Blastocyst airmailed me 20 tablets of Serophene (different brand name for Clomid).  Starting from CD3 of my insemination cycle in August, I'm supposed to begin taking it four times a day (50mg per pill) for five days.  Projecting my cycle ahead, I should be arriving in Thailand around day 3 of Serophene (CD5).  Then I'd go in to monitor the progress around CD9 or 10 and get an HCG trigger shot to jump start the ovulation process when the doctors think that my developing eggs are just the perfect amount of ripe for plucking.  Although, someone on my Fertility Friend chat board just told me that a friend of hers just conceived quadruplets on only 50mg of Clomid daily...I may contact Blastocyst to see if I should maybe take a lower dosage or come in for monitoring earlier than CD10.  Hmmmmmm....Of course, my Fertility Friend BB connection was also quick to point out that her friend "responded great to the Clomid", while she herself didn't really respond well at all.  I guess from Blastocyst Center's perspective, the idea is that if you're coming all the way to Thailand for your IUI, then there really isn't time to start out on a low dose and then up the dosage next cycle if that doesn't work out.  For most of their international clients, I'd imagine, this is the only cycle they'll be doing, so it's best to just start out as you mean to go on.  You know, as I'm writing this, for just a flash of a millisecond, I thought to myself, "Twins might not be so bad...it might be kind of nice..."  I must be losing my damn mind!  Moving on...

Well, just a few more weeks (exactly 21 days, but who's counting?), and I will BE in Thailand getting ready to get knocked up!  I should probably get on the phone and order my sperm, huh?  Oh wait, I left that part out!  Okay, so as you probably already know, I was (still am, actually) very attached to my first choice donor at PRS in San Francisco.  However, PRS does not ship internationally.  So once I actually made up my mind to go for it in Thailand, panic did in fact ensue.  At first, I thought I might go through Xytex or Cryos International, but their offerings of donors of color were slim...and by slim I mean that Xytex had zero donors that were in any way, shape, or form of African ancestry; and Cryos had exactly one.  (Or maybe there were more, but not in the open identity category - it's very important to me that my child be able to contact the donor when he/she comes of age.)  Then, the every lovely Miss T. suggested I give California Cryobank (or CCB as they call themselves) another look.  We had both originally eschewed CCB's super flashy website and decried their gimmicky use of donor "look-a-likes" (with each donor, they list a few celebrities that the donor may resemble).  But when it came down to it, they had enough of a selection of donors of color and/or mixed race (with open identity status) for both of our tastes, and they DO ship internationally...CCB it is!  Funnily enough, we both zeroed in on the same donor AGAIN right off the bat.  She made up her mind almost immediately and stuck with it (she did her IVF with him in Barbados in late June.  Fingers crossed! - you can read about it on her blog).  After checking out his complete family medical history though, I decided to go with a different donor.  So, we won't have sibling babies together, but she'll always be Auntie Tee regardless.  I have a few genetic predispositions on my side and, if I can avoid it, I'd prefer not to double whammy my PFC's.  Unlike Bachelor No. 1 at PRS, this donor does not look much like me at all (although he does have some similar features to people on my mother's side of the family), but I felt like he was the best match for me.  Only time will tell...I'm going to call to place the order as soon as I have a free moment (within the business hours of our current time zone constraints - France is 9 hours ahead of Los Angeles)...a free moment where Frenchy Grandma can't listen in.  I seriously might end up doing it while I've got the work babies on a carousel ride and I'm standing on the sidelines waving and smiling...*sigh*

That's just about it for now, my lovelies.  I'm in exile with the work babies in France counting the days until I can get on a plane....scheming, plotting, and planning on getting knocked up in about one month's time.  Praying, meditating, taking my herbs, trying (and occasionally succeeding) not to let Frenchy Grandma stress me out too much, and looking around for a very reasonably priced, non-gender specific French baby gift to give to my baby (and maybe one for Miss T, too!).

Stay tuned...

Reverb December 9th - Listo (Resourcefulness)

Trying to catch up on my Reverb reflections, so I'm posting retroactively.

Today's theme is Listo (Resourcefulness), and the question:

How resourceful were you in 2011? What new ways could you incorporate resourcefulness into 2012?

They don't call me PlanB for nothin'! My friend Kenny nicknamed me PlanB because she says I'm "...so adaptable to change." I feel like that ties in to my resourcefulness for 2011. So many completely unexpected things happened (especially in the last six months), and every new challenge that came at me, I took a moment to freak out, then I centered myself and figured out what to do next. How to fix the situation and remove the obstacle, or how to make peace with the obstacle and find another solution...or even just to make peace with there being no solution to an obstacle and finding the strength in taking a different path and doing something completely different.

I planned to start inseminating in July, then I found out that my Bachelor #1 was in quarantine and not available until August. I freaked out. Then I made my peace with it and decided to wait until then. Then my bosses dropped the we're-moving-to-Hong Kong-and-we-want-you-to-come-with-us bombshell. Then they dropped the bombshell that they were moving in July/August. I took a moment to freak out. I got it together, and decided I wasn't ready to leave my work babies yet, and I love new adventures and I would go to Hong Kong...of course, this meant I had to start inseminating right away if I wanted to try to get knocked up before the move. So I had to make my peace with going with Bachelor #2 for my first ICI at home. It was hard to let go of the Me&Bachelor #1 babies I'd been picturing in my head, but through the process I found a sister-friend who was going through the same thing with the same donor. An ally. A sister warrior. And when I didn't get pregnant on that first round, I made peace with that and prepared myself for round two. Once again, the universe shifted. My new sister-friend alerted me that, through some strange miracle, Bachelor #1 was available and I was able to go for ICI at home number two with the donor I truly wanted.

When I didn't get pregnant the second time, I had to make my peace with the idea that I may have to put my baby making plans on the hold shelf for a year or two...until I felt like my work babies could do without me on a full-time basis and I felt okay with leaving Hong Kong. This took more than one freak out moment. It was not an easy peace to make. But I decided that my Potential Future Children did not outweigh the needs of the babies that I'd already put nearly four years into raising. Children are a blessing in life regardless of where they come from, how long they stay in your life, or even of whether or not they're completely your own. I wasn't about to let my two little blessings toddle out of my life before we were all ready to be parted.

I adjusted to a new home, a new way of life. A much smaller circle of friends and a much roomier social calendar. Then I decided that even though I may have to wait until I could be in the States again to try making babies, and even though that may be a long way off, I had to be ready to accept that blessing when it presented itself. I started charting again. And as things fell into place and I re-learned the rhythm of my body, I looked up ahead to realize that I would actually be in the States and ovulating at the same time...I might be able to have another shot at this motherhood thing.

When I started coordinating with a large hospital's fertility clinic, I found the entire process to be frustrating from the start. I felt very much like an unexamined statistic. A number. Then when someone finally got back to me on how much it would cost, I realized what numbers they were really looking at. To make a baby with these people was impossible. It was too expensive by a long shot. I am not a vagillionaire. This too required a moment to freak out. And then came the resourcefulness again. I started searching and found a midwifery practice that would help me do an IUI for a fraction of what the big hospital was charging, and the practice itself was more in line with my personal beliefs, and what I felt comfortable with on a practical, physical level. And they've been amazing and supportive every step of the way! But that is for another post.

Today I have to figure out how I'm going to incorporate resourcefulness into 2012. Everything depends on everything else. I know I'll continue to be resourceful, but how and in which directions depends on how my resourcefulness for 2011 develops. If I get pregnant this month, 2012 will find resourcefulness in how I manage to keep my job and juggle full-time parenthood with full-time nannying on the other side of the planet from where I had originally envisioned starting and raising my little family in Brooklyn. If I don't get pregnant this month, 2012 will find resourcefulness in my figuring out how/when/where to try again...resourcefulness in making peace with not being pregnant and appreciating the joy that can come from other places, both planned and unexpected.

Whatever happens next, I know that I'm as prepared for it as I can be and ready and open to accepting blessings and miracles in my life...even if accepting new blessings means letting go and knowing that the universe will cushion my fall in some new and unexpected way.