Wait, Wait...Don't Tell Me

Well! There certainly is a lot to catch up on. Previously, on Self-Made Motherhood Blog:
*s inseminated at home 3 times in 2 days using her 2nd choice donor (who, we're sure is a solid human being and a very generous and swell sort of guy, despite the unfortunate fact that he is not our donor choice #1). Then....she waited. And waited. And....didn't have to wait as long as she thought she would to take a home pregnancy test because her period came, signaling the end of her 24 day cycle and heralding the beginning of the next. *sigh* Was *s upset? A bit. Was *s surprised? A bit. But not much. She'd had sore boobs for a few days and then it stopped; and weird cramping a couple of days before AF, and since she never gets cramps except when AF has already arrived, we can assume that maybe something did happen, but it didn't stick. Hence AF. Was *s disappointed? Definitely. Was *s discouraged? Not even a little bit! I mean, who even gets pregnant the firs time they try it this way? Nobody, right? That's why they call it a 'first try'. It's part of the process. However...with an international move looming, and the very existence of her PFC's in the balance, what will *s do next?????

Well, the very same day that AF arrived, I put in a call to The Bank and arranged for shipping of my remaining two vials of Bachelor #2. Since it was CD1, and shipping wasn't gonna go down until CD9, I decided to wait until I got more of my Pre-Travel Pay before purchasing more vials of Bachelor #2 (and yes, I did confirm that waiting a week would not jeopardize his availability for my needs).

BUT THEN...On CD3, I got an e-mail from the lovely Miss T informing me that Bachelor #1 was back on the catalogue and selling like hotcakes! Wha-whaaaaaaaaaaat!?!?!?! As I sat reading this in the Starbucks down the street from my job, I reached into my bag, picked up my cell phone, and started dialing The Bank (Thank GOD for 3-hour time difference from me to them...they're still open on the west coast even if i get out of work a little late on the east). I spoke with Sarah and had my Bachelor #2 vials traded back to Bachelor #1's. Phew! I hung up the phone and continued reading Miss T's latest e-mail update....Then I got a twitchy feeling. I rang back to The Bank and reserved/purchased an additional vial of Bachelor #1 (I used three vials last time, so I wanted at least that many for the second go round). Sarah actually isn't the person who handles reserves, so she left a message for the person who does and said I'd get a call to confirm everything before shipping.

On CD4, I was sitting in the Starbucks internetting after work when I happened upon another e-mail from Miss T. She wanted to check that I was able to get my vials all reserved. Apparently all the IUI's were now sold out and there were only a dozen or so ICI's (what I'm currently using) still available...once again I got right on the phone with The Bank and confirmed that I did, in fact, have 3 vials of Bachelor #1 reserved and ready to ship, including the one I'd purchased the day before (and they'd already charged my card and everything, so it was really a done deal). Since clearing up my whole Pre-Travel Pay situation (or clearing up enough to loosen up the funds), I went ahead and ordered one more vial of Bachelor #1, bringing the total to 4 vials ready to ship on CD9 to receive on CD11. WooHooooo!!!! And by the time I got home from Starbucks a couple hours later, they'd already charged my card for that one, too, so I am sure they are mine all mine!!! Big Love and Thanks to Miss T. for hookin' a sista up!!

I plan to follow pretty much the same insemination schedule that I did the first go round. CD12 in the evening; CD13 in the morning, and finishing off with CD13 in the evening. This time though, I plan to use 2 vials for the CD13 morning insem. I'd like to double up on one or both of the other insems as well, but finances just won't permit it right now. Strength in numbers, right? I still have so much to do for my upcoming international travel for work and then international move for work (after I come back to the states to get my cat). I feel like I'm hemorrhaging money right now. But there's very little chance that a sista can get some very specific Black Girl Hair Stuff in the far east, and I'm not taking any chances...I'm shipping a solid supply of that stuff over ahead of me.

In other news, the day that AF appeared, I'd called The Bank to arrange for shipment for round 2. I also went to early-pregnancy-tests.com to order more OPK's AND some Pre-Seed and a tube of natural progesterone cream (because my LP is a little on the shorter side and I wanna give this thing any advantage I can to stick and stay put). Great...but the day that delivery came, I wasn't home and the USPS left a notice in my mailbox that I could come and pick it up at any time. So...yesterday (CD5) I got up early on a Saturday to go and pick it up. THEY CAN'T FIND MY PACKAGE!!! They took my phone number so that they can speak with the letter carrier and figure out what may have happened, but this is not a time for f*ckin' around, people! I got babies to make and the timing on this business must be precise. There is no room for error in the babysphere at this time of the month! Pull it together USPS! I need that package. I e-mailed customer service at early-pregnancy-tests.com and told them that I never received it, so hopefully, they'll send another and I'll get that before I start testing for O on CD11. I only have 3 OPK's on hand at the moment and it's rather expensive to get them at the drug store. EPT.com has them for about $1.25 each, as opposed to the drug store which gives you a pack of three for $15 - 25, depending on the brand. And since I've already paid for them, I'd kinda like to just have'em, ya know?

Well...that's all the news that's fit to print! I gotta get up off this internet and get some business accomplished for my upcoming move (i'm not leaving to France until 16th July, and then HK on 15th August, but the movers are coming on Thursday morning to pick up my stuff for shipping to HK). And since I'm still working full-time right up until I go on vacation at the end of the week, today is my last day to myself to get stuff done (i.e. all the laundry, all the packing, all the pre-purchasing...possibly buying another sewing machine to send along).

Stay tuned for the next installment. It's sure to be action packed!

INCOMING!!!!

!!!!OVERSHARE ALERT!!!!

if you don't want to know the details of how babies are made the almost-but-not-quite-old-fashioned-way, then stop reading. this is not for you...

ICI #1

Right! Continuing on: Like the directions said, I used my insulated gloves (double sided leather garden work gloves from Home Depot), opened the cryotank and lifted the stem to check out the vials and make sure they were labeled with Bachelor No. 2's info, and not some other random sperm donor.

open the box - it's a cryotank!!

They are unbelievably tiny, by the way. When you read the stats on your frozen sperm (or when you read anything about getting pregnant that talks about sperm count), it always talks in terms of millions of sperm. It's mind blowing to believe that 26 million motile sperm (that's Bachelor No. 2's post-thaw analysis from The Bank) could all be contained in a teeny tiny 1cc vial, and that 1cc of anything could be as teeny tiny as these vials are. Then I dropped the stem back down into the tank and closed it up again. I wasn't exactly sure what to do next and how to do it, and I didn't want the nitrogen vapor oozing out into the ether while I got my shit together. I read and re-read the directions again. Then I put my insulated garden gloves back on, opened the tank, lifted the stem, and tried to very gently remove one of the vials with my clumsy-ass garden-gloved fingers. Not an easy task, but I got one off the cane and plunked it down into the brewing lid of my blue china tea cup. Stunned by the fact that this was actually gonna happen and I was actually the one who was gonna do it, it took me a few moments to come to my senses and put the cane with the other two vials back into the tank and close it up so that they all didn't start thawing then and there. Phew!


I've obscured my donor number to protect my family's/donor's privacy

I let the vial sit in the tea cup lid for a minute or so, then i picked it up with my bare, non-clumsy-ass-garden-gloved hand. Looked it over once more. Unscrewed the top of the vial just a hair, then closed it again (but not too snugly, as the directions dictated). I filled the tea cup with luke warm water (the directions said "bath-like" water "but NOT HOT" - what woman takes a "NOT HOT" bath?). I placed the vial into a ziplock baggie and placed the baggie into the tea cup, and put the lid on. I set the timer on my phone for 10 minutes. Then I went to go and set up my general insemination area. I put my take-out Thai food and some girl parts supporting tea on the table next to the bed. I plugged my phone in to charge. I put my laptop on the bedside table and queued up some things I might want to watch while spending the next few hours on my back. I launched iTunes and pressed play on my conception playlist. I swiveled the living room television into the bedroom doorway and placed the remote next to my pillow. I sat and meditated for about 30 seconds or so. OOOHHHHHHMMMMMMMMM

Then the timer went off. I jumped up off the bed, un-lidded the tea cup, and removed the vial from the baggie. It didn't feel cold and the contents seemed to slosh about inside its confines comfortably enough. I decided it was time. I opened the package of the sterile syringe and unscrewed the cap from the vial and set it aside. I pushed the tip of the syringe all the way to the bottom of the vial and slowly pulled the plunger upward. Once I was satisfied that I'd gotten every drop possible, i up-ended the syringe and tapped it (and tapped it. and gave a little shake. and tapped it a few more times) to get the air bubbles up to the top. Then I pushed the plunger in a teensy bit to force the air bubbles out of the syringe. What hadn't occurred to me was that these little bubbles were air bubbles lightly encased in a super-thin layer of sperm. So when I expelled the bubbles, I actually got some little droplets on my fingers. Seriously, if you knew how long it's been since I had sperm on my fingers, my reasons for making babies on my own would be so much less mysterious to you. Knowwhamsayin'?

So, syringe filled with Bachelor No. 2's finest and fastest swimmers, and air bubbles expelled, I toddled over to the bed and made myself as comfortable as I could possibly get with my butt on a pillow. I threaded the pipette up (or would that be down?) into my girl parts as far as it could go and I slowly, very slowly, pushed the plunger down. I let it sit for a couple of minutes and then removed the syringe and set it aside. Though it's not 100% scientifically supported, a lot of people say it helps to have an orgasm after you've inseminated. The theory being that while you're laying on your back with a pillow under your butt, all the swimmers are gathered in a little pool near your cervix. And when you have an orgasm, your uterus spasms and your cervix dips down into said pool of swimmers and pulls some in. Also, your internal chemistry changes when you're aroused and orgasm, and this particular pH is favorable to sperm. A biological imperative to get things where they need to go, so to speak. I'm not saying I did have an orgasm. I'm not saying I didn't. Whatever. I'm trying to make babies....whatever.

I stayed on my back for a while and watched the season premier of Covert Affairs on the DVR. Then I turned onto my stomach and watched Chelsea Lately. Then I turned onto my right side and watched half of Game of Thrones. Then I turned onto my left side and I don't remember what I watched (probably the end of Game of Thrones since I can't remember how it ended) because I fell asleep.

ICI #2

I woke up the next morning at 5am to the subtle sounds of my cell phone alarm clock. I fumbled for the snooze button and reached under my pillow to grab my thermometer for my morning BBT reading. Higher than CD12, but not the spike I was expecting...Hmmmm. I got up and did an OPK. Still positive, but not super-dark T-line positive like the day before. I went ahead and started the whole ICI process again. Fumbly clumsy-ass leather insulated garden gloves to get another vial out of the cryotank. Vial in a baggie in a tea cup of luke warm water. Fill the syringe with contents of said vial. BUT THIS TIME>>>>>>I remembered something I'd read on some online chatroom board somewhere. Several months back, I'd purchased an Ovulite saliva-screening ovulation detecting microscope. It sounds all heavy duty, but it's not. With the cover on, it looks like a shiny silver tube of lipstick. The way it works is that you spread a drop of your saliva on the lens upon waking in the morning and let it dry thoroughly. Then you place the lens back onto the scope base and press a little button under the base to activate the green LED light. When you look through the lens and focus, you should start to see a partial to full "ferning" effect if you're approaching ovulation. My problem is that my body chemistry is too sweet. I never showed a fern pattern unless I did it right after I ate (which you're not supposed to do because it's showing the food's salinity, not your body's natural salinity). I asked Jeni how it worked for her when she'd used it, and she said she was just the opposite. She was always ferning. So it didn't work for either of us. Well, it's got my saliva on it, so it's not exactly something you can sell second-hand, ya know? I'm just stuck with it. At least it wasn't expensive.

Getting back to the story at hand: I'd read that if you want to be sure that you haven't screwed up the thawing process and killed all your swimmers, you could put it on your saliva microscope and see...so I did. I filled the syringe with the vial's contents and pushed out the air bubbles. But this time instead of getting sperm bubbles on my fingers, I spread it on the lens of my Ovulite. It's not super-magnification or anything, but once I figured out what I was looking at, my mind was once again blown! A bazillion little specks...SWIMMING right before my very eyes. Ecstatic that I was not, in fact, killing all of my sperms with improper thawing technique, I hop-skipped over to the bed to do the deed once again. I didn't have all night to wait around this time. I spent about 30 minutes on my back with my butt on a pillow. Then 20 minutes on my stomach (in case my uterus is tipped or my cervix was open at a weird angle or something). Turned on my right side for 10 minutes and my left for the same. Then i got myself together and hurried to feed the cat, clean the litter box, and get out the door to work.

ICI #3

I was expecting another package at the FedEx across the street from work, so I went there to pick it up (International Air Travel Association approved pet carrier for my cat - we're moving to Hong Kong in August). Only they couldn't find it, and their systems were down, so they couldn't even track it to tell me where it might be. Uggghhh! So much time wasted. So I hopped another taxi back home in an effort to get home as quick as possible and catch the tail end of my fertile window.

I burst through the kitchen door, nearly tripped over my cat, and started getting undressed. I took a shower and heated up some leftover Thai food. I covered the food (to protect it from the cat) and set it next to my laptop on the bedside table. I did the thawing process and checked an air bubble smear on the Ovulite to confirm sperm swimminess. Check and check! I settled down into bed, ICI'd, maybe orgasmed/maybe not (who's to say?), and watched some quality television and ate some quality Thai food. Then I fell asleep.

So now here I am on CD15, still waiting for my charting program on FertilityFriend.com to confirm that I did, in fact, ovulate (BBT is a retroactive ovulation diagnosis. O can't be confirmed until 3 or 4 days after it's already happened if you're going by BBT alone). I've decided to just act like I'm newly pregnant until I get definitive information to the contrary. I called a car and dropped off the cryotank at a FedEx-affiliated facility this morning (the guy said they'd scan it at pick-up and I didn't need a receipt or anything...I hope it gets there and I don't get charged overages for extra days or, worse, for loss of the tank), and then I had a massage appointment at Opal. My massage therapist asked me if I'd started TTC yet, and I said yes. But I wouldn't know anything for sure until at least a couple of weeks. We're both giddy and excited for me, but also both sad because I'll be moving to HK and I can't take her with me (I'm very dedicated to my massage therapist). Still, excellent way to start the day! I had a quick lunch at the diner I always go to after massage, then a quick trip to Target to get a few household necessities. Now I'm home typing into the abyss of the internet instead of packing up my apartment for the move. Okay, no more typing...

...Stay tuned.

Duck & Cover...

Hi Hi. So, some of you know that i was originally planning to start TTC in June. Then, due to circumstances beyond my control at my sperm bank (my top choice donor's stuff was in quarantine until August), I decided to pump the brakes and wait until August to start. THEN, more recently, due to some other circumstances at the sperm bank over which I once again had zero amount of control (my top choice donor - whom I often refer to as Bachelor No. 1 - is officially off the catalogue. this means that I can still have the three vials that I pre-purchased when he comes out of quarantine in August, but I can't have any more. Everything they have left in deep freeze from him is reserved for families that have already conceived a baby with Bachelor No. 1 so that they can have siblings if they want), I had to pre-purchase some Bachelor No. 2 for back-up, in case my first round of ICI with Bachelor No. 1 didn't stick. THEN, even more recently, due to some completely other circumstances in which I did have some degree of control, I had to un-pump the brakes and bang a U-turn to start TTC in June again. (If you really want to know the details of all these circumstances, message me or leave a comment and I'll put it all in its own post) Of course, my top choice donor Bachelor No. 1 is still in quarantine until August. This means that, even though I have technically pre-purchased three vials of Bachelor No. 1 and can fully have those three when August comes around, I can't wait around for Bachelor No. 1 until August; so I had to make my peace with that and go full steam ahead with Bachelor No. 2. And I really, really had to let go of Bachelor No. 1 because it just didn't make sense for me to hang on to those three vials and spend another $1500 on three of Bachelor No. 2. I traded my No. 1's for three vials of Bachelor No. 2 instead. And this is where today's story begins...

!!!!OVERSHARE ALERT!!!!

(if you don't want all the details about how babies are made the almost-but-not-quite-old-fashioned-way, then don't read this. this isn't for you...)

Aunt Flo came over Memorial Day weekend while I was visiting family in Boston. I called and left a message at The Bank that I started my period and I wanted to schedule shipment for some of my vials to go ahead with my first ICI. After the holiday weekend passed, I called again instead of waiting for someone to get back to me. I was forecasting ovulation for CD13 (My uterus is like Swiss precision. I almost always ovulate on the 13th day of my cycle - very occasionally on CD12), so of course I wanted to receive my vials on CD11 to give myself some wiggle room just in case i did pop on CD12. Unfortunately, CD11 fell on a Tuesday, and The Bank only ships 2nd Day Air with FedEx Monday through Thursday (unless you pay extra for overnight service and/or Saturday delivery). Ballin' on a budget like I am, I didn't want to pay the extra for overnight service on Monday to receive it by Tuesday. So, I decided to do the standard 2nd Day Air with delivery on Wednesday (CD12). My plan was to do three ICI's based around an ovulation day on CD13: 1st ICI on CD12 evening (most likely when I got home from work); 2nd ICI on CD13 early morning before going in to work; 3rd ICI on CD13 evening after work. I'm never home during the day (who is? I gotta work to afford all this baby making!), so I arranged to have my cryotank of vials held at the FedEx location across the street from where I work. That way, I'd leave work, pick it up, and take a taxi home to do the ICI. I figured no time would really be lost on that plan if I received the tank on CD12 instead of CD11.

Of course, I generally start doing mid-stream OPK's (pee-on-a-stick ovulation predictor kits) on CD11. Usually, it's not positive, but I do an OPK twice per day, and from the morning one to the night one, I can usually see if the T-line is getting any darker which would indicate that ovulation is coming, but not here this minute. So why was my CD11 OPK negative but with a darker T-line than usual, and my nighttime OPK positive with an equal C-line and T-line?!! You know I freaked out a bit to myself, right? No tears. I held it together, but I was mad nervous that I'd fucked it all up my being cheap and not overnighting the tank to receive it on CD11. At this point though, there was nothing to be done about it. The cryotank was already shipped out on CD10, so I would just have to wait until after work on CD12 to see what was really gonna go down anyway. Naturally, my BBT when I woke up on CD12 was a BIG dip in temp, which for me generally indicated ovulation (the next day is usually a high temp spike letting me know that i did in fact ovulate the day before). I took a deep breath, got out of bed, and started my day as usual. I did an OPK at 10am and it was super positive (very dark T-line). Still, I'm at work and there's nothing to do but wait it out and stick to the plan.

Left work more on-timely than I have in the last year. Rushed over to FedEx and flashed my ID. Got my box full of cryotank, and hailed a taxi to Brooklyn. Got home, opened the box, read through the instructions, looked over Bachelor No. 2's sperm stats and STI/genetic test results...then I did the dishes and put in a load of laundry. Then I ordered some Thai food because after I did the deed, I was gonna have to stay in bed, so getting up to cook was out of the question. Then I took a shower, and put together my clothes, filled my water bottle from the Brita pitcher in the fridge, and sorted out my vitamins and put them in my bag.

Okay, I know it's all suspenseful and whatnot, so I'm gonna stop here and continue with the actual insemination in another post...

...Stay tuned!

Oh Hey! I Didn't See You There...

...yeah, so i totally ripped off that title from Jenny Owen Youngs' blog which has nothing to do with what this blog has to do with. So, for those of you out there who have somehow stumbled upon this blog, WELCOME! It seems a little less pointless knowing that I'm not sitting here typing out my life into a visitor-less vacuum. So, thanks for stopping in. For the curious/uninitiated, I'll give you the low-down on just exactly what this blog is all about.

My name is *s, and I'm trying to get myself knocked up. I am (or hopefully soon will be) what is known as a single mother by choice. That's the fancy-schmancy, politically correct term for a woman who chooses to be a mother and chooses to do it (or at least start out at it) as a single gal. Now, there are lots of reasons why lots of women (and I'm assuming men as well - single parents by choice) choose to go it alone when it comes time for parenthood. Some come to single parenthood via divorce, failed relationships, one-night stands, or other such culturally emotional phenomena that has them saying to themselves, "Okay, I'm knocked up. I'm fine with that. But I am SOOOOOOOO not spending the rest of my life tethered to that guy! What the hell was I thinking?!?!" Some single parents are gay and single, so even if they were in a relationship, it wouldn't be one that could yield children the old fashioned way. Still others, like me, are just single. Period. Sexual orientation aside, as far as relationships go, I have been described as "Breaker of hearts, Destroyer of worlds". I've never been so in love with someone that I couldn't possibly imagine my life without that person. As a matter of fact, once I start wondering if I love someone enough that I couldn't possibly imagine my life without that person, it turns so quickly from wondering to visualizing to me giving the It's-Not-You-It's-Me speech, it's all really quite dizzying. I have very little patience for grown-ass people who can't seem to get their shit together, or at least admit that they don't have their shit together and plan to work on that. On the other hand, I have near infinite patience for babies, toddlers, and children who very frequently are a hot stinking mess (both literally and figuratively). Babies are something I couldn't possibly imagine my life without.

And yet, here I am. 35 years old. Gainfully employed. Not completely with my shit completely together, but completely working on that every single day. And no babies. I needs me some babies. Being the forward thinking, pragmatic sort of girl that I am, I made up my mind to start researching how I could possibly have a baby without having a relationship on the evening of my 34th birthday. And God bless the internet! Apparently, people do this all the time! There are whole reproductive centers (sperm banks) that exist to cater to this very demographic. I'm that demographic! That was back in April 2010. By summer of 2010, I'd already zeroed in on which sperm bank I wanted to work with, and which donor from their catalogue I wanted to make my babies with. I started a new savings fund called the PFC Fund (Potential Future Child(ren)), also often referred to as the Baby Fund, specifically for the purpose of funding the making of my PFC's. People do it all the time, but not super broke people...because donor sperm is not cheap.

So again, WELCOME! Feel free to leave a comment or question or whatever. Thanks for stopping by. Stay tuned...