INCOMING!!!!

!!!!OVERSHARE ALERT!!!!

if you don't want to know the details of how babies are made the almost-but-not-quite-old-fashioned-way, then stop reading. this is not for you...

ICI #1

Right! Continuing on: Like the directions said, I used my insulated gloves (double sided leather garden work gloves from Home Depot), opened the cryotank and lifted the stem to check out the vials and make sure they were labeled with Bachelor No. 2's info, and not some other random sperm donor.

open the box - it's a cryotank!!

They are unbelievably tiny, by the way. When you read the stats on your frozen sperm (or when you read anything about getting pregnant that talks about sperm count), it always talks in terms of millions of sperm. It's mind blowing to believe that 26 million motile sperm (that's Bachelor No. 2's post-thaw analysis from The Bank) could all be contained in a teeny tiny 1cc vial, and that 1cc of anything could be as teeny tiny as these vials are. Then I dropped the stem back down into the tank and closed it up again. I wasn't exactly sure what to do next and how to do it, and I didn't want the nitrogen vapor oozing out into the ether while I got my shit together. I read and re-read the directions again. Then I put my insulated garden gloves back on, opened the tank, lifted the stem, and tried to very gently remove one of the vials with my clumsy-ass garden-gloved fingers. Not an easy task, but I got one off the cane and plunked it down into the brewing lid of my blue china tea cup. Stunned by the fact that this was actually gonna happen and I was actually the one who was gonna do it, it took me a few moments to come to my senses and put the cane with the other two vials back into the tank and close it up so that they all didn't start thawing then and there. Phew!


I've obscured my donor number to protect my family's/donor's privacy

I let the vial sit in the tea cup lid for a minute or so, then i picked it up with my bare, non-clumsy-ass-garden-gloved hand. Looked it over once more. Unscrewed the top of the vial just a hair, then closed it again (but not too snugly, as the directions dictated). I filled the tea cup with luke warm water (the directions said "bath-like" water "but NOT HOT" - what woman takes a "NOT HOT" bath?). I placed the vial into a ziplock baggie and placed the baggie into the tea cup, and put the lid on. I set the timer on my phone for 10 minutes. Then I went to go and set up my general insemination area. I put my take-out Thai food and some girl parts supporting tea on the table next to the bed. I plugged my phone in to charge. I put my laptop on the bedside table and queued up some things I might want to watch while spending the next few hours on my back. I launched iTunes and pressed play on my conception playlist. I swiveled the living room television into the bedroom doorway and placed the remote next to my pillow. I sat and meditated for about 30 seconds or so. OOOHHHHHHMMMMMMMMM

Then the timer went off. I jumped up off the bed, un-lidded the tea cup, and removed the vial from the baggie. It didn't feel cold and the contents seemed to slosh about inside its confines comfortably enough. I decided it was time. I opened the package of the sterile syringe and unscrewed the cap from the vial and set it aside. I pushed the tip of the syringe all the way to the bottom of the vial and slowly pulled the plunger upward. Once I was satisfied that I'd gotten every drop possible, i up-ended the syringe and tapped it (and tapped it. and gave a little shake. and tapped it a few more times) to get the air bubbles up to the top. Then I pushed the plunger in a teensy bit to force the air bubbles out of the syringe. What hadn't occurred to me was that these little bubbles were air bubbles lightly encased in a super-thin layer of sperm. So when I expelled the bubbles, I actually got some little droplets on my fingers. Seriously, if you knew how long it's been since I had sperm on my fingers, my reasons for making babies on my own would be so much less mysterious to you. Knowwhamsayin'?

So, syringe filled with Bachelor No. 2's finest and fastest swimmers, and air bubbles expelled, I toddled over to the bed and made myself as comfortable as I could possibly get with my butt on a pillow. I threaded the pipette up (or would that be down?) into my girl parts as far as it could go and I slowly, very slowly, pushed the plunger down. I let it sit for a couple of minutes and then removed the syringe and set it aside. Though it's not 100% scientifically supported, a lot of people say it helps to have an orgasm after you've inseminated. The theory being that while you're laying on your back with a pillow under your butt, all the swimmers are gathered in a little pool near your cervix. And when you have an orgasm, your uterus spasms and your cervix dips down into said pool of swimmers and pulls some in. Also, your internal chemistry changes when you're aroused and orgasm, and this particular pH is favorable to sperm. A biological imperative to get things where they need to go, so to speak. I'm not saying I did have an orgasm. I'm not saying I didn't. Whatever. I'm trying to make babies....whatever.

I stayed on my back for a while and watched the season premier of Covert Affairs on the DVR. Then I turned onto my stomach and watched Chelsea Lately. Then I turned onto my right side and watched half of Game of Thrones. Then I turned onto my left side and I don't remember what I watched (probably the end of Game of Thrones since I can't remember how it ended) because I fell asleep.

ICI #2

I woke up the next morning at 5am to the subtle sounds of my cell phone alarm clock. I fumbled for the snooze button and reached under my pillow to grab my thermometer for my morning BBT reading. Higher than CD12, but not the spike I was expecting...Hmmmm. I got up and did an OPK. Still positive, but not super-dark T-line positive like the day before. I went ahead and started the whole ICI process again. Fumbly clumsy-ass leather insulated garden gloves to get another vial out of the cryotank. Vial in a baggie in a tea cup of luke warm water. Fill the syringe with contents of said vial. BUT THIS TIME>>>>>>I remembered something I'd read on some online chatroom board somewhere. Several months back, I'd purchased an Ovulite saliva-screening ovulation detecting microscope. It sounds all heavy duty, but it's not. With the cover on, it looks like a shiny silver tube of lipstick. The way it works is that you spread a drop of your saliva on the lens upon waking in the morning and let it dry thoroughly. Then you place the lens back onto the scope base and press a little button under the base to activate the green LED light. When you look through the lens and focus, you should start to see a partial to full "ferning" effect if you're approaching ovulation. My problem is that my body chemistry is too sweet. I never showed a fern pattern unless I did it right after I ate (which you're not supposed to do because it's showing the food's salinity, not your body's natural salinity). I asked Jeni how it worked for her when she'd used it, and she said she was just the opposite. She was always ferning. So it didn't work for either of us. Well, it's got my saliva on it, so it's not exactly something you can sell second-hand, ya know? I'm just stuck with it. At least it wasn't expensive.

Getting back to the story at hand: I'd read that if you want to be sure that you haven't screwed up the thawing process and killed all your swimmers, you could put it on your saliva microscope and see...so I did. I filled the syringe with the vial's contents and pushed out the air bubbles. But this time instead of getting sperm bubbles on my fingers, I spread it on the lens of my Ovulite. It's not super-magnification or anything, but once I figured out what I was looking at, my mind was once again blown! A bazillion little specks...SWIMMING right before my very eyes. Ecstatic that I was not, in fact, killing all of my sperms with improper thawing technique, I hop-skipped over to the bed to do the deed once again. I didn't have all night to wait around this time. I spent about 30 minutes on my back with my butt on a pillow. Then 20 minutes on my stomach (in case my uterus is tipped or my cervix was open at a weird angle or something). Turned on my right side for 10 minutes and my left for the same. Then i got myself together and hurried to feed the cat, clean the litter box, and get out the door to work.

ICI #3

I was expecting another package at the FedEx across the street from work, so I went there to pick it up (International Air Travel Association approved pet carrier for my cat - we're moving to Hong Kong in August). Only they couldn't find it, and their systems were down, so they couldn't even track it to tell me where it might be. Uggghhh! So much time wasted. So I hopped another taxi back home in an effort to get home as quick as possible and catch the tail end of my fertile window.

I burst through the kitchen door, nearly tripped over my cat, and started getting undressed. I took a shower and heated up some leftover Thai food. I covered the food (to protect it from the cat) and set it next to my laptop on the bedside table. I did the thawing process and checked an air bubble smear on the Ovulite to confirm sperm swimminess. Check and check! I settled down into bed, ICI'd, maybe orgasmed/maybe not (who's to say?), and watched some quality television and ate some quality Thai food. Then I fell asleep.

So now here I am on CD15, still waiting for my charting program on FertilityFriend.com to confirm that I did, in fact, ovulate (BBT is a retroactive ovulation diagnosis. O can't be confirmed until 3 or 4 days after it's already happened if you're going by BBT alone). I've decided to just act like I'm newly pregnant until I get definitive information to the contrary. I called a car and dropped off the cryotank at a FedEx-affiliated facility this morning (the guy said they'd scan it at pick-up and I didn't need a receipt or anything...I hope it gets there and I don't get charged overages for extra days or, worse, for loss of the tank), and then I had a massage appointment at Opal. My massage therapist asked me if I'd started TTC yet, and I said yes. But I wouldn't know anything for sure until at least a couple of weeks. We're both giddy and excited for me, but also both sad because I'll be moving to HK and I can't take her with me (I'm very dedicated to my massage therapist). Still, excellent way to start the day! I had a quick lunch at the diner I always go to after massage, then a quick trip to Target to get a few household necessities. Now I'm home typing into the abyss of the internet instead of packing up my apartment for the move. Okay, no more typing...

...Stay tuned.