Here's the thing....I was about to post about my latest attempt at getting knocked up when I noticed this entry. But the only thing about it that was saved was the title. So I'm not really sure what I was gonna say except that I did not get pregnant....but for some reason things unfolded in a way I had not previously anticipated (hence the title).
But, um...yeah, I got nothin'. Jump to the next episode...
Stay tuned....
Saturday, November 14, 2015
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Version 6.0: Loading....
Previously on Self- made Motherhood Blog....our heroine discovered that she was not, in fact, knocked up (despite some weird physical stuff and what looked like her first possible implantation dip ever). And so our intrepid mother-in-waiting endeavored to try in her next cycle.
Which brings us to RIGHT NOW! Welcome to the next cycle! I know what you're thinking: "Wow! That was fast!" And you're not wrong. It was fast. Likely due in no small part to my short cycle and clearly inadequate luteal phase which seem to be intent on flushing out anything that may be contemplating sticking around my uterus for nine and a half months or so. Not cool, guys! Not. Cool.
In an effort to circumvent (or really, more accurately, supersede) my uterine propensity for short luteal phasiness, I bought this stuff >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
If I were doing an in-clinic IUI, they'd likely prescribe me progesterone in some form (probably suppositories, like when I did the IUI in Thailand) to help lengthen my LP long enough for some implanting to take place and get good and stuck before my period could come and ruin it all. So, I figured I should probably get in on that this time around. Now, when I was on the suppositories after my Thai IUI, it lengthened my cycle by probably ten days or more, even though I knew I wasn't pregnant (which was even more frustrating) because I was (and still remain) certain that the clinic's protocol was too strict and the timing was a bit off in my case. And since I'm sure my timing on the last one was spot on, but my naturally short LP kept anything from happening, I want to give myself (and my PFC) any little extra chance that I can. We'll see...
I got my first positive OPK for this cycle in the wee hours of CD12. On CD11, I'd actually tested at 10pm with a standard mid-stream and a Clearblue digital and gotten a negative. But then I was heading to bed around 1am, and I just felt like I should check just in case, and that's when I got the smiley face! Counting out about 20 hours from there, I figured somewhere around 9-11pm on CD12 would be an ideal first insem slot. CD12 was the Tuesday after the Memorial Day long weekend, so I came straight home from work and started to prep myself for the next day (pre-chop my breakfast smoothie ingredients, water the plants, take a shower) and then prep everything for the insem (slow-thaw the sample, get the syringe & catheter ready, do another set of OPK's to confirm I was still LH surging, place the Instead cup near the bed). I also had to prep things (except for thawing the sample) for the 2nd insem because I planned to do it early in the morning before going in to work.
I did Insem 6.1 at 9pm on CD12 (followed all the same steps as before), put in the Instead cup right after, and did the "extra step" (*nudge-nudge*wink-wink*). Then I watched The Lizzie Borden Chronicles and fell asleep. The next morning, I actually got out of bed when my alarm went off at 5:45am and went out to the kitchen to prep the second sample. While it was in it's tepid thawing bath, I brushed my teeth & washed my face, and removed the Instead cup from the previous night's insem. I also did another round of OPK's and still came up with the smiley face. All systems go! Got the swimmers in the syringe and checked a drop on the ovulation microscope t make sure everyone was still alive and swimming (Check!), and retired to the bedroom for Insem 6.2 at 6:25am on CD13. Put in the instead cup directly after and did the "extra step", then relaxed for about 20 minutes until I had to get ready to head out for work. I went to work and did all the usual things.
Because I'd gotten my first OPK+ at such a late/early hour on CD12, I was a little nervous that I may have done the insems too early or too late (i.e. What if I always LH surge at 1am, but don't know it because I'm asleep and don't find out until I wake up and test in the morning???). So I did another round of OPK's at 3:30pm. Unfortunately, I peed on the Clearblue digital before realizing that I'd not pushed the test stick all the way in, so that one was inconclusive; but the standard midstream OPK was still looking like two equal darkness lines to me. I ran another Clearblue digi at 5pm though, and it came up negative, so my surge was starting to wane. This gave me some confidence because it means that ovulation had likely happened in the morning and now things were winding down. I removed the Instead cup at 6pm, and left work and carried on with my evening as usual. I did another midstream test around 11pm just to see how much lighter the test line was getting. It was definitely a noticeable difference, so I'm still feeling good about the timing.
And now we wait! I start using the progesterone oil tomorrow (CD14), twice a day. We'll see if it helps. I also found the moxibustion set from my HK acupuncturist and I'm going to start doing that nightly as well as it's supposed to help increase bloodflow to the abdomen (couldn't hurt). Fingers crossed, right?
Stay tuned...
Which brings us to RIGHT NOW! Welcome to the next cycle! I know what you're thinking: "Wow! That was fast!" And you're not wrong. It was fast. Likely due in no small part to my short cycle and clearly inadequate luteal phase which seem to be intent on flushing out anything that may be contemplating sticking around my uterus for nine and a half months or so. Not cool, guys! Not. Cool.
 |
Progestelle - Progesterone suspended
in coconut oil.
|
If I were doing an in-clinic IUI, they'd likely prescribe me progesterone in some form (probably suppositories, like when I did the IUI in Thailand) to help lengthen my LP long enough for some implanting to take place and get good and stuck before my period could come and ruin it all. So, I figured I should probably get in on that this time around. Now, when I was on the suppositories after my Thai IUI, it lengthened my cycle by probably ten days or more, even though I knew I wasn't pregnant (which was even more frustrating) because I was (and still remain) certain that the clinic's protocol was too strict and the timing was a bit off in my case. And since I'm sure my timing on the last one was spot on, but my naturally short LP kept anything from happening, I want to give myself (and my PFC) any little extra chance that I can. We'll see...
I got my first positive OPK for this cycle in the wee hours of CD12. On CD11, I'd actually tested at 10pm with a standard mid-stream and a Clearblue digital and gotten a negative. But then I was heading to bed around 1am, and I just felt like I should check just in case, and that's when I got the smiley face! Counting out about 20 hours from there, I figured somewhere around 9-11pm on CD12 would be an ideal first insem slot. CD12 was the Tuesday after the Memorial Day long weekend, so I came straight home from work and started to prep myself for the next day (pre-chop my breakfast smoothie ingredients, water the plants, take a shower) and then prep everything for the insem (slow-thaw the sample, get the syringe & catheter ready, do another set of OPK's to confirm I was still LH surging, place the Instead cup near the bed). I also had to prep things (except for thawing the sample) for the 2nd insem because I planned to do it early in the morning before going in to work.
I did Insem 6.1 at 9pm on CD12 (followed all the same steps as before), put in the Instead cup right after, and did the "extra step" (*nudge-nudge*wink-wink*). Then I watched The Lizzie Borden Chronicles and fell asleep. The next morning, I actually got out of bed when my alarm went off at 5:45am and went out to the kitchen to prep the second sample. While it was in it's tepid thawing bath, I brushed my teeth & washed my face, and removed the Instead cup from the previous night's insem. I also did another round of OPK's and still came up with the smiley face. All systems go! Got the swimmers in the syringe and checked a drop on the ovulation microscope t make sure everyone was still alive and swimming (Check!), and retired to the bedroom for Insem 6.2 at 6:25am on CD13. Put in the instead cup directly after and did the "extra step", then relaxed for about 20 minutes until I had to get ready to head out for work. I went to work and did all the usual things.
Because I'd gotten my first OPK+ at such a late/early hour on CD12, I was a little nervous that I may have done the insems too early or too late (i.e. What if I always LH surge at 1am, but don't know it because I'm asleep and don't find out until I wake up and test in the morning???). So I did another round of OPK's at 3:30pm. Unfortunately, I peed on the Clearblue digital before realizing that I'd not pushed the test stick all the way in, so that one was inconclusive; but the standard midstream OPK was still looking like two equal darkness lines to me. I ran another Clearblue digi at 5pm though, and it came up negative, so my surge was starting to wane. This gave me some confidence because it means that ovulation had likely happened in the morning and now things were winding down. I removed the Instead cup at 6pm, and left work and carried on with my evening as usual. I did another midstream test around 11pm just to see how much lighter the test line was getting. It was definitely a noticeable difference, so I'm still feeling good about the timing.
And now we wait! I start using the progesterone oil tomorrow (CD14), twice a day. We'll see if it helps. I also found the moxibustion set from my HK acupuncturist and I'm going to start doing that nightly as well as it's supposed to help increase bloodflow to the abdomen (couldn't hurt). Fingers crossed, right?
Stay tuned...
Monday, May 18, 2015
The Results Are In....
Um....so, yeah...I'm not pregnant. *sigh* I was supposed to test on Saturday, May 16th, but my period came all Swiss precision-like on Friday the 15th. I was actually really hopeful this time around because I was feeling a little crappy and my boobs were HUGE. But also because my temperature dipped at 8 & 9DPO and then went back up again, so I thought it could have possibly been an implantation dip. Maybe it was, but my uterus is such a stickler for its schedule, it just wouldn't let anything stick (which is an odd paradox for someone who is habitually late for pretty much everything).
Anyhoo, I debated on whether or not to go for it again with the next cycle (which would be at the end of May) or wait for the June cycle. I decided to jump right back in while my body still halfway remembers what we're trying to accomplish. Plus, I'll be hardcore apartment hunting in June and can't afford to stress out over that and getting knocked up. If it doesn't work out at the end of May, I'll be on a bit of a longer break again while I re-group financially, and also get settled in a new apartment (again....urrrgggghhh!). But hopefully, not too long of a break. Hopefully, I won't need another go after May!!!
Stay tuned...
Anyhoo, I debated on whether or not to go for it again with the next cycle (which would be at the end of May) or wait for the June cycle. I decided to jump right back in while my body still halfway remembers what we're trying to accomplish. Plus, I'll be hardcore apartment hunting in June and can't afford to stress out over that and getting knocked up. If it doesn't work out at the end of May, I'll be on a bit of a longer break again while I re-group financially, and also get settled in a new apartment (again....urrrgggghhh!). But hopefully, not too long of a break. Hopefully, I won't need another go after May!!!
Stay tuned...
Monday, May 11, 2015
Once Again, It's (still) ON!!!!
(continued from previous post)
Right! So, I got my first positive digital OPK smiley face around 10am on Saturday, which was CD12.
I spent most of the day arguing with myself over whether or not to do one insem that night or wait until the next morning. Honestly, if I'd had three vials, I probably would have, but I didn't want to waste a chance by going for it too early and having the swimmers die off before an egg was even released. Naturally, this made sleeping a bit Night Before Christmas-ish. I was just so excited! A friend from one of my message boards conceived both of her children at home with IUI vials (even though it was just an intravaginal insem done by herself), and she'd conceived her first child by doing the insems at something like 20 & 30 hours after her first OPK+, and her second with just one insem at about 30 hours after the first OPK+. I figured I'd follow her lead.
I got up a little after 6am and started getting things ready. Brushed my teeth, got a glass of water & a cup of tea ready to set on my station next to the bed. Did another round of OPK's (because my obsessive nature compelled me to do so). Still coming up with a smiley face on the digital. Moving ahead with confidence that I made the right decision about the timing. I pulled on my protective gear and extricated the ICI vial from the cryotank. Following the thawing instructions (see inset), I let it sit for a moment until it was warm enough to touch with my bare hand. Then I placed the vial in one finger of a pair of sterile gloves and put in a cup of tepid water until the sample within was fully liquified.
Then I gently agitated the vial. I connected the catheter to the syringe and pumped it a couple of times to break the seal, then I inserted the catheter all the way to the bottom of the vial and drew up the specimen (swimmers).
After drawing all of the sample into the syringe/catheter, I pressed down on the plunger (slowly) to expel any excess air. While doing this, I also expelled a small droplet onto an ovulation microscope.
The magnification is not the greatest, but it's good enough that you can ACTUALLY SEE THE TEENY TINY SPERM SWIMMING!!! From a strictly nerd perspective, this is just awesome and cool. From an at-home baby making perspective, it's comforting to know that I haven't completely screwed up the thawing process and the sperm is still alive (which is also awesome and cool). Then I hurried off to my bedroom to lie down and inseminate. For the first insem, I used a vial of ICI prepared sperm and guided the catheter up to (but not into) my cervix and pressed the plunger very slowly. Then I inserted and Instead cup. It works like a diaphragm and caps around the cervix. In this case, instead of keeping sperm out to prevent pregnancy, it keeps the sperm already released close to the cervix in an effort to assist a pregnancy. After that, I lay in bed for a couple of hours and fell asleep. When I woke up, I went out to brunch with my houseguest and walked around the city.
I wanted to time my inseminations at about 20 & 30 hours after the first positive OPK. So I headed home early that evening to prepare and do it all again. For the second insem, repeated all the same steps, but used a vial of IUI prepared sperm. It's a smaller sample (.5ml instead of 1ml), but it's also more concentrated and has had all of the seminal fluid removed, leaving only the sperm itself. It was evening, so I stayed in bed for a while afterwards. It was my houseguest's first weekend in New York, so I went back out after a while to meet her for dinner. I had a LOT of cramping at dinner, but I think it was just gas (really weird gas that I've not experienced before).
On to the Two-Week Wait!
Stay tuned...
Right! So, I got my first positive digital OPK smiley face around 10am on Saturday, which was CD12.
 |
| Regular Midstream OPK & Digital OPK CD12 at 10am |
 |
| Midstream & Digital OPK's on CD13 before the first insem...Still on surge! |
I got up a little after 6am and started getting things ready. Brushed my teeth, got a glass of water & a cup of tea ready to set on my station next to the bed. Did another round of OPK's (because my obsessive nature compelled me to do so). Still coming up with a smiley face on the digital. Moving ahead with confidence that I made the right decision about the timing. I pulled on my protective gear and extricated the ICI vial from the cryotank. Following the thawing instructions (see inset), I let it sit for a moment until it was warm enough to touch with my bare hand. Then I placed the vial in one finger of a pair of sterile gloves and put in a cup of tepid water until the sample within was fully liquified. |
| ICI vial getting ready for its bath |
 |
| Fully liquified 1ml ICI vial - hoping for so much from so little |
 |
| Place the droplet onto the lens and then replace the lens onto the scope, turn on the light, and focus until you can see the tiny swimmers. |
I wanted to time my inseminations at about 20 & 30 hours after the first positive OPK. So I headed home early that evening to prepare and do it all again. For the second insem, repeated all the same steps, but used a vial of IUI prepared sperm. It's a smaller sample (.5ml instead of 1ml), but it's also more concentrated and has had all of the seminal fluid removed, leaving only the sperm itself. It was evening, so I stayed in bed for a while afterwards. It was my houseguest's first weekend in New York, so I went back out after a while to meet her for dinner. I had a LOT of cramping at dinner, but I think it was just gas (really weird gas that I've not experienced before).
On to the Two-Week Wait!
Stay tuned...
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Once Again, It's ON!!!!!
Edit: This post was turning out WAY longer than I had anticipated, so I've broken it up into two parts so that we can take a breather halfway through and not just quite reading it altogether because one post is just entirely too damn long. Okay? Okay! Read on!
So...Insem 5.1 & 5.2. Honestly, it felt a lot like 1.0, but with a few caveats. I mean, I've already been through the process of donor searching, selection, ordering, and shipping before; but never with this Bank and it's a new donor, so of course it's all butterflies and "I hope he's the one". I've already done the whole thawing and preparation process, but not since summer of 2011. It feels like forever ago. I've already done the home insemination process before, but I tried a few new things this time.
Basically, same-same but different.
So, this time around, I used Manhattan Cryobank. There were a couple of reasons for this switch. The first and foremost being that Pacific Reproductive Services has increased their fees for swimmers incrementally (and exponentially) since I began this journey four or five years ago. MCB, on the other hand, still has those same rates for Open Identity swimmers, so financially it makes more sense. PRS used to boast the "most open identity donors in the industry" (or something like that), but with Open ID being increasingly in demand from prospective parents, a lot more banks are presenting that option. I also chose PRS, originally, because they seemed to have a wider selection of donors of color. While I think that still holds true for them, other banks now also seem to have a (slightly wider) selection, so in that arena, cost was still the mitigating factor. I did also consider European Sperm Bank USA (their cost per vial is a little higher than MCB, but they don't make you put down a gazillion dollar deposit on the cryotank that the spermcicles are shipped in - most places, PRS included, require an $800 deposit). On the other hand, I'd still have been paying for long distance shipping costs as well. Plus, I found the donor that I really liked at MCB. I'm sure if I'd really wanted a EuroUSA donor, the cost difference is narrow enough that I'm sure I'd just suck it up and make it work. Oh, wait! There was a time when I was seriously considering EuroUSA over MCB. EuroUSA is ONLY open-identity donors AND when you're browsing the catalogue, you can get a 3-month, all-access subscription for $50. MCB doesn't advertise any such deal, so I thought I'd have to pay per item (full medical history, childhood photo, audio interview, etc...) for each donor I was interested in learning more about. In the end, I thought, "What the hell?!" and I decided to register online with MCB just in case there might be a donor that really stood out for me. Turns out that MCB has the same 3-month, all-access subscription deal, but they don't advertise it anywhere on their site that I ever saw. It popped up once I registered though. I think that's what changed the game for me (and led me to my good-looking, really swell guy of a donor).
Moving on...I looked through a bunch of profiles at MCB and came up with a top 5. Turns out that the donor I liked best also had a really high supply of vials in stock (both ICI and IUI). My second choice was also a great guy (as far as I could tell), but his supply was quite a bit lower and I think he may have only had IUI vials available (which is fine, even for a home insem, but just a little more expensive). I gave my cousin my login info and had her give my selections a once-over, and she agreed with both my first & second choices, so I felt ready to go. I had just enough saved up to give it a go for one cycle. THEN, I got a really generous one-year bonus from work, and that cemented things (always good to have a bit of wiggle room, and also a shot for a second cycle if need be).
I put in the order, spoke several times with the extremely patient coordinator at MCB, tracked my cycle and scheduled shipping. Just like that! I ordered one ICI and one IUI vial.
The tank-o-sperm arrived on Thursday (CD11) and I picked it up at the package place after work & took it home. PRS was a bit more discreet, listing only PRS and the address on the box. MCB has Manhattan Cryobank spelled out on their box, so I'm glad I didn't have it delivered to my job. Looked like this.
Checked inside to make sure it wasn't damaged in any visible way,
Then opened it up (with my protective gear on, of course) to make sure that they'd sent the correct vials.
Then it was a waiting game. Not much of a game, admittedly, since my uterus runs with Swiss time precision. I knew I would get my first digital OPK+ either late night on CD11 or morning on CD12. And I did get the smiley face at 10am on Friday, CD12.
FYI: I used to use just the regular, non-digital midstream OPK's. And I think they were pretty accurate. I might still think that, but early-pregnancy-tests.com (where I order all that sort of thing from) either switched to a new supplier, or their supplier "improved" their product and I find the whole "is the test line the SAME or DARKER THAN the control" line interpretation to be a bit murkier. So, I've still been using them, but I've added Clearblue Easy digital OPK's as well (for a definitive "smiley face" or "no smiley face" result). Note: I tried the Clearblue Advanced (purple) and I don't like it BECAUSE once you get a positive, it stays on the screen and you cannot test again for 48 hours. So, if I'm trying to gauge how long my surge is, it's not really helpful, and really quite frustrating. So, just the regular pink Clearblue digital OPK's for me.
(continued in next post)
So...Insem 5.1 & 5.2. Honestly, it felt a lot like 1.0, but with a few caveats. I mean, I've already been through the process of donor searching, selection, ordering, and shipping before; but never with this Bank and it's a new donor, so of course it's all butterflies and "I hope he's the one". I've already done the whole thawing and preparation process, but not since summer of 2011. It feels like forever ago. I've already done the home insemination process before, but I tried a few new things this time.
Basically, same-same but different.
So, this time around, I used Manhattan Cryobank. There were a couple of reasons for this switch. The first and foremost being that Pacific Reproductive Services has increased their fees for swimmers incrementally (and exponentially) since I began this journey four or five years ago. MCB, on the other hand, still has those same rates for Open Identity swimmers, so financially it makes more sense. PRS used to boast the "most open identity donors in the industry" (or something like that), but with Open ID being increasingly in demand from prospective parents, a lot more banks are presenting that option. I also chose PRS, originally, because they seemed to have a wider selection of donors of color. While I think that still holds true for them, other banks now also seem to have a (slightly wider) selection, so in that arena, cost was still the mitigating factor. I did also consider European Sperm Bank USA (their cost per vial is a little higher than MCB, but they don't make you put down a gazillion dollar deposit on the cryotank that the spermcicles are shipped in - most places, PRS included, require an $800 deposit). On the other hand, I'd still have been paying for long distance shipping costs as well. Plus, I found the donor that I really liked at MCB. I'm sure if I'd really wanted a EuroUSA donor, the cost difference is narrow enough that I'm sure I'd just suck it up and make it work. Oh, wait! There was a time when I was seriously considering EuroUSA over MCB. EuroUSA is ONLY open-identity donors AND when you're browsing the catalogue, you can get a 3-month, all-access subscription for $50. MCB doesn't advertise any such deal, so I thought I'd have to pay per item (full medical history, childhood photo, audio interview, etc...) for each donor I was interested in learning more about. In the end, I thought, "What the hell?!" and I decided to register online with MCB just in case there might be a donor that really stood out for me. Turns out that MCB has the same 3-month, all-access subscription deal, but they don't advertise it anywhere on their site that I ever saw. It popped up once I registered though. I think that's what changed the game for me (and led me to my good-looking, really swell guy of a donor).
Moving on...I looked through a bunch of profiles at MCB and came up with a top 5. Turns out that the donor I liked best also had a really high supply of vials in stock (both ICI and IUI). My second choice was also a great guy (as far as I could tell), but his supply was quite a bit lower and I think he may have only had IUI vials available (which is fine, even for a home insem, but just a little more expensive). I gave my cousin my login info and had her give my selections a once-over, and she agreed with both my first & second choices, so I felt ready to go. I had just enough saved up to give it a go for one cycle. THEN, I got a really generous one-year bonus from work, and that cemented things (always good to have a bit of wiggle room, and also a shot for a second cycle if need be).
I put in the order, spoke several times with the extremely patient coordinator at MCB, tracked my cycle and scheduled shipping. Just like that! I ordered one ICI and one IUI vial.
The tank-o-sperm arrived on Thursday (CD11) and I picked it up at the package place after work & took it home. PRS was a bit more discreet, listing only PRS and the address on the box. MCB has Manhattan Cryobank spelled out on their box, so I'm glad I didn't have it delivered to my job. Looked like this.
Checked inside to make sure it wasn't damaged in any visible way,
Then opened it up (with my protective gear on, of course) to make sure that they'd sent the correct vials.
Then it was a waiting game. Not much of a game, admittedly, since my uterus runs with Swiss time precision. I knew I would get my first digital OPK+ either late night on CD11 or morning on CD12. And I did get the smiley face at 10am on Friday, CD12.
FYI: I used to use just the regular, non-digital midstream OPK's. And I think they were pretty accurate. I might still think that, but early-pregnancy-tests.com (where I order all that sort of thing from) either switched to a new supplier, or their supplier "improved" their product and I find the whole "is the test line the SAME or DARKER THAN the control" line interpretation to be a bit murkier. So, I've still been using them, but I've added Clearblue Easy digital OPK's as well (for a definitive "smiley face" or "no smiley face" result). Note: I tried the Clearblue Advanced (purple) and I don't like it BECAUSE once you get a positive, it stays on the screen and you cannot test again for 48 hours. So, if I'm trying to gauge how long my surge is, it's not really helpful, and really quite frustrating. So, just the regular pink Clearblue digital OPK's for me.
(continued in next post)
Thursday, April 30, 2015
Guess Who Back.....
Last time on Self-Made Motherhood Blog....was a LOOOOOOONG time ago, right??? Well, after two unsuccessful (and rather rushed) at home insem attempts, one unmedicated (and rather rushed/stressful) clinical IUI (done in the US, but planned from HK), and one medicated (insanely stressful, and in my opinion, poorly timed) international IUI in Thailand, I was pretty much done trying until I could 1) get myself back to the US permanently (or just settle somewhere where it's actually legal and logistically possible for a single woman to make science babies), and 2) get re-employed and housed. Yeah...that took a lot longer than I'd originally anticipated.
I landed in New York from HK just before Thanksgiving 2013. I was crashing with my cousin (my only relative in NYC) with my cat until the second week of January. During that time alone, I met a bunch of potential new work families and interviewed at a few nanny placement agencies, but only came up with a handful of crazy new parents, and a few very sane families that just couldn't/wouldn't pay (I'm not deriding any family's financial circumstances, but full-time, individualized in-home care for your infant child/children is a privilege, not a right. Some people really need to get acquainted with the reality of their situations and seriously consider a neighborhood daycare. Just sayin'...). So, sharing her living space with me and my (admittedly kinda crazy, very active, extremely affectionate & attention-hungry, and sometimes destructive) cat was a bit much for my cousin, who was still recovering emotionally from her protracted, very serious illness of the year before. So I air bnb'd with the friend of a friend for a couple of weeks (at a very reasonable rate, I might add). Then I had to leave there and was in limbo for a bit. A very, very good friend offered to take my cat until I could find a place of my own, so I could do air bnb or stay with friends without having to worry about whether or not I could bring him along. So that's what I did. I air bnb'd at some of the most affordable and depressing places that Brooklyn had to offer, and stayed with friends and friends of friends whenever someone had room and compassion enough to let me. During this time, I met some families that I thought might work out...until it came time to discuss salary (which I was very up-front about, so I'm not really sure why they seemed so surprised that I meant what I said before we even met). I did pick up a little cash here and there babysitting for people who were glad I was back in NY, and even did a month-long stint nannying for half a a nanny share (Family A was going back to work and Family B was about to give birth, and I was supposed to nanny for them both, but in the end, Family B didn't want to pay. So I nannied for Family A while we both searched for new solutions). I'm sure that alone kept me from being completely destitute, as savings tend to dwindle a lot faster than you'd like when you have no source of income but are still paying for a place to stay, plus all of your credit card and student loan payments on time. Eventually, I did find a really amazing family to work with and a little over a month after that, I was able to finally move into an apartment. But I was unemployed for about six months, and functionally homeless for closer to eight.
It took some doing to get back to a place, financially, where I could even consider getting back in the baby making business. It's been a little over a year since then, but here I am! On the precipice of a new adventure. Stay tuned....
I landed in New York from HK just before Thanksgiving 2013. I was crashing with my cousin (my only relative in NYC) with my cat until the second week of January. During that time alone, I met a bunch of potential new work families and interviewed at a few nanny placement agencies, but only came up with a handful of crazy new parents, and a few very sane families that just couldn't/wouldn't pay (I'm not deriding any family's financial circumstances, but full-time, individualized in-home care for your infant child/children is a privilege, not a right. Some people really need to get acquainted with the reality of their situations and seriously consider a neighborhood daycare. Just sayin'...). So, sharing her living space with me and my (admittedly kinda crazy, very active, extremely affectionate & attention-hungry, and sometimes destructive) cat was a bit much for my cousin, who was still recovering emotionally from her protracted, very serious illness of the year before. So I air bnb'd with the friend of a friend for a couple of weeks (at a very reasonable rate, I might add). Then I had to leave there and was in limbo for a bit. A very, very good friend offered to take my cat until I could find a place of my own, so I could do air bnb or stay with friends without having to worry about whether or not I could bring him along. So that's what I did. I air bnb'd at some of the most affordable and depressing places that Brooklyn had to offer, and stayed with friends and friends of friends whenever someone had room and compassion enough to let me. During this time, I met some families that I thought might work out...until it came time to discuss salary (which I was very up-front about, so I'm not really sure why they seemed so surprised that I meant what I said before we even met). I did pick up a little cash here and there babysitting for people who were glad I was back in NY, and even did a month-long stint nannying for half a a nanny share (Family A was going back to work and Family B was about to give birth, and I was supposed to nanny for them both, but in the end, Family B didn't want to pay. So I nannied for Family A while we both searched for new solutions). I'm sure that alone kept me from being completely destitute, as savings tend to dwindle a lot faster than you'd like when you have no source of income but are still paying for a place to stay, plus all of your credit card and student loan payments on time. Eventually, I did find a really amazing family to work with and a little over a month after that, I was able to finally move into an apartment. But I was unemployed for about six months, and functionally homeless for closer to eight.
It took some doing to get back to a place, financially, where I could even consider getting back in the baby making business. It's been a little over a year since then, but here I am! On the precipice of a new adventure. Stay tuned....
Sunday, January 5, 2014
'Tis The Season...
So, obviously it's been a while. Obviously. I wish I could tell you that I've been so busy between the morning sickness, midwife appointments, making the big announcement to all my friends and family, and getting ready for the holidays that I just haven't had the free time to blog anything at all. I wish. Thailand was lovely in August of 2012, but it did not result in a tiny parasitic humanoid form taking shape within my body. Just didn't. And a lot of my time away from the blog was more about my depression and not wanting to talk about any of it at all. Not wanting to feel any of it, really. But since I'm not a drinker or mind-altering substance user, there was not much I could do about the feeling of my feelings. So I just didn't talk.
I didn't call my acupuncturist. In fact, I haven't scheduled another appointment since. It's not that I'm completely giving up. But I'm giving up for now. I've projected my cycles into the next year and there doesn't seem to be any time where even a long weekend and my ovulation will even maybe coincide. So It looks like I'm out of the baby-making game until I make my triumphant (permanent) return to the US. And since the acupuncture is so expensive, I've decided to give it up until such a time as I am gearing up for actively trying again (despite however much I liked benefits I felt it gave me physically). I didn't tell the few people who knew I was trying in August unless they asked me directly. Thankfully, most of them kept silent and waited for me to say something and seem to have been very loving and understanding of me just not bringing it up.
I felt depressed. I still feel depressed. But I also felt/feel guilty about my depression...which makes me a little more depressed...and guilty...and so on. I had other TTC friends who were pregnant for sure, and then all too soon were suddenly not pregnant anymore. I was actually partly envious. At least they know that they actually can get pregnant. The next step for them is just to try again and hope to stay pregnant. Sounds simple, but I know it's not. They feel every bit the failure that I do, and then some. Not being pregnant is a state of being that my body knows very well. I can't imagine the physical toll of being pregnant and then miscarrying.
So...That's what was happening about six months ago. This is what's happening now:
Well, let me back track just a little bit. Last Christmas & New Year (2012/2013), I came back to the states to visit my family, as is my custom from HK. Just before NYE, my cousin (who is four years my junior & to whom I've always felt as close as a sister) became extremely ill and was in respiratory distress. She was in a medically induced coma for about five weeks, from New Year's Day until around the second week of February 2013. I was supposed to leave back to HK on January 4th, but ended up changing my flight to stay for an extra week to see if her condition would improve. Though they transferred her to another hospital to be on some other bigger, scarier machine that only that hospital had, her condition was still critical. I had to fly back to HK to work and get what news I could from the family from there. I had a week off work for Chinese New Year & was going to come back to visit then, but I missed the cut-off for not-completely-insane airfares & had to put it off until the end of March. Upon seeing my cousin, who was working on her post-rehab hospital rehab at her sister's house, I made the decision (which I'd been agonizing over for ages) to leave the family I'd been nannying for in the fall, after my contract for that year was ended. I celebrated this decision by buying tickets to P!nk's Truth About Love Tour coming to Brooklyn in December for my cousin & me. It was a way to cement in my mind & my heart that 1) my cousin's recovery would be complete & she'd be well enough, and also 2) that I had really committed to leaving HK for good. I'd been with my nanny family for six years, moved to Hong Kong with them two years ago & helped raise both of their little girls from infancy. It wasn't easy, even after I'd already made up my mind during that visit home in March/April, it took another month before I could force myself to tell the parents. I ended up staying three months past the end of my contract so that I could still travel with the children in the summer & give them enough time after that to get into a good routine starting back at school & have a long transition period to my departure. Overall, I had a good transition out. The kids & I marked the days off their special calendar & talked about my upcoming departure often. They asked a lot of questions & asked me often not to go. It was difficult, but given enough time to process everything, I really think the girls weren't harmed by it. Plus, we still exchange messages on Whatsapp via their dad & the housekeeper & are planning a Skype session soon. I spent my last day in HK before flying out with the family & it was such a nice day together! Right up until we actually had to part ways and their mother & I took one look at each other and became sobbing hot messes, hugging and blocking foot traffic on a busy corner. But the girls just laughed at us for being so silly since "...We're still gonna see you on Skype! You don't have to be sad because we'll still get to see each other!"
That was the end of November 2013. Now I'm back in the US, sleeping on my cousin's couch (yes, that cousin - her physical recovery was nothing short of miraculous, and that P!nk concert was fan-frickin'-tastic!), interviewing for a new nanny position, and keeping my eye/ear out for apartments in my price range in Brooklyn so that I can sign a lease & snap one up as soon as I get job confirmation. It's stressful being in someone else's space (with my very sweet but very active cat, Precious Roy), but I have faith that I'm almost at the end of my job quest & things will settle down soon.
And when they do, I'll be ready. I'm already looking at possible new donors. Checking out new sperm banks as well. In the two years since I started actively TTC, PRS has raised their prices on open-identity swimmers from $475 ICI/$565 IUI in 2010/2011 to $565 ICI/$675 IUI in 2012 to $605 ICI/$735 IUI in 2013. Plus tank deposit & shipping. Plus the fact that you have to pay extra for every shred of donor info past the Short Profile. Long Profile, Baby Photo, Adult Photo, Audio Interview, & Video Interview...more money, more money, more money. And of course I don't want the decision of who will ultimately "father" my children to come down to money, but I've gotta leave something in the budget for prenatal care & delivery, and actually raising the child. Ya feel me? And I need those photos...If I were going about this the old fashioned way, I'd need to feel some sort of attraction to my child's father or it just would not be going down. And two years ago, PRS boasted the most open-identity donors of any bank in the US. That may still be true, but a lot more banks are initiating open-id donor programs and that gives all of us out here in the struggle a lot more options. And with this new Affordable Care Act, once I do land a job, I actually have a shot at being able to afford preventive health care. With enough research, I might even be able to get myself on a plan that will cover some of the testing associated with TTC if it starts to look like there might be a problem. Thanks Obama!
So yeah, that's how my 2014 is kicking off. The saga continues. Stay tuned...
I didn't call my acupuncturist. In fact, I haven't scheduled another appointment since. It's not that I'm completely giving up. But I'm giving up for now. I've projected my cycles into the next year and there doesn't seem to be any time where even a long weekend and my ovulation will even maybe coincide. So It looks like I'm out of the baby-making game until I make my triumphant (permanent) return to the US. And since the acupuncture is so expensive, I've decided to give it up until such a time as I am gearing up for actively trying again (despite however much I liked benefits I felt it gave me physically). I didn't tell the few people who knew I was trying in August unless they asked me directly. Thankfully, most of them kept silent and waited for me to say something and seem to have been very loving and understanding of me just not bringing it up.
I felt depressed. I still feel depressed. But I also felt/feel guilty about my depression...which makes me a little more depressed...and guilty...and so on. I had other TTC friends who were pregnant for sure, and then all too soon were suddenly not pregnant anymore. I was actually partly envious. At least they know that they actually can get pregnant. The next step for them is just to try again and hope to stay pregnant. Sounds simple, but I know it's not. They feel every bit the failure that I do, and then some. Not being pregnant is a state of being that my body knows very well. I can't imagine the physical toll of being pregnant and then miscarrying.
So...That's what was happening about six months ago. This is what's happening now:
Well, let me back track just a little bit. Last Christmas & New Year (2012/2013), I came back to the states to visit my family, as is my custom from HK. Just before NYE, my cousin (who is four years my junior & to whom I've always felt as close as a sister) became extremely ill and was in respiratory distress. She was in a medically induced coma for about five weeks, from New Year's Day until around the second week of February 2013. I was supposed to leave back to HK on January 4th, but ended up changing my flight to stay for an extra week to see if her condition would improve. Though they transferred her to another hospital to be on some other bigger, scarier machine that only that hospital had, her condition was still critical. I had to fly back to HK to work and get what news I could from the family from there. I had a week off work for Chinese New Year & was going to come back to visit then, but I missed the cut-off for not-completely-insane airfares & had to put it off until the end of March. Upon seeing my cousin, who was working on her post-rehab hospital rehab at her sister's house, I made the decision (which I'd been agonizing over for ages) to leave the family I'd been nannying for in the fall, after my contract for that year was ended. I celebrated this decision by buying tickets to P!nk's Truth About Love Tour coming to Brooklyn in December for my cousin & me. It was a way to cement in my mind & my heart that 1) my cousin's recovery would be complete & she'd be well enough, and also 2) that I had really committed to leaving HK for good. I'd been with my nanny family for six years, moved to Hong Kong with them two years ago & helped raise both of their little girls from infancy. It wasn't easy, even after I'd already made up my mind during that visit home in March/April, it took another month before I could force myself to tell the parents. I ended up staying three months past the end of my contract so that I could still travel with the children in the summer & give them enough time after that to get into a good routine starting back at school & have a long transition period to my departure. Overall, I had a good transition out. The kids & I marked the days off their special calendar & talked about my upcoming departure often. They asked a lot of questions & asked me often not to go. It was difficult, but given enough time to process everything, I really think the girls weren't harmed by it. Plus, we still exchange messages on Whatsapp via their dad & the housekeeper & are planning a Skype session soon. I spent my last day in HK before flying out with the family & it was such a nice day together! Right up until we actually had to part ways and their mother & I took one look at each other and became sobbing hot messes, hugging and blocking foot traffic on a busy corner. But the girls just laughed at us for being so silly since "...We're still gonna see you on Skype! You don't have to be sad because we'll still get to see each other!"
That was the end of November 2013. Now I'm back in the US, sleeping on my cousin's couch (yes, that cousin - her physical recovery was nothing short of miraculous, and that P!nk concert was fan-frickin'-tastic!), interviewing for a new nanny position, and keeping my eye/ear out for apartments in my price range in Brooklyn so that I can sign a lease & snap one up as soon as I get job confirmation. It's stressful being in someone else's space (with my very sweet but very active cat, Precious Roy), but I have faith that I'm almost at the end of my job quest & things will settle down soon.
And when they do, I'll be ready. I'm already looking at possible new donors. Checking out new sperm banks as well. In the two years since I started actively TTC, PRS has raised their prices on open-identity swimmers from $475 ICI/$565 IUI in 2010/2011 to $565 ICI/$675 IUI in 2012 to $605 ICI/$735 IUI in 2013. Plus tank deposit & shipping. Plus the fact that you have to pay extra for every shred of donor info past the Short Profile. Long Profile, Baby Photo, Adult Photo, Audio Interview, & Video Interview...more money, more money, more money. And of course I don't want the decision of who will ultimately "father" my children to come down to money, but I've gotta leave something in the budget for prenatal care & delivery, and actually raising the child. Ya feel me? And I need those photos...If I were going about this the old fashioned way, I'd need to feel some sort of attraction to my child's father or it just would not be going down. And two years ago, PRS boasted the most open-identity donors of any bank in the US. That may still be true, but a lot more banks are initiating open-id donor programs and that gives all of us out here in the struggle a lot more options. And with this new Affordable Care Act, once I do land a job, I actually have a shot at being able to afford preventive health care. With enough research, I might even be able to get myself on a plan that will cover some of the testing associated with TTC if it starts to look like there might be a problem. Thanks Obama!
So yeah, that's how my 2014 is kicking off. The saga continues. Stay tuned...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)