I wrote this in my little notebook on the flight from Chicago to Hong Kong December 29th-30th.
(SPOILER ALERT) I'm Not Pregnant.
I have peed on something every morning for the past seven days (and sometimes again at night just to be sure it wasn't sneaking up on me), including this morning at 5:30am. Nothing. But I hadn't gotten my period either, so I continued to be optimistic. When I changed planes in Chicago, I sat in a sunny spot and rested for about 30 minutes or so. Then a spot next to an outlet opened up, so I left the sunshine to amuse myself with a movie on my computer (Inception - which is ironic because, in retrospect, right now I wish someone would sneak into my subconscious and trick me into thinking that I don't want to have children. It would make my life so much less complicated). My flight was supposed to start boarding at 12:30pm, so around 12pm, I turned off the movie and went off in search of a bathroom and to forage for food in the terminal. The Boston > Chicago flight was only a couple of hours, so no meal service. And it may be a few hours still before meal service on the Chicago > Hong Kong flight. My stomach was rumbling.
So, first step: Bathroom. For a moment, I contemplated peeing on something again. But it hadn't even been twelve hours since the first one this morning. Not that it mattered. When I finished up and wiped, there it was. A few little brownish spots. I had a very brief, well-contained cry. Not more than a few tears really. Not an ugly cry. I pulled myself together and flashed back over some of the charts I'd looked at the day before on FertilityFriend. In a lot, there were one or more EPT-'s before getting a +. And in a few, there was spotting for one or two days before the +. I decided that I didn't want to get on a 15+ hour flight as a weepy basket case, even if it meant giving myself false hope. However hopeful I am at any time, I'm also a pragmatist. I put in a tampon. I wasn't really having cramps, I reasoned to myself. If it was really my period, I'd be nearly doubled over from pain already (for which the pragmatist in me had also packed plenty of ibuprofen). So, I made the decision not to take anything, see how I felt, and remain hopeful.
Well, around 8pm-ish (Central Time. No idea what time it was in whatever time-space the plane was inhabiting), I noticed that people were sort of bedding down, and I should take advantage of my aisle-side neighbor's state of consciousness to take a bathroom trip to check the tampon and see if it was anything more than spotting. I'd stealthily managed to slip a super-sensitive 10miu/ml EPT test strip into my back pocket - just in case.
The anticipation of going to the bathroom almost always makes me have to go even more. I'm that person who's fine all the way home, but has to do a little dance while turning my key in the lock once I've gotten to my front door. It's almost Pavlovian.
So, I decided to pee first and check the tampon second. Luckily, this particular airplane bathroom was well-stocked with little dixie cups just perfect for peeing in for those so inclined as I was just then. So, I did. I dipped the test strip in for five seconds then set it to rest on top of the packet it had come in.
Then I checked the tampon. This was not spotting. This was my period. And the test was not ambiguously negative. It was absolute as it had been the preceding eight times I'd tested. I had another brief on-the-brink moment in another public bathroom. This time, I didn't let any tears fall. I dabbed at whatever collected in the corners of my eyes. I washed my hands, straightened myself up, and left the bathroom. I stood in the emergency exit aisle for a few minutes, stretching. Then I returned to my seat and started writing this in my notebook.
Third try at baby making. First IUI. Last try for God only knows how long. I keep thinking of my sister-friend. I wonder how she could have found the strength to have done this ten times. She's a warrior. I'm out of the game, not entirely by choice, at strike number three, and all I want to do is trash that stupid little bathroom like a rock star. I want to kick down doors and throw things and shout loud enough for whoever's on the ground below to hear me. I did everything I could think to do to stack the odds in my favor. Why didn't it work? There's no answer. Maybe it's the wrong question. All of me cries for my sister-friend (on the inside. on the outside, i'm on an airplane and i'm not gonna freak out. i'm not gonna freak out. i'm not gonna freak out...). All of me cries for her ten times of high hopes and dashed hopes. But part of me is envious, too. She has a job with benefits that will likely fund the majority of her next step. IVF. It's a medical issue, so inconvenient as it may be, she could probably get the time off from work for the numerous appointments. And her insurance probably won't cover the sperm itself, but the procedures, and testing, and everything else should be covered. I mean, so far she's been doing all this out of pocket, like me. But after more than a year of very well-documented "trying to conceive unsuccessfully", surely she qualifies for coverage for whatever comes next. I'm envious and it hurts. And it sucks. And I feel like a jerk because I know she doesn't want to have to go that route. None of us do.
But the way I feel right now...I want to go right from this feeling straight to IVF. Quit fucking around. Let's just put a baby in there already! IUI is so hit or miss. Maybe nothing happened. Maybe something did fertilize and it just didn't stick. Maybe, despite all my temperature tracking, and OPK'ing, and mucous checking, the timing was just all wrong somehow. It's almost impossible to even think it. How could so many things have lined up perfectly for this to happen, and then it just doesn't?
And here I am. At 45,000ft. Scribbling in a notebook and trying not to cry. Listening to Adele. Which helps but doesn't help. Music has always been the purest, most expressive thing to me. I never feel closer to God than when I'm at a really amazing live show. And Adele has one of those voices that's just so true. Even when she throws a note, it's a perfect throw. And her writing is so succinct. I know I've digressed, but it's coming around. I promise.
I hear her words in my ears. In my head. In my heart. "If this ain't love, then what is? I'm willing to take the risk." "I know it ain't easy giving up your heart. Nobody's perfect. Trust me, I've earned it." If I'd ever really been in love in my life, I'd probably also have already been knocked up by now. I love the idea of love, but I don't fall in love easily. I'm too practical for love, I often think. I love big, but I don't fall in love.
This is the biggest I've ever loved. This is the whole and heart and soul of me. This is my one great thing. This is the reason I breathe. What my heart beats for. Everything all those songs are all about. I've finally fallen in love and it's with someone I've completely imagined. Someone made up. Only not quite made up because I haven't made...anything. I've finally fallen in love and all I can chalk it up to is the tired cliché of it just being bad timing. I've found someone to spend my life with and it's someone I've never met because my body won't let me. This is what it feels like to have my heart broken.
And I think I'm sitting on my phone, or it's lost under my sweater or the blanket or something, so I can't turn it off and Adele keeps singing. "Next time I'll be braver. I'll be my own saviour when the thunder calls for me. Next time I'll be braver. I'll be my own saviour. Standing on my own two feet." "I often think about where I went wrong. The more I do, the less I know..." Why is that so right right now? I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to do next. But something has to come next. Even if my next step is to do nothing. I just need time to calm down and figure it out.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
December 17th - Bhakti (Devotion)
Retroactive Post Day 17
Theme: Bhakti - Devotion
Question: What did you devote yourself to in 2011? How will you devote yourself in the coming year?
This past year was devoted to two things. The first being my quest to become a mother. I was working hard to read everything I could get my hands on to guide me on the best ways to go about it, the best and healthiest way to treat my body and mind to get me in the right place physically and mentally to be pregnant and be a mother. I've read just about every book and watched just about every film/documentary on pregnancy and childbirth. I've taken the vitamins. I've done my best to stay hydrated. I've charted my cycle and connected with others on the same path for support through the process. I've poured so much money into just the technical, practical aspects of getting pregnant the not-so-old-fashioned way, it's amazed me and made me see how good I can be at saving money when there's an end goal. Seriously, the amount of money I've put into the baby game so far in such a short amount of time (about $5,784 in less than six months, not even counting my tiny nest-building efforts with my little cloth diaper stash and whatnot, vitamins, acupuncture appointments, and massage therapy sessions), it's got me wondering what's taking me so long to pay off my credit cards. It's definitely a think moment.
The other thing I've devoted myself to this past year are my babies that are not my babies. The two children that I look after in my capacity as a nanny. I've been working with the family for nearly four years. Since the Big Girl was 4 mos old, and 18 mos later, the Little One as well. I love them like they are my own. When I visit for Christmas, my family asks me how the girls are. So devoted am I to my work babies that I agreed to move to Hong Kong semi-indefinitely so that we wouldn't have to be so abruptly separated (I got the news that the family was moving to HK in mid-May, and in three short months here we all were). The children have only ever known life with three adults in their immediate family. In some sense, I'm actually the most stable presence of the three at times because while Mummy and Daddy travel for work, *S is always there. Even when Mummy and Daddy aren't traveling, they are working full-time and I'm there for most of the children's waking hours during the week. I couldn't bear the thought of them going to a new home in a new country with a new language and culture, and having to adjust to a new caregiver as well. I also couldn't bear the thought of waking up in the morning to go to a job that wasn't spending all day with them.
The things I plan to devote myself to in the coming year are pretty much the same. Hopefully, I'm pregnant right now and it's just too early to confirm. So I plan to devote the coming year to nurturing my body and the tiny human (hopefully) growing inside, and having the best birth possible to usher a new little life into the world. If it turns out that I'm not pregnant this cycle, then 2012 will be devoted to keeping my mind and body fit and ready for when the opportunity presents itself again. And shoring up my finances to get me to an even better place financially for raising a child (or hopefully children). I also plan to make this a great year for my work babies. Help them learn and grow more every day into ever more curious, questioning, interested and interesting, kind human beings.
The other goal for the coming year is to possibly start some kind of business of my own. Currently, I'm thinking it will be something involving babies and toddlers. Most likely starting with cloth diapers and organic/sustainable infant clothing and accessories. And see where things go from there. Just something that can start small and stay small until I'm ready to grow it bigger. So, Happy New Year to all...it's coming soon. I'm excited to see what it brings.
Theme: Bhakti - Devotion
Question: What did you devote yourself to in 2011? How will you devote yourself in the coming year?
This past year was devoted to two things. The first being my quest to become a mother. I was working hard to read everything I could get my hands on to guide me on the best ways to go about it, the best and healthiest way to treat my body and mind to get me in the right place physically and mentally to be pregnant and be a mother. I've read just about every book and watched just about every film/documentary on pregnancy and childbirth. I've taken the vitamins. I've done my best to stay hydrated. I've charted my cycle and connected with others on the same path for support through the process. I've poured so much money into just the technical, practical aspects of getting pregnant the not-so-old-fashioned way, it's amazed me and made me see how good I can be at saving money when there's an end goal. Seriously, the amount of money I've put into the baby game so far in such a short amount of time (about $5,784 in less than six months, not even counting my tiny nest-building efforts with my little cloth diaper stash and whatnot, vitamins, acupuncture appointments, and massage therapy sessions), it's got me wondering what's taking me so long to pay off my credit cards. It's definitely a think moment.
The other thing I've devoted myself to this past year are my babies that are not my babies. The two children that I look after in my capacity as a nanny. I've been working with the family for nearly four years. Since the Big Girl was 4 mos old, and 18 mos later, the Little One as well. I love them like they are my own. When I visit for Christmas, my family asks me how the girls are. So devoted am I to my work babies that I agreed to move to Hong Kong semi-indefinitely so that we wouldn't have to be so abruptly separated (I got the news that the family was moving to HK in mid-May, and in three short months here we all were). The children have only ever known life with three adults in their immediate family. In some sense, I'm actually the most stable presence of the three at times because while Mummy and Daddy travel for work, *S is always there. Even when Mummy and Daddy aren't traveling, they are working full-time and I'm there for most of the children's waking hours during the week. I couldn't bear the thought of them going to a new home in a new country with a new language and culture, and having to adjust to a new caregiver as well. I also couldn't bear the thought of waking up in the morning to go to a job that wasn't spending all day with them.
The things I plan to devote myself to in the coming year are pretty much the same. Hopefully, I'm pregnant right now and it's just too early to confirm. So I plan to devote the coming year to nurturing my body and the tiny human (hopefully) growing inside, and having the best birth possible to usher a new little life into the world. If it turns out that I'm not pregnant this cycle, then 2012 will be devoted to keeping my mind and body fit and ready for when the opportunity presents itself again. And shoring up my finances to get me to an even better place financially for raising a child (or hopefully children). I also plan to make this a great year for my work babies. Help them learn and grow more every day into ever more curious, questioning, interested and interesting, kind human beings.
The other goal for the coming year is to possibly start some kind of business of my own. Currently, I'm thinking it will be something involving babies and toddlers. Most likely starting with cloth diapers and organic/sustainable infant clothing and accessories. And see where things go from there. Just something that can start small and stay small until I'm ready to grow it bigger. So, Happy New Year to all...it's coming soon. I'm excited to see what it brings.
A Confluence of Events Part Trois: IUI 1.2
So, when last we spoke, our heroine was gearing up for IUI Day 2.
I got up early to get ready. When I called in to AICGB at 8:30am, I got the weekend answering service. Following the instructions in my welcome packet, I asked them to page the midwife on-call so that I could schedule an IUI for today. The woman on the other end of the line took my number and said the midwife would call me back soon. And she did. While I was brushing my teeth. Her name was Laura and she asked me if I could come in at 10:30am. I said yes. I finished getting myself together and asked Auntie if she'd give me a ride to Wonderland Station. She was eating breakfast, so I made myself some oatmeal with flax and raisins and put it in a container to go. I also packed a baggy with some almonds and cashews and more raisins in case I got hungry between the IUI and getting out to the alternate acupuncture office in Brookline. Which reminded me...I called Karin to let her know what time my appointment was, and made plans to meet her in Brookline at 1pm.
By this time, I knew a ride to Wonderland probably wouldn't cut it. I asked Auntie if she'd mind dropping me closer in/further along on my trek. She took me to the Red Line at South Station. How I love Auntie so! With the extra-transportational push, I was able to get to AICGB by 10:50am. It might have been sooner if I hadn't just missed the bus coming out of Porter St. Station. The next one took forever to come. I called Laura en route, but she didn't pick up, so I left a message.
When I arrived, Laura was there to greet me...and so was Margi!!! Margi, without whom none of this would have been possible. She fielded all my e-mails and answered all of my questions and really made everything fall into place. It was like old home week. Hugs ensued. I may have mentioned my tendency to erode people's boundaries. I'm a hugger. If I like you, you're probably gonna get hugged. Deal with it. Margi had actually come in just to meet me face-to-face and wish me luck. How sweet is that?! After she left, Laura showed me into the exam room and closed the door. I undressed from the waist down (except for my purple fuzzy socks), got up on the exam table, and draped myself with a clean white sheet. I reached over and pulled the chair with my things on it closer, and dug into my bag for my phone - which is really more of an mp3 player on which I send and receive texts and occasionally place calls.
Laura came in and I scoot-scoot-scooted to the edge of the table, trying to relax. I'm not sure if it was me or Laura, but the speculum definitely required more breathe-through on my part this time around. I asked how things were looking. She said, "Good! Like you're ovulating..." The catheter pinched as it went through. It hadn't before. I turned on Adele and worked on relaxing all the muscles in my body, starting with my girl parts. As before, the IUI was over in an instant. Laura suggested something new. Instead of the lay-back-with-a-pillow-under-my-bottom, she had me completely rotate myself on the table so that my bottom was on the elevated incline part, and my head was resting on a pillow on the pull-out extension part. It felt odd, but anything for the cause! I lay there, once again, quietly singing Adele to myself, and my eggs, and the swimmers, and hopefully my future baby for thirty minutes. It's not easy to quietly hold notes in your smallest voice when you're upside down.
Got dressed. Thanked Laura effusively. On to the next step. Acupuncture with Karin. I hadn't been to the Brookline office before. Actually, I can't definitively say I'd ever been to Brookline at all before. I just followed the directions I'd gotten from the MBTA travel planner. Bus to Harvard Station. Then another bus from somewhere in that neighborhood that would take me directly there. First problem, the first bus took forever to come. Second problem, when I got off at Harvard Station, I had no idea where I was. I found the bus stop at last. Oops. No I didn't. I was on the wrong side. After making my way to the right side, the bus actually came pretty quickly. And soon we were on Harvard Street, so I just kept an eye out for the address. 318. We passed it by a block, so I got off and walked back. Didn't look particularly office-like. But my massage place in Brooklyn is the ground floor of a residential brownstone with a modest little shingle out front, so I figured it was just more low-key than the other location. Rang the bell and an unkempt, but very polite college guy came to the door looking as confused as I felt. I said I'd come to see Karin (maybe she worked out of her home on weekends???). He said it was just him and three other guys living there, and before they moved in it was also a bunch of guys, so he didn't really know what to tell me...I confirmed the address. And therein lies the rub...I was at 318 WEST Harvard Street. It was freezing outside, so I walked down the block to a library I'd seen and stepped inside the foyer. I called Karin. I was tired and cold and now lost. I thought I'd call it quits and just go back home the way I'd come. There was no way I was gonna get to her in time. She (much like Laura and Margi) had come in especially for me that day, so now I felt like a total ass. She asked me where I was exactly, and said she'd call me right back. After what I assume was some astute internetting, she figured out that the bus I was on probably did stop at her office if I'd have stayed on. I told her the buses were coming pretty frequently (i.e. I'd just seen one go by as I answered her call, so I figured they were coming about every 10 mins or so). I'd hop back on the bus and head her way, unless I could snag a cab (which I didn't think likely in this neighborhood). But just as I was crossing the street to the bus stop, a cab came down the street and I flagged him down. There was a lot of traffic on Harvard Street once we finally got there, but we got there and that's the main point.
I paid him and thanked him for picking me up and hurried upstairs to meet Karin. I rather like the Brookline office. It's in a "wellness studio" that also has yoga, pilates, and other stuff. But today it was just Karin and me. I apologized for being late (I think. I hope I did...It seems like the sort of thing I would do in that situation). She was super nice about it. After a quick trip to the bathroom, I was ready to surrender myself to a rigorous poke-a-thon of relaxticity. Yes, I made up both of those words. She also did some moxibustion, which I'd never had done before. Good stuff. Overall, I think it was a really good session. She knew I was heading for New York the next day, but we planned another session for the day after I got back. I paid. Said goodbye. Hugged. And off home back to Autie's...this time via the Green Line which was just down the block and so much quicker than the bus.
And now, we wait...
Stay tuned...
I got up early to get ready. When I called in to AICGB at 8:30am, I got the weekend answering service. Following the instructions in my welcome packet, I asked them to page the midwife on-call so that I could schedule an IUI for today. The woman on the other end of the line took my number and said the midwife would call me back soon. And she did. While I was brushing my teeth. Her name was Laura and she asked me if I could come in at 10:30am. I said yes. I finished getting myself together and asked Auntie if she'd give me a ride to Wonderland Station. She was eating breakfast, so I made myself some oatmeal with flax and raisins and put it in a container to go. I also packed a baggy with some almonds and cashews and more raisins in case I got hungry between the IUI and getting out to the alternate acupuncture office in Brookline. Which reminded me...I called Karin to let her know what time my appointment was, and made plans to meet her in Brookline at 1pm.
By this time, I knew a ride to Wonderland probably wouldn't cut it. I asked Auntie if she'd mind dropping me closer in/further along on my trek. She took me to the Red Line at South Station. How I love Auntie so! With the extra-transportational push, I was able to get to AICGB by 10:50am. It might have been sooner if I hadn't just missed the bus coming out of Porter St. Station. The next one took forever to come. I called Laura en route, but she didn't pick up, so I left a message.
When I arrived, Laura was there to greet me...and so was Margi!!! Margi, without whom none of this would have been possible. She fielded all my e-mails and answered all of my questions and really made everything fall into place. It was like old home week. Hugs ensued. I may have mentioned my tendency to erode people's boundaries. I'm a hugger. If I like you, you're probably gonna get hugged. Deal with it. Margi had actually come in just to meet me face-to-face and wish me luck. How sweet is that?! After she left, Laura showed me into the exam room and closed the door. I undressed from the waist down (except for my purple fuzzy socks), got up on the exam table, and draped myself with a clean white sheet. I reached over and pulled the chair with my things on it closer, and dug into my bag for my phone - which is really more of an mp3 player on which I send and receive texts and occasionally place calls.
Laura came in and I scoot-scoot-scooted to the edge of the table, trying to relax. I'm not sure if it was me or Laura, but the speculum definitely required more breathe-through on my part this time around. I asked how things were looking. She said, "Good! Like you're ovulating..." The catheter pinched as it went through. It hadn't before. I turned on Adele and worked on relaxing all the muscles in my body, starting with my girl parts. As before, the IUI was over in an instant. Laura suggested something new. Instead of the lay-back-with-a-pillow-under-my-bottom, she had me completely rotate myself on the table so that my bottom was on the elevated incline part, and my head was resting on a pillow on the pull-out extension part. It felt odd, but anything for the cause! I lay there, once again, quietly singing Adele to myself, and my eggs, and the swimmers, and hopefully my future baby for thirty minutes. It's not easy to quietly hold notes in your smallest voice when you're upside down.
Got dressed. Thanked Laura effusively. On to the next step. Acupuncture with Karin. I hadn't been to the Brookline office before. Actually, I can't definitively say I'd ever been to Brookline at all before. I just followed the directions I'd gotten from the MBTA travel planner. Bus to Harvard Station. Then another bus from somewhere in that neighborhood that would take me directly there. First problem, the first bus took forever to come. Second problem, when I got off at Harvard Station, I had no idea where I was. I found the bus stop at last. Oops. No I didn't. I was on the wrong side. After making my way to the right side, the bus actually came pretty quickly. And soon we were on Harvard Street, so I just kept an eye out for the address. 318. We passed it by a block, so I got off and walked back. Didn't look particularly office-like. But my massage place in Brooklyn is the ground floor of a residential brownstone with a modest little shingle out front, so I figured it was just more low-key than the other location. Rang the bell and an unkempt, but very polite college guy came to the door looking as confused as I felt. I said I'd come to see Karin (maybe she worked out of her home on weekends???). He said it was just him and three other guys living there, and before they moved in it was also a bunch of guys, so he didn't really know what to tell me...I confirmed the address. And therein lies the rub...I was at 318 WEST Harvard Street. It was freezing outside, so I walked down the block to a library I'd seen and stepped inside the foyer. I called Karin. I was tired and cold and now lost. I thought I'd call it quits and just go back home the way I'd come. There was no way I was gonna get to her in time. She (much like Laura and Margi) had come in especially for me that day, so now I felt like a total ass. She asked me where I was exactly, and said she'd call me right back. After what I assume was some astute internetting, she figured out that the bus I was on probably did stop at her office if I'd have stayed on. I told her the buses were coming pretty frequently (i.e. I'd just seen one go by as I answered her call, so I figured they were coming about every 10 mins or so). I'd hop back on the bus and head her way, unless I could snag a cab (which I didn't think likely in this neighborhood). But just as I was crossing the street to the bus stop, a cab came down the street and I flagged him down. There was a lot of traffic on Harvard Street once we finally got there, but we got there and that's the main point.
I paid him and thanked him for picking me up and hurried upstairs to meet Karin. I rather like the Brookline office. It's in a "wellness studio" that also has yoga, pilates, and other stuff. But today it was just Karin and me. I apologized for being late (I think. I hope I did...It seems like the sort of thing I would do in that situation). She was super nice about it. After a quick trip to the bathroom, I was ready to surrender myself to a rigorous poke-a-thon of relaxticity. Yes, I made up both of those words. She also did some moxibustion, which I'd never had done before. Good stuff. Overall, I think it was a really good session. She knew I was heading for New York the next day, but we planned another session for the day after I got back. I paid. Said goodbye. Hugged. And off home back to Autie's...this time via the Green Line which was just down the block and so much quicker than the bus.
And now, we wait...
Stay tuned...
Friday, December 16, 2011
Reverb December 16th - Viaje (Trip)
Retroactive Reverb post number 16.
Theme: Viaje - Trip
Question: Where did you travel this year? What was your best trip?
The quick answer would be Hong Kong...But it wasn't/isn't my best trip. Not this year, and not in comparison with any year past. I came to Hong Kong for work and it's a good thing because I love my job. It's one of the only things I like about living in Hong Kong.
Other places I've traveled this year were both in France. In March I went to LaRochelle for work with the children. In July, just before we moved to HK, I went to LaBaule as I do every summer, also for work with the children.
Is it strange to say that my best trip this year was/is my current trip to Boston/NYC from HK for my Christmas vacation? There were so many things I wanted/prayed/hoped/needed to happen during this trip, and somehow the universe moved and bent to help it all happen. I only have two weeks of winter vacation. I only have two weeks in the US before returning to my new home in HK. I want to get knocked up, but 1) my sperm bank doesn't deliver internationally; and 2) i cannot undergo insemination in HK because reproductive/fertility/conception assistance is, by law, reserved for married couples in HK. So if I was going to have any chance to get pregnant before this year is out, I would need to ovulate at some point within these two very specific weeks...but not so early on in the two weeks that I wouldn't have the time to meet with my baby-making team at AICGB first. Some way, somehow, all of those things fell into place and now I'm in the the last part of the infamous Two-Week-Wait until I find out if my attempts will bear fruit. This has been my best trip all year! I hope that the IUI did it's thing and I can look back on this trip a few months from now and still see it that way...
Theme: Viaje - Trip
Question: Where did you travel this year? What was your best trip?
The quick answer would be Hong Kong...But it wasn't/isn't my best trip. Not this year, and not in comparison with any year past. I came to Hong Kong for work and it's a good thing because I love my job. It's one of the only things I like about living in Hong Kong.
Other places I've traveled this year were both in France. In March I went to LaRochelle for work with the children. In July, just before we moved to HK, I went to LaBaule as I do every summer, also for work with the children.
Is it strange to say that my best trip this year was/is my current trip to Boston/NYC from HK for my Christmas vacation? There were so many things I wanted/prayed/hoped/needed to happen during this trip, and somehow the universe moved and bent to help it all happen. I only have two weeks of winter vacation. I only have two weeks in the US before returning to my new home in HK. I want to get knocked up, but 1) my sperm bank doesn't deliver internationally; and 2) i cannot undergo insemination in HK because reproductive/fertility/conception assistance is, by law, reserved for married couples in HK. So if I was going to have any chance to get pregnant before this year is out, I would need to ovulate at some point within these two very specific weeks...but not so early on in the two weeks that I wouldn't have the time to meet with my baby-making team at AICGB first. Some way, somehow, all of those things fell into place and now I'm in the the last part of the infamous Two-Week-Wait until I find out if my attempts will bear fruit. This has been my best trip all year! I hope that the IUI did it's thing and I can look back on this trip a few months from now and still see it that way...
A Confluence of Events Part Deux: IUI 1.0
Last time on Self-Made Motherhood Blog:
Our heroine had just landed in Boston from Hong Kong and straightened out some paperwork issues with her HK girly-business clinic.
The very next morning, I got up bright and early, put together some oatmeal to go, and headed out the door to my first meeting with my baby-making team at AICGB. It almost goes without saying that I underestimated the time it would take me to walk to Wonderland Station from my Auntie's house, and was a little on the late-ish side and getting nervous by the time I actually did get there. I went through the station, got a 7-day Charlie Card, and walked back out the other side of the station to find (through some miracle) a taxi waiting outside. I gave him the address and whatever cross streets I could glean from what was meant to be my public transportation directions printed out from the MBTA website. He flipped through a map book, pulled out a magnifying glass, and away we went!
I got to the appointment with a few minutes to spare. As soon as I walked in and gave my name to the woman behind the glass partition, voices were raised and heads were turned in my direction. Apparently, through my correspondence with the staff, I had become a pretty big deal. I filled out a little more paperwork and gave her the paperwork she'd sent to me in Hong Kong that I'd already filled out. After not too long of a wait, I was called in for my consult with Amanda, one of the CNM's on staff. Just as we were going through my medical records to piece together which tests on their long list of prerequisites I'd already had done elsewhere, Jeannie the Nurse popped in to hand over (da da da-DAAAA!) my long-awaited records from Planned Parenthood! SCORE! So in the long list of things to test for, I had everything covered except for Hep C, Varicella, Rubella, CMV, and blood type. After some consulting and question-and-answering (and a blood draw for the remaining tests), I was on my way out the door. Armed with an info packet and some unnecessary local sperm bank info, I marched out into the cold to forage for food in the neighborhood for an hour or so. AICGB has an acupuncture therapist on staff, but she's only there on Wednesdays in the afternoon. Luckily this happened to be a Wednesday, so I'd made a 2pm appointment with her already. Grabbed some Thai food, read some magazines, and headed back up the block for my first Stateside acu-treatment. Pat (the acu-lady) was awesome. Very sweet and chatty. The session went really well (I think) and I thoroughly enjoyed her Chinese relaxation music selection. After all was done, I headed for the bus stop to go home to Auntie's.
Now their policy on IUI scheduling goes like this: when you get your OPK+, you call in to the office between the hours of 8:30am - 9am. If you get your OPK+ after 9am, then you call the next day between the hours of 8:30am - 9am. It was CD10, so I knew that I'd get a + on CD11, but not until later in the day. CD11 came, and I was right. My first OPK+ came on CD11 at 2:20pm. I made plans to get to bed early-ish (well, earlier than usual anyway), so I would be already ready to do another OPK before I called in to the office to schedule on CD12. Then I came up with another plan. What if I could get in for a later-in-the-day IUI appointment and do an acupuncture appointment first? So I hit research mode and through numerous pointings and clickings and follow-up phone calls, I found On Point Acupuncture's lovely and amazing Karin Kramer. I explained my situation to her (going in for an IUI tomorrow. not necessarily infertile, just single and ready for babies to happen. need some acu-mojo to get blood flowing to my girl parts, relax, etc.). I made an appointment with her for 9am the next morning at her office on Milk St. in the financial district (she practices out of a few different places depending on the day of the week). I figured I could call in to AICGB at 8:30am, take the 9am acu-appointment, and then make my lazy way over to AICGB. Easy peasy!
Well, the next day came: CD12. I got up early and got ready. Packed up my things and took the Blue Line from Wonderland to State Street, just a short walk from the acu-place. I got off the train at State at about 8:26am, so I tried calling then, but only got the voicemail. Waited a couple of minutes. Called again. Voicemail. Waited another few minutes. Called again. Bingo! Told them I needed to schedule my IUI for today. Got my OPK+ yesterday. She put me on hold for a moment and when she came back on the line she said, "10:15am" I tried a very weak protest, saying I was hoping for an afternoon appointment, but she said the CNM doing inseminations that day was only there in the morning and if I wanted to get my IUI today then 10:15am was the only slot available for me. I said I'd be there. Now it was 8:35am. AICGB is still about an hour or so away from where I was just then. So I walked down to Karin's Milk St. office. I tried calling on my way there, but she didn't pick up, so I left a voicemail and kept on. When I got there, I explained the situation. 10:15am IUI, so no time for acu-anything beforehand. Very sorry for inconveniencing you, blah, blah, blah. She assured me that it was fine and not to worry about it. She said I should come back after the IUI and she'd do some work then. I thanked her and hurried off to South Station to catch the Red Line out to Harvard Station. By the way, not that you were wondering or anything, but Karin is just a lovely, lovely person and I liked her the minute I saw her face. I am terribly superficial, but you should also know that my first impressions are never, ever wrong.
So, Red Line to Harvard Station and then bus from there down Mass Ave. within a couple of blocks of AICGB. Got there with ten minutes to spare even...not bad. Said hello to the ladies in the front, and was shown back to an exam room where I left my stuff and then went to quickly use the bathroom. Full bladder's just not a good idea when someone's about to be all up in your girl space. The CNM doing my insemination on this very lovely, but very cold Friday CD12 was Megan. I generally hate speculums on any occasion and I was a bit worried that my natural tension at this particular occasion would make, uh-hem..., everything more tense. But Megan was great, and the speculum wasn't so bad. Since it was only CD12, I was also worried that it might be difficult getting the catheter in for the IUI, but when I asked ,"How are things lookin' down there today?", Megan said my cervix looked really good. Very open and lots of CM. YAY! So anyway, it was all over so quickly, I barely had time to process. Afterward, I lay back on the table with my butt on a pillow for thirty minutes listening to Adele's latest album on my headphones and quietly singing along.
As I was leaving the offices, I rang over to Karin to see if she'd be available around 12:30pm-ish. Yes. Took the trek over there. Went over some preliminary paperwork with Karin, and she asked me a gazillion questions about my life, my habits, diet, etc (the only frustrating thing about this whole trip has been continually meeting medical professionals for the first time and all of the extra paperwork and self-explanation that entails). We started with the session. It was really good, but a bit intense. I asked if I could come and see her again the next day after the second IUI. She was surprised that I was doing two (a lot of people have been actually). We agreed that I'd call her in the morning after I'd scheduled the IUI with the midwife, so I'd have a better idea of what time I could get to her. I went home, ate, and had a long nap.
One down, one to go!
Stay tuned...
Our heroine had just landed in Boston from Hong Kong and straightened out some paperwork issues with her HK girly-business clinic.
The very next morning, I got up bright and early, put together some oatmeal to go, and headed out the door to my first meeting with my baby-making team at AICGB. It almost goes without saying that I underestimated the time it would take me to walk to Wonderland Station from my Auntie's house, and was a little on the late-ish side and getting nervous by the time I actually did get there. I went through the station, got a 7-day Charlie Card, and walked back out the other side of the station to find (through some miracle) a taxi waiting outside. I gave him the address and whatever cross streets I could glean from what was meant to be my public transportation directions printed out from the MBTA website. He flipped through a map book, pulled out a magnifying glass, and away we went!
I got to the appointment with a few minutes to spare. As soon as I walked in and gave my name to the woman behind the glass partition, voices were raised and heads were turned in my direction. Apparently, through my correspondence with the staff, I had become a pretty big deal. I filled out a little more paperwork and gave her the paperwork she'd sent to me in Hong Kong that I'd already filled out. After not too long of a wait, I was called in for my consult with Amanda, one of the CNM's on staff. Just as we were going through my medical records to piece together which tests on their long list of prerequisites I'd already had done elsewhere, Jeannie the Nurse popped in to hand over (da da da-DAAAA!) my long-awaited records from Planned Parenthood! SCORE! So in the long list of things to test for, I had everything covered except for Hep C, Varicella, Rubella, CMV, and blood type. After some consulting and question-and-answering (and a blood draw for the remaining tests), I was on my way out the door. Armed with an info packet and some unnecessary local sperm bank info, I marched out into the cold to forage for food in the neighborhood for an hour or so. AICGB has an acupuncture therapist on staff, but she's only there on Wednesdays in the afternoon. Luckily this happened to be a Wednesday, so I'd made a 2pm appointment with her already. Grabbed some Thai food, read some magazines, and headed back up the block for my first Stateside acu-treatment. Pat (the acu-lady) was awesome. Very sweet and chatty. The session went really well (I think) and I thoroughly enjoyed her Chinese relaxation music selection. After all was done, I headed for the bus stop to go home to Auntie's.
Now their policy on IUI scheduling goes like this: when you get your OPK+, you call in to the office between the hours of 8:30am - 9am. If you get your OPK+ after 9am, then you call the next day between the hours of 8:30am - 9am. It was CD10, so I knew that I'd get a + on CD11, but not until later in the day. CD11 came, and I was right. My first OPK+ came on CD11 at 2:20pm. I made plans to get to bed early-ish (well, earlier than usual anyway), so I would be already ready to do another OPK before I called in to the office to schedule on CD12. Then I came up with another plan. What if I could get in for a later-in-the-day IUI appointment and do an acupuncture appointment first? So I hit research mode and through numerous pointings and clickings and follow-up phone calls, I found On Point Acupuncture's lovely and amazing Karin Kramer. I explained my situation to her (going in for an IUI tomorrow. not necessarily infertile, just single and ready for babies to happen. need some acu-mojo to get blood flowing to my girl parts, relax, etc.). I made an appointment with her for 9am the next morning at her office on Milk St. in the financial district (she practices out of a few different places depending on the day of the week). I figured I could call in to AICGB at 8:30am, take the 9am acu-appointment, and then make my lazy way over to AICGB. Easy peasy!
Well, the next day came: CD12. I got up early and got ready. Packed up my things and took the Blue Line from Wonderland to State Street, just a short walk from the acu-place. I got off the train at State at about 8:26am, so I tried calling then, but only got the voicemail. Waited a couple of minutes. Called again. Voicemail. Waited another few minutes. Called again. Bingo! Told them I needed to schedule my IUI for today. Got my OPK+ yesterday. She put me on hold for a moment and when she came back on the line she said, "10:15am" I tried a very weak protest, saying I was hoping for an afternoon appointment, but she said the CNM doing inseminations that day was only there in the morning and if I wanted to get my IUI today then 10:15am was the only slot available for me. I said I'd be there. Now it was 8:35am. AICGB is still about an hour or so away from where I was just then. So I walked down to Karin's Milk St. office. I tried calling on my way there, but she didn't pick up, so I left a voicemail and kept on. When I got there, I explained the situation. 10:15am IUI, so no time for acu-anything beforehand. Very sorry for inconveniencing you, blah, blah, blah. She assured me that it was fine and not to worry about it. She said I should come back after the IUI and she'd do some work then. I thanked her and hurried off to South Station to catch the Red Line out to Harvard Station. By the way, not that you were wondering or anything, but Karin is just a lovely, lovely person and I liked her the minute I saw her face. I am terribly superficial, but you should also know that my first impressions are never, ever wrong.
So, Red Line to Harvard Station and then bus from there down Mass Ave. within a couple of blocks of AICGB. Got there with ten minutes to spare even...not bad. Said hello to the ladies in the front, and was shown back to an exam room where I left my stuff and then went to quickly use the bathroom. Full bladder's just not a good idea when someone's about to be all up in your girl space. The CNM doing my insemination on this very lovely, but very cold Friday CD12 was Megan. I generally hate speculums on any occasion and I was a bit worried that my natural tension at this particular occasion would make, uh-hem..., everything more tense. But Megan was great, and the speculum wasn't so bad. Since it was only CD12, I was also worried that it might be difficult getting the catheter in for the IUI, but when I asked ,"How are things lookin' down there today?", Megan said my cervix looked really good. Very open and lots of CM. YAY! So anyway, it was all over so quickly, I barely had time to process. Afterward, I lay back on the table with my butt on a pillow for thirty minutes listening to Adele's latest album on my headphones and quietly singing along.
As I was leaving the offices, I rang over to Karin to see if she'd be available around 12:30pm-ish. Yes. Took the trek over there. Went over some preliminary paperwork with Karin, and she asked me a gazillion questions about my life, my habits, diet, etc (the only frustrating thing about this whole trip has been continually meeting medical professionals for the first time and all of the extra paperwork and self-explanation that entails). We started with the session. It was really good, but a bit intense. I asked if I could come and see her again the next day after the second IUI. She was surprised that I was doing two (a lot of people have been actually). We agreed that I'd call her in the morning after I'd scheduled the IUI with the midwife, so I'd have a better idea of what time I could get to her. I went home, ate, and had a long nap.
One down, one to go!
Stay tuned...
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Reverb December 15th - Acharya (Scholar)
Retroactive post day 15.
Topic: Acharya - Scholar
Question: What did you study this year? What did you learn? What did you teach?
I'm always studying something or other. Languages. Sciences. People. Myself. It's a big world, you know? There's always something new to learn. Actually, as far as languages, I've been completely uninterested this year. Which is not only atypical, but also counterintuitive since I've relocated to a new country. That being said, its so easy to get by in English in Hong Kong that I really haven't made the time to study Cantonese or Mandarin. I'm sure I'll get around to it sooner or later. Or make a plan to travel somewhere else, and learn a bit of that language instead. That actually seems more likely...*sigh*
In the course of my baby-making journey, I've studied my self. My body. It's intricacies and subtle signs and shifts. Seriously, I never knew so much about my own physical inner workings until I started trying to get a baby all up in this piece. I've also come into contact with others on the same journey. And learned so much about their inner workings, too. I've studied my cycle just shy of obsessively. The thing that keeps it from being an obsession is that my cycles are unbelievably regular and don't require much attention to keep track of. If my cycle was more in flux, I'm sure it's the only thing I would have anything at all to think about at any given time. I've not so much learned as been reminded that other people have boundaries. At a recent acupuncture appointment, I mentioned something about my cycle, my moods and habits, in detail, but in a very off-handed way. Then when I saw her reaction (maybe her other clients are less forthcoming? I don't know), I said, "Sorry, was that overshare? I sometimes forget that other people have boundaries." She assured me that it was fine. Good, even. It's best for her to know as much as possible to know how to proceed.
I've also learned that I'm good at eroding other people's boundaries. But I think I may have known that all along.
Maybe what I've learned most in the past year is that boundaries are arbitrary and the lines are often blurred.
What have I taught? As far as baby making goes, I hope I've taught some people that there's more than one way to make a family. That there's nothing wrong with being a woman who wants a baby, but not necessarily a husband. Or that there's nothing wrong with not wanting either one if that's how you're put together. I hope, and think i have inspired some other women in my same position to see their baby-making ability as not intrinsically linked to marriage or a romantic relationship. to trust in the universe that if you really want your baby now, then when the right person for you comes along, you'll know it for sure because that person will love you and your child(ren).
On a more every day level, I hope I'm teaching the children in my care to be curious, thoughtful, kind human beings who can be adventurous without being reckless. Giving without being gullible. Proud of themselves without being down on others.
Topic: Acharya - Scholar
Question: What did you study this year? What did you learn? What did you teach?
I'm always studying something or other. Languages. Sciences. People. Myself. It's a big world, you know? There's always something new to learn. Actually, as far as languages, I've been completely uninterested this year. Which is not only atypical, but also counterintuitive since I've relocated to a new country. That being said, its so easy to get by in English in Hong Kong that I really haven't made the time to study Cantonese or Mandarin. I'm sure I'll get around to it sooner or later. Or make a plan to travel somewhere else, and learn a bit of that language instead. That actually seems more likely...*sigh*
In the course of my baby-making journey, I've studied my self. My body. It's intricacies and subtle signs and shifts. Seriously, I never knew so much about my own physical inner workings until I started trying to get a baby all up in this piece. I've also come into contact with others on the same journey. And learned so much about their inner workings, too. I've studied my cycle just shy of obsessively. The thing that keeps it from being an obsession is that my cycles are unbelievably regular and don't require much attention to keep track of. If my cycle was more in flux, I'm sure it's the only thing I would have anything at all to think about at any given time. I've not so much learned as been reminded that other people have boundaries. At a recent acupuncture appointment, I mentioned something about my cycle, my moods and habits, in detail, but in a very off-handed way. Then when I saw her reaction (maybe her other clients are less forthcoming? I don't know), I said, "Sorry, was that overshare? I sometimes forget that other people have boundaries." She assured me that it was fine. Good, even. It's best for her to know as much as possible to know how to proceed.
I've also learned that I'm good at eroding other people's boundaries. But I think I may have known that all along.
Maybe what I've learned most in the past year is that boundaries are arbitrary and the lines are often blurred.
What have I taught? As far as baby making goes, I hope I've taught some people that there's more than one way to make a family. That there's nothing wrong with being a woman who wants a baby, but not necessarily a husband. Or that there's nothing wrong with not wanting either one if that's how you're put together. I hope, and think i have inspired some other women in my same position to see their baby-making ability as not intrinsically linked to marriage or a romantic relationship. to trust in the universe that if you really want your baby now, then when the right person for you comes along, you'll know it for sure because that person will love you and your child(ren).
On a more every day level, I hope I'm teaching the children in my care to be curious, thoughtful, kind human beings who can be adventurous without being reckless. Giving without being gullible. Proud of themselves without being down on others.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Reverb December 14th - Jnana (Self-Knowledge)
It's Christmas Day and yet somehow I still come to you from December 14th. Clever, no?
My retroactive, reflective post of the day is on the theme of Jnana, or Self-Knowledge.
Today's question: Name something you did that was completely out of character. How did it feel?
I don't know how to answer this one. I mean, in my personal person, in my character, in my core...I don't waver very much. Once my mind is made up, it stays made up until there is a reason to reconsider. And reconsideration, reevaluation...it's natural and normal. It doesn't feel out of character for me to change my mind, or my clothes, or my life. Even when the change seems drastic or sudden to someone on the outside looking in at me. Adapt or die, right?
So I can't think of anything I've done in the last year (or beyond that, even) that was "out of character". Every day of my life as far back as I can remember, I do what I have to do to survive, and once that's covered, I do what I have to do to be happy. I haven't always succeeded in the "happy". But as time went on, I realized that being "happy" was necessary in order to guarantee survival. Is it out of character for anyone to want to live in the world and find joy in it? I don't know how to answer this question...
My retroactive, reflective post of the day is on the theme of Jnana, or Self-Knowledge.
Today's question: Name something you did that was completely out of character. How did it feel?
I don't know how to answer this one. I mean, in my personal person, in my character, in my core...I don't waver very much. Once my mind is made up, it stays made up until there is a reason to reconsider. And reconsideration, reevaluation...it's natural and normal. It doesn't feel out of character for me to change my mind, or my clothes, or my life. Even when the change seems drastic or sudden to someone on the outside looking in at me. Adapt or die, right?
So I can't think of anything I've done in the last year (or beyond that, even) that was "out of character". Every day of my life as far back as I can remember, I do what I have to do to survive, and once that's covered, I do what I have to do to be happy. I haven't always succeeded in the "happy". But as time went on, I realized that being "happy" was necessary in order to guarantee survival. Is it out of character for anyone to want to live in the world and find joy in it? I don't know how to answer this question...
A Confluence of Events
Last time on Self-made Motherhood Blog (last time that wasn't about Reverb anyway):
Our heroine was in Hong Kong frantically making international phone calls trying to get absolutely everything ready for baby making Stateside. Phone calls to Planned Parenthood on an every three days basis trying to get them to fax my pelvic exam and STI records over to the midwives at AICGB in Arlington. Them insisting that they'd already faxed it, that they think they already faxed it, and that even if they haven't already faxed it the woman authorized to access the records and fax it won't be in until Friday. It's just my one and only chance to get pregnant for the next one to two years or so. No pressure. Take your time.
Phone calls to AICGB to make sure that they received my records from Planned Parenthood (SPOILER ALERT: They didn't).
Internet ordering of OPK's and EPT's to be delivered to my Auntie's house (where I stay when I'm in the Boston area visiting family). Internet ordering of various other things that I can't get in HK so I'll be able to take it back with me when I return (hello Black hair products!!!).
General obsessing over my cycle and praying that the international time-zone jumping travel doesn't mess with things and make me ovulate too early (i.e. before I have my consult with the midwives and get cleared for insemination).
This obsessing didn't stop when I left for the airport in HK. Nooooo...I was sitting in the boarding area for my flight to Boston via New Jersey...on the phone with the clinic where I had my most recent pap done (thanks to a weird but very timely Groupon HK - it also came with LH, FSH, & Prolactin levels, a breast ultrasound, and a pelvic ultrasound. seriously.). I think the girl who answers the phones has really good English, but she's also used to fielding a very few specific questions that have a limited number of possible responses. I kept asking if she could fax the results (which came in a week earlier than I thought they would) over to my doctor. She kept insisting that I had to come in to the office to discuss the findings with the doctor (though she did stress that everything was normal. no reason for alarm). Finally, when I was just about to lose my mind, she said, "Or maybe I could fax?" I swear, I think she just didn't understand me when I'd said it before. Also, I think part of me coming in to the office is that I got such a good deal with the Groupon that they have to make their money back somehow. Namely come in to the office so we can charge you more money for a quick visit than you paid for your Groupon in the first place. Pass. Anyway, after some more Engrish phone hijinks, it was determined that she could not fax it to my doctor because it was a US number and she can only fax to HK. Whatever, I got on the plane and tried to not think about getting knocked up while soaking up 14.5 hours of in-flight movie and television choices. Mostly I succeeded. Once or twice I may have paused between films to meditate on not ovulating early and take a short nap. I tried very hard not to sleep too much so that it'd be easier for me to acclimate to the local time zone once I landed.
Fourth time this year that I've flown without the children. It was quite heavenly and if things work out the way I want them to, the last time that I'll fly without one or more children for a very, very long while.
Naturally, upon landing in Boston and being taken from the airport to my Auntie's house by my father (who is lovely but not in on the fact that I'm trying to get knocked up for Christmas), I entered the house, hugged my Auntie, set up my laptop and got an e-fax number with an HK country code and called the Groupon HK clinic back (it was night time in Boston, but midday in HK). My test results were faxed directly to my e-mail within five minutes. And then...blissful slumber.
Had to get up early for my first consult with the midwives the next morning.
More to come...
Our heroine was in Hong Kong frantically making international phone calls trying to get absolutely everything ready for baby making Stateside. Phone calls to Planned Parenthood on an every three days basis trying to get them to fax my pelvic exam and STI records over to the midwives at AICGB in Arlington. Them insisting that they'd already faxed it, that they think they already faxed it, and that even if they haven't already faxed it the woman authorized to access the records and fax it won't be in until Friday. It's just my one and only chance to get pregnant for the next one to two years or so. No pressure. Take your time.
Phone calls to AICGB to make sure that they received my records from Planned Parenthood (SPOILER ALERT: They didn't).
Internet ordering of OPK's and EPT's to be delivered to my Auntie's house (where I stay when I'm in the Boston area visiting family). Internet ordering of various other things that I can't get in HK so I'll be able to take it back with me when I return (hello Black hair products!!!).
General obsessing over my cycle and praying that the international time-zone jumping travel doesn't mess with things and make me ovulate too early (i.e. before I have my consult with the midwives and get cleared for insemination).
This obsessing didn't stop when I left for the airport in HK. Nooooo...I was sitting in the boarding area for my flight to Boston via New Jersey...on the phone with the clinic where I had my most recent pap done (thanks to a weird but very timely Groupon HK - it also came with LH, FSH, & Prolactin levels, a breast ultrasound, and a pelvic ultrasound. seriously.). I think the girl who answers the phones has really good English, but she's also used to fielding a very few specific questions that have a limited number of possible responses. I kept asking if she could fax the results (which came in a week earlier than I thought they would) over to my doctor. She kept insisting that I had to come in to the office to discuss the findings with the doctor (though she did stress that everything was normal. no reason for alarm). Finally, when I was just about to lose my mind, she said, "Or maybe I could fax?" I swear, I think she just didn't understand me when I'd said it before. Also, I think part of me coming in to the office is that I got such a good deal with the Groupon that they have to make their money back somehow. Namely come in to the office so we can charge you more money for a quick visit than you paid for your Groupon in the first place. Pass. Anyway, after some more Engrish phone hijinks, it was determined that she could not fax it to my doctor because it was a US number and she can only fax to HK. Whatever, I got on the plane and tried to not think about getting knocked up while soaking up 14.5 hours of in-flight movie and television choices. Mostly I succeeded. Once or twice I may have paused between films to meditate on not ovulating early and take a short nap. I tried very hard not to sleep too much so that it'd be easier for me to acclimate to the local time zone once I landed.
Fourth time this year that I've flown without the children. It was quite heavenly and if things work out the way I want them to, the last time that I'll fly without one or more children for a very, very long while.
Naturally, upon landing in Boston and being taken from the airport to my Auntie's house by my father (who is lovely but not in on the fact that I'm trying to get knocked up for Christmas), I entered the house, hugged my Auntie, set up my laptop and got an e-fax number with an HK country code and called the Groupon HK clinic back (it was night time in Boston, but midday in HK). My test results were faxed directly to my e-mail within five minutes. And then...blissful slumber.
Had to get up early for my first consult with the midwives the next morning.
More to come...
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Reverb December 13th - Sabio (Wisdom)
Today I come to you, literally, on a journey to my past: I'm on a bus bound for Boston which is where I grew up (well, outside Boston, but you don't know where it is, so let's not quibble over semantics, okay?). I am also journeying from December 22nd (my today) to December 13th to post the Reverb of the day about wisdom through the subtle magic of the posting options menu....
So, as I said, today's theme is Sabia (Wisdom). Today's question:
What lesson or piece of wisdom did you learn from a child this year? Did it surprise you?
I'm a full-time nanny to two children I've been with since the older one was four months old. I learn new things from them every day. Most of what I learn is how to be patient and let them just be who they are without judging them or "teaching" them to be someone or something else. I think that's a hard one for a lot of parents with small children, or any adult with very young people in their lives. It's a surprise to adults how early children show us who they really are. Their preferences and proclivities. Good, bad, or indifferent. In a sense we can try to shape them, or lead them to a conclusion, but when they come up with something entirely out of your sphere entirely on their own, it can be a little bit of a shock.
The thing I love most is watching them manifest things that I've lived with them. Not necessarily lessons taught, but on a day-to-day, moment-to-moment basis there are so many teaching moments. Times when you teach simply by being. Being patient. Being kind. Being generous. Being curious. When they got tiny backpacks as a gift and instead of wearing them on their backs, they both immediately put them on their chests and squeezed a baby doll in between, mimicking how they were carried in the Ergo. Rocking and swaying, and singing to their babies to get them to sleep. Or when they see a baby crying and go over to sing the ABC's to him because that's what I do when they are upset. When the big girl comes home from school with two pieces of candy because the teacher was giving it out and she insisted on having an extra to share with her little sister. Then she gets off the school bus and shows me the candy and says, "Does one of these have nuts in it, or can my little sister have it and it's okay?"
I learn a LOT of things from children pretty much every day. And I don't know why, but I'm often surprised.
So, as I said, today's theme is Sabia (Wisdom). Today's question:
What lesson or piece of wisdom did you learn from a child this year? Did it surprise you?
I'm a full-time nanny to two children I've been with since the older one was four months old. I learn new things from them every day. Most of what I learn is how to be patient and let them just be who they are without judging them or "teaching" them to be someone or something else. I think that's a hard one for a lot of parents with small children, or any adult with very young people in their lives. It's a surprise to adults how early children show us who they really are. Their preferences and proclivities. Good, bad, or indifferent. In a sense we can try to shape them, or lead them to a conclusion, but when they come up with something entirely out of your sphere entirely on their own, it can be a little bit of a shock.
The thing I love most is watching them manifest things that I've lived with them. Not necessarily lessons taught, but on a day-to-day, moment-to-moment basis there are so many teaching moments. Times when you teach simply by being. Being patient. Being kind. Being generous. Being curious. When they got tiny backpacks as a gift and instead of wearing them on their backs, they both immediately put them on their chests and squeezed a baby doll in between, mimicking how they were carried in the Ergo. Rocking and swaying, and singing to their babies to get them to sleep. Or when they see a baby crying and go over to sing the ABC's to him because that's what I do when they are upset. When the big girl comes home from school with two pieces of candy because the teacher was giving it out and she insisted on having an extra to share with her little sister. Then she gets off the school bus and shows me the candy and says, "Does one of these have nuts in it, or can my little sister have it and it's okay?"
I learn a LOT of things from children pretty much every day. And I don't know why, but I'm often surprised.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Reverb December 12th - Libro (Book)
Retroactive Post Alert! I have jumped into my time machine and gone back to Decmeber 12th to bring you this post! Behold!
Today's theme: Libro (Book)
What book did you read in 2011 that was most inspirational? Why?
This is a tough one for me. Not because I haven't read any good books, but because I've read so many good books that are not (by average standards) inspirational. I've even re-read some classics from my collection this year. Let me just name a few titles from my 2011 book list:
Robopocalypse
The Zombie Survival Guide (re-read)
World War Z (re-read)
Sarah's Key
The Time Traveler's Wife (re-read)
Northanger Abbey
Lies Chelsea Handler Told Me
Confessions of a Prairie Bitch: How I Survived Nellie Olsen and Learned to Love Being Hated
Child 44
The Complete Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy (re-read)
The New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy, & Birth
Boost Your Fertility
The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (re-read)
There are others, but I'm 8,000 miles away from my book shelf right now and I can't think of them off the top of my head.
Inspirational things I've taken from these books: From Robopocalypse, World War Z, and The Zombie Survival Guide: These books all basically speak to the indominability of the human spirt. Against seemingly insurmountable odds, in many cases odds that we have stacked against ourselves knowingly or unwittingly, humanity wins out in the end. The trick is to think quick on your feet and dedicate yourself to being on the winning side of history. The side that makes the most of what they have available and never gives up.
From The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, Child 44, Sarah's Key: There is nobility an honor in searching for and making known the truth. The truth about a time and place. The truth about someone else. The truth about ourselves. And regardless of what gets thrown at you, or what nays the naysayers are saying now, stay true to who you are and what you believe is right. Even if it seems like you're the only one who believes it.
The Time Traveler's Wife: Against all odds, true love conquers all. Note: Love is not always convenient, or easy, or even what you think it is or should be. But getting through the hard parts is what makes the less hard parts so worth it. *sigh*
Northanger Abbey: Even if you didn't quite get it right, at least try to do everything with the good intention of getting it right.
Confessions of a Prairie Bitch: Everyone is going to have their own special version of you in their heads. Only you know who you really are and what's important to you. A multitude of other people's perceptions can be dissipated and made irrelevant if you make the commitment to love yourself as you are.
The New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy, & Birth, and Boost Your Fertility: Eat lots of vegetables, hydrate, and try to get some rest. Stay positive. Fat babies can happen to you, too!
The Complete Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Don't Panic.
Today's theme: Libro (Book)
What book did you read in 2011 that was most inspirational? Why?
This is a tough one for me. Not because I haven't read any good books, but because I've read so many good books that are not (by average standards) inspirational. I've even re-read some classics from my collection this year. Let me just name a few titles from my 2011 book list:
Robopocalypse
The Zombie Survival Guide (re-read)
World War Z (re-read)
Sarah's Key
The Time Traveler's Wife (re-read)
Northanger Abbey
Lies Chelsea Handler Told Me
Confessions of a Prairie Bitch: How I Survived Nellie Olsen and Learned to Love Being Hated
Child 44
The Complete Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy (re-read)
The New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy, & Birth
Boost Your Fertility
The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (re-read)
There are others, but I'm 8,000 miles away from my book shelf right now and I can't think of them off the top of my head.
Inspirational things I've taken from these books: From Robopocalypse, World War Z, and The Zombie Survival Guide: These books all basically speak to the indominability of the human spirt. Against seemingly insurmountable odds, in many cases odds that we have stacked against ourselves knowingly or unwittingly, humanity wins out in the end. The trick is to think quick on your feet and dedicate yourself to being on the winning side of history. The side that makes the most of what they have available and never gives up.
From The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, Child 44, Sarah's Key: There is nobility an honor in searching for and making known the truth. The truth about a time and place. The truth about someone else. The truth about ourselves. And regardless of what gets thrown at you, or what nays the naysayers are saying now, stay true to who you are and what you believe is right. Even if it seems like you're the only one who believes it.
The Time Traveler's Wife: Against all odds, true love conquers all. Note: Love is not always convenient, or easy, or even what you think it is or should be. But getting through the hard parts is what makes the less hard parts so worth it. *sigh*
Northanger Abbey: Even if you didn't quite get it right, at least try to do everything with the good intention of getting it right.
Confessions of a Prairie Bitch: Everyone is going to have their own special version of you in their heads. Only you know who you really are and what's important to you. A multitude of other people's perceptions can be dissipated and made irrelevant if you make the commitment to love yourself as you are.
The New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy, & Birth, and Boost Your Fertility: Eat lots of vegetables, hydrate, and try to get some rest. Stay positive. Fat babies can happen to you, too!
The Complete Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Don't Panic.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Reverb December 11th - Gracias (Thanks)
Retroactively posting. Again.
Today's theme: Gracias (Thanks)
Appreciation and acknowledgement are the corner stones to building trust and deepening relationships. Write a thank you note or a poem to someone who impacted your life in 2011.
In 2011, I found an ally and friend in a most unlikely place. We are separated by oceans of time and distance. But some days she is the only one who understands what I've been through on this journey of mine.
Dear Sister-Friend,
Thank you. Thank you for understanding and supporting me in my trials and tribulations, my highs, and my lows even as you weather your own. Thank you for the prayers and well wishes. Thank you for being in my corner. I love you and appreciate your presence in my life.
Today's theme: Gracias (Thanks)
Appreciation and acknowledgement are the corner stones to building trust and deepening relationships. Write a thank you note or a poem to someone who impacted your life in 2011.
In 2011, I found an ally and friend in a most unlikely place. We are separated by oceans of time and distance. But some days she is the only one who understands what I've been through on this journey of mine.
Dear Sister-Friend,
Thank you. Thank you for understanding and supporting me in my trials and tribulations, my highs, and my lows even as you weather your own. Thank you for the prayers and well wishes. Thank you for being in my corner. I love you and appreciate your presence in my life.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Reverb December 10th - Ananda (Joy)
Still catching up. Still posting retroactively.
Today's theme: Ananda (Joy). The question:
A positive frame of mind is a habit. How have you silenced the propaganda factory of negativity with positive thought and behavior in your life in 2011? How has this changed your day-to-day being?
I feel like a bit of a broken record, but since this is my TTC blog, I feel okay about having most, if not all, of these reflections coming back to my journey towards becoming a mum. When I announced to family and friends this time last year that I was planning to start making babies on my own, I knew there would be some detractors, or just some people in my life who may not agree on some level with my decision. I feel very blessed and happy to say that those individuals have been very few, and most of them have come around to see things from my perspective and now wish me well in my quest. But in the beginning, i really was battling propaganda. People weren't looking at me and my life and the decision that I'd made. They were looking at some sweepingly generalized idea of The Single Mother and what that meant to them in their own minds and hearts.
I had one friend whom I've always admired as a parent. Her sons are all amazing, giving, loving, strong, yet nurturing individuals. As a parent, I look up to her as a model for supporting your children's dreams and just supporting them in who they are/who they are growing to be as human beings. I first ran into her a few months after I made my announcement via e-mail blast. She was supportive of my decision, but had one caveat: How was I planning to support this child that I was trying to create on my own? I tried not to get defensive (and I hope that I wasn't when I responded), but inside I was a little offended. We all see each other's lives from the outside and, especially on a financial level, none of us really knows how the other is doing. Lots of people who appear to be doing well and living well are really living in the shadow of massive debt and the fear that it could all be gone in an instant. There are also lots of people who seem to get by on very little, but in reality have very rich lives because all of their basic needs are provided for and they are content to live lives built around the love of their families and friends, instead of being built around the material things that they want from the people in their lives. I was a bit taken aback, I suppose, by her question. I'm educated. I have a four-year degree from a prestigious college. I am erudite and loquacious. I am an educator and shaper of young minds on a daily basis. I have gone through hard financial times, but I have always pulled things together to make it work without compromising my beliefs or who I am. And let's face it, making babies this way is not cheap. You have to be pretty comfortable financially to even consider it as an option. Would we be asking this question at all if I were white? Is it some image of a Black single mother in her mind that she's trying to reconcile with her perception of me and the choice that I've made? Am I unwittingly battling the stereotype of the Ghetto Foodstamp Queen because I too am Black and (as things are now) will be raising my child(ren) without a partner? I don't know. Maybe. All of this flashed through my mind in an instant. In the next instant I was explaining to her that my position as a professional nanny actually fits perfectly with my quest for single motherhood. It's the only profession I can think of where it is not only socially acceptable, but perfectly feasible from a work-flow perspective for me to bring my baby to work with me. It makes financial sense because I don't have to pay for childcare. It makes emotional sense as well because, unlike the families that I've worked with over the years, neither I nor my baby will have to go through the separation anxiety that comes when a new mother must leave her child in someone else's care so that she can go back to work. If the family I'm working with now doesn't agree, then that's my cue to exit. There are other families who are very open to the idea. Especially mothers my age and older who think that they may only have the one child. It's comforting for them to know that even though their son/daughter is an only child, he/she can still be raised along side another child of a similar age. Have a built-in playmate. Not be that spoiled, bratty only child because he/she is being raised with another child and will learn to share earlier on, and potty train just that much sooner because the kids are working as a team as much as the adults are. This seemed to quiet her apprehensions and the clouds passed from her face. She congratulated me on my choice and we hugged and talked child rearing and pre-schools.
The other bit of propaganda I've had to battle was when everyone had settled down about the possibility of my becoming a single mother. The conversation does become financial (because having and raising kids is not cheap). People want to know how I'll afford diapers alone. They're so expensive, you go through a gazillion of them, and you really can't do without them. And people want to know about insurance and how I'll pay for hospital bills, etc. My brother and my best guy friend worried the most about this on my behalf (bless their hearts). After my youngest niece has turned 1 year old, he was still getting bills and filling out insurance claims for her birth at the hospital. Everyone is interested and supportive when I explain that I'll be cloth diapering and explain to them the basic principles of E.C. (elimination communication a.k.a. early pottying). And that since I made up my mind to try making babies, I've secretly been building up my diaper stash. I'm saving the fancy $20+ a piece diapers for my baby shower registry, but I have the basics in the sizes I'll need, and I'm not even pregnant yet.
When I go on to explain that I plan to have a home birth with a midwife, I got a megaton of propaganda thrown at me...oddly (in my mind) from two men who can never really go through the birthing experience first hand. I also explained my reasons for wanting a home birth. Then I went home and did some net searching to send my brother and my bestie info I'd amassed about midwifery and home birth statistics, books they should read, home birth videos from youtube, etc. I had bought 'The Business of Being Born" on dvd, and it came with a digital copy. I kept the digi-copy for my laptop and gave the dvd to my brother. The next time we spoke, he reminded me of why I love him so: He said he'd sat down to watch it with his two young daughters (who were 2 and 4 years old at the time). The only time my older niece was upset was when the lady had a caesarean and she was worried when she saw all the blood and all that. But once she saw the baby was okay and the mother was smiling and my brother explained it all, my niece was okay, too. And now there's these two very young girls who have it in the backs of their minds that childbirth is a natural process to be observed and guided, not an illness to be treated. He's like this as a dad, so you can imagine what an awesome big brother he was growing up. Very protective, but also very supportive.
So that's how I've battled the propaganda factory surrounding my choice to become a single mother. I think it's affected my day-to-day life in that I view my private life now as I view my life at work with the kids. Don't overreact. Take every something negative or questioning, or flat-out wrong, as an opportunity for a teaching moment. I find joy in knowing that I'm doing all I can to make a lifelong dream come true. I find joy in opening people's hearts and minds to the idea we can all be different, have different family structures, different child rearing philosophies, different beliefs...and yet still be happy and still be supportive and happy for others.
Reverb December 9th - Listo (Resourcefulness)
Trying to catch up on my Reverb reflections, so I'm posting retroactively.
Today's theme is Listo (Resourcefulness), and the question:
How resourceful were you in 2011? What new ways could you incorporate resourcefulness into 2012?
They don't call me PlanB for nothin'! My friend Kenny nicknamed me PlanB because she says I'm "...so adaptable to change." I feel like that ties in to my resourcefulness for 2011. So many completely unexpected things happened (especially in the last six months), and every new challenge that came at me, I took a moment to freak out, then I centered myself and figured out what to do next. How to fix the situation and remove the obstacle, or how to make peace with the obstacle and find another solution...or even just to make peace with there being no solution to an obstacle and finding the strength in taking a different path and doing something completely different.
I planned to start inseminating in July, then I found out that my Bachelor #1 was in quarantine and not available until August. I freaked out. Then I made my peace with it and decided to wait until then. Then my bosses dropped the we're-moving-to-Hong Kong-and-we-want-you-to-come-with-us bombshell. Then they dropped the bombshell that they were moving in July/August. I took a moment to freak out. I got it together, and decided I wasn't ready to leave my work babies yet, and I love new adventures and I would go to Hong Kong...of course, this meant I had to start inseminating right away if I wanted to try to get knocked up before the move. So I had to make my peace with going with Bachelor #2 for my first ICI at home. It was hard to let go of the Me&Bachelor #1 babies I'd been picturing in my head, but through the process I found a sister-friend who was going through the same thing with the same donor. An ally. A sister warrior. And when I didn't get pregnant on that first round, I made peace with that and prepared myself for round two. Once again, the universe shifted. My new sister-friend alerted me that, through some strange miracle, Bachelor #1 was available and I was able to go for ICI at home number two with the donor I truly wanted.
When I didn't get pregnant the second time, I had to make my peace with the idea that I may have to put my baby making plans on the hold shelf for a year or two...until I felt like my work babies could do without me on a full-time basis and I felt okay with leaving Hong Kong. This took more than one freak out moment. It was not an easy peace to make. But I decided that my Potential Future Children did not outweigh the needs of the babies that I'd already put nearly four years into raising. Children are a blessing in life regardless of where they come from, how long they stay in your life, or even of whether or not they're completely your own. I wasn't about to let my two little blessings toddle out of my life before we were all ready to be parted.
I adjusted to a new home, a new way of life. A much smaller circle of friends and a much roomier social calendar. Then I decided that even though I may have to wait until I could be in the States again to try making babies, and even though that may be a long way off, I had to be ready to accept that blessing when it presented itself. I started charting again. And as things fell into place and I re-learned the rhythm of my body, I looked up ahead to realize that I would actually be in the States and ovulating at the same time...I might be able to have another shot at this motherhood thing.
When I started coordinating with a large hospital's fertility clinic, I found the entire process to be frustrating from the start. I felt very much like an unexamined statistic. A number. Then when someone finally got back to me on how much it would cost, I realized what numbers they were really looking at. To make a baby with these people was impossible. It was too expensive by a long shot. I am not a vagillionaire. This too required a moment to freak out. And then came the resourcefulness again. I started searching and found a midwifery practice that would help me do an IUI for a fraction of what the big hospital was charging, and the practice itself was more in line with my personal beliefs, and what I felt comfortable with on a practical, physical level. And they've been amazing and supportive every step of the way! But that is for another post.
Today I have to figure out how I'm going to incorporate resourcefulness into 2012. Everything depends on everything else. I know I'll continue to be resourceful, but how and in which directions depends on how my resourcefulness for 2011 develops. If I get pregnant this month, 2012 will find resourcefulness in how I manage to keep my job and juggle full-time parenthood with full-time nannying on the other side of the planet from where I had originally envisioned starting and raising my little family in Brooklyn. If I don't get pregnant this month, 2012 will find resourcefulness in my figuring out how/when/where to try again...resourcefulness in making peace with not being pregnant and appreciating the joy that can come from other places, both planned and unexpected.
Whatever happens next, I know that I'm as prepared for it as I can be and ready and open to accepting blessings and miracles in my life...even if accepting new blessings means letting go and knowing that the universe will cushion my fall in some new and unexpected way.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Reverb December 8th - Dharma (The Path)
Update: The stars are aligning nicely for my IUI next week. Planned Parenthood has been a sovereign pain in the ass to get my records from for some unknown reason; but today (well tonight for me over here) I finally got the right person on the phone and she promises me that they will re-fax my records over to MAMAH (since she also says that she faxed them first a week ago, I'll wait and see). I spoke to someone at MAMAH to figure out what the general timeline to the procedure looks like. They are open seven days a week, so no matter when I ovulate, I can come in to get knocked up. I had my first acupuncture appointment this past Wednesday. I really liked it. What i don't like is the herbal mixture I was prescribed to help my circulation and help my left kidney to catch up with my right...17 scoops dissolved in 2/3 cup of hot water twice a day with or after a meal. IT TASTES HORRIBLE! It's like trying to drink the bark of a burnt tree. It's mostly cinnamon and ginger and some other detoxifying stuff. Horrible. I hope it doesn't lose its effectiveness when dissolved into hot chocolate because that's the only way I can drink it without developing a stomach ache for several hours afterward. Overall, I like acupuncture though. My acu-doc also recommends that I see someone while I'm in Boston to help increase bloodflow to my uterus. Then two lucky things happened: 1)I found out that MAMAH actually has an acupuncturist on staff, but she only comes on Wednesday afternoons...2) There is an acupuncture practice upstairs from MAMAH in their same building. More pricey than at MAMAH, but....SCORE! Still pretty awesome. I'm excited and atwitter with anticipation. I almost cannot believe that all of the timing is syncing up for this to happen. Miracles and Blessings, right?
Wandering can be good for the over-focused creative. How did you wander well this year?
This seemed like such an obvious slam dunk...This year I was given the opportunity to wander very far and wide. This year I picked up my home, my cat, my life, my hopes and dreams, and moved to Hong Kong to follow my work babies. I'm really not sure how or even if that reflects the idea of "wandering well", though. It qualifies as wandering in the sense that I chose to change my path (or at least the place where I walked my daily path) and meander, after a fashion, in an unknown place not knowing what might lie ahead. It feels less like wandering when I think that I'm doing the same job with essentially the same people that I was with on the other side of the planet. Yes, I uprooted my life. But at the moment, and for nearly four years now, my work babies are my life. I've loved little J. since the day we met when she was two and a half months old, and grew to love her more every day after I accepted the job and started looking after her full-time when she was four months old. Little C. has never known a world that didn't have me in it. As far as she's concerned, Mummy and Papa come and go. They get on planes and go away for a few days or a few weeks, and then they eventually come back. But I'm the constant. Mummy goes and Papa goes, but I am always there. And I've grown not only accustomed to being that center of things, but I've grown to enjoy my place in the family. When we're apart for two weeks at Christmas, or a week or two in the summer, I miss them. When I visit my family, they ask me how the girls are doing. They want to see pictures and hear stories about my work babies. In part, I moved to Hong Kong because the time frame for the move was so short (I found out in mid-May and was on a plane over the Atlantic by mid-July). I'm the only nanny that they've ever had. A new home. A new country. New languages. No more familiar neighborhood haunts. No more friends from story times and pre-school in New York. I just felt like the very idea that the children would go through this whole transition and have to also adjust to a new nanny on top of it all would be too much for them. But in another sense, I moved to Hong Kong because the time frame for the move was too short for me to adjust to the idea of a world without my work babies in it. And even though I'd been steadily working up to making a baby of my own, my idea baby couldn't compete with the two flesh and blood babies that I've already been raising for the last almost four years.
But I got here and something changed. I found out briefly before I came that it would not be possible for me to continue my quest at baby making as a single mum in Hong Kong because assisted reproductive technology is restricted to married couples only in Hong Kong. It hit me like a ton of bricks, but I made my peace with it. I had to. I didn't (and still don't) envision leaving my work babies for at least a year, but more likely two. And I don't anticipate the family relocating back to the U.S., much less New York, in anything less than three to five years...if they end up in the U.S. at all. I made my peace with it and decided to pull out all the stops and really go for it when I landed back in the US in a year or two. I'd be two years older and two years less fertile, but in my heart there was no other way.
And then things changed again. I was so depressed after my last U.S.-based attempt at baby making didn't work out that I stopped charting for a time. But when I started charting again, I looked ahead...and month after month, it began to look more and more like I may have a chance to try again during my Christmas holidays in December. It could be my next/last chance! Then I changed. I'd gone into the whole baby making thing wanting very much to do it all at home on my own. To get the sperm on my own. To inseminate by myself at home. As if my baby would be more mine if I didn't have anyone else's help in getting him/her here. But now that I know that eight or nine days from now may be my last chance to even consider getting pregnant again for another two years, I have embraced the idea of getting assistance with my assisted reproductive technology. Instead of trying it out on my own at my Auntie's house, I've opted to go for an IUI and have it done by medical professionals who will not (and have not so far) treat me like a number, or a statistic, or payday and nothing more. Some of it's a little nerve wracking, but the midwives I've been in communication with have been nothing short of a miracle to me.
So, how have I wandered well this past year? I've chosen a different path, but I've realized that taking another route doesn't have to mean letting go of the place where I want to end up. My entire life, I've always dreamed of having children of my own. If I'm honest with myself, I never thought that I'd be doing it alone. This is not the path that I thought I would be on. But it's still a path that will (God willing) lead me to a fat, happy baby of my own. And I'm not alone. On my journey, I've come into contact with some of the strongest, most giving, most thoughtful women I ever could have imagined. Each trying to make a family in our own way. Each trying to shed some light and spread some love to another trying to do the same. And I've been reminded that I've never been alone. From the beginning of this journey, I've had so many well-wishers and so much encouragement from people who have been in my life all along. People who love and accept me for who I am. Who respect my ideas and opinions. Who believe in my ability to speak my ideas into being. People who want my dreams to come true just as much as I want that for myself. My people. We are a strange and far flung community, but we are a community nonetheless.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
All I Want For Christmas...
Previously on Self-made Motherhood Blog...
I was freaked out and hugely disappointed to learn that it is illegal for me and my unmarried self to get fertility/conception assistance from any doctor in Hong Kong. For realsies. Check out the ordinance. But i picked myself up, dusted myself off, and was prepared to start all over again by planning an IUI with a major Boston hospital's fertility centre. Short story - here's how that all went:
Me: Hi, I'm single and TTC with frozen/thawed donor sperm and want to do an IUI w/your facility in December. How do I make that happen?
Them: Log on to our patient interface site and upload all your medical records pertaining to your previous fertility treatment.
Me: I haven't had any previous fertility treatment. I've only TTC'd twice. With frozen/thawed donor sperm. At home. So it's not exactly proven (or even suggested at this point) that I have any fertility issues. I just would rather do an IUI this time around to boost my chances since I won't have an opportunity for another year or more. I can't get assistance in Hong Kong because I'm unmarried, so it's against the law.
Them: Oh, okay. Well then just send us all of your medical records pertaining to your previous fertility treatment. Or have your doctor in Hong Kong send your records via the interface site, or by fax.
Me: Oh, um...I think I may have already mentioned this all several times before, but I haven't had any previous fertility treatment. I've only TTC'd twice. With frozen/thawed donor sperm. At home. So it's not exactly proven (or even suggested at this point) that I have any fertility issues. I just would rather do an IUI this time around to boost my chances since I won't have an opportunity for another year or more. I can't get assistance in Hong Kong because I'm unmarried, so it's against the law.
Them: Oh, I see. Well then, we'll have to run all your labs and testing when you get here.
Me: What kind of labs? I do have some standard bloodwork from my primary care physician in NYC, and also my most recent pap and STI screening. I could have all that sent over to you...
Them: No, we'll have to run the tests here.
Me: Well, I won't have insurance in the US when I come. Could you at least tell me how much any/all of this is going to cost?
Them: Hi *S. I'm a totally different person than who you've been corresponding with. I run the IVF clinic here. I'll just need all your previous medical records from your previous fertility treatment to assess your situation.
Me: Right...well, as I mentioned already...several times to the person before, I haven't had any previous fertility treatment. I've only TTC'd twice. With frozen/thawed donor sperm. At home. So it's not exactly proven (or even suggested at this point) that I have any fertility issues. I just would rather do an IUI this time around to boost my chances since I won't have an opportunity for another year or more. I can't get assistance in Hong Kong because I'm unmarried, so it's against the law. Also, how much is this all going to cost?
Them: Oh, I see. Well, the initial consult is $674. One day IUI is $891, and two-day IUI is $1782.
Them again: Hi *S. I'm a different different person than the last two people you've been in contact with. I handle financial services for the IVF clinic. Okay, so if you're doing unmedicated or Clomid cycle, it's $761. If you're using injectables, then it's $2,684.88.
Them again: Did you get our last e-mail? You'll also have to have an initial consultation which will cost $674. And from there we can determine what labs/tests will have to be run. This will increase your initial cost of treatment. Any questions?
Now picture me huddled up in front of my laptop reading this last message, rocking back and forth in the fetal position. And....scene.
So after an appropriate amount of freak out time, I did what any self-respecting nerd would do: I went back to some hardcore research. I remembered reading somewhere that someone had done their IUI at home, but it turned out her best friend was a nurse, so the nurse friend learned the procedure and did it for her at home. BUT, someone else had done it at home with a midwife. So I started researching Boston+Midwife+IUI.
After a lot of sorting of procedures and services, and mapping of distances, I came down to two places. 1. Midwives at Mount Auburn Hospital in Cambridge (MAMAH). 2. Alternative Insemination Center of Greater Boston (AICGB) in Arlington. I sent out a preliminary e-mail to MAMAH. AICGB didn't have an e-mail. Only a contact number. And since I hadn't yet figured out how to dial internationally on my cheapie rechargeable HK SIM card, I let it rest for a minute. A minute lasted exactly two days. I'd e-mailed over the weekend, so when I didn't hear anything back by Tuesday night (Hong Kong time), I figured out my SIM card dialing situation and called MAMAH. I explained my situation (living in HK, in Boston in December, want to try IUI). The person in charge was in a meeting, but the person I spoke to answered a bunch of my questions and told me that they do IUI only at their Arlington branch, and gave me the number to call to talk to someone directly there. Check this out: they charge $163 for the initial consultation, and then it's $190 per IUI. What were they charging me for at the mega hospital? Bureaucracy?!?!
So, just as I was about to dial MAMAH's Arlington branch, I looked down at my notes and realised that it was the same phone number I had for AICGB. Apparently, they used to be separate, but now they were merged. Well then!
In the interim, I've been e-mailing back and forth with a coordinator there. She's been fabulous and very attentive. She thinks it's awesome that I'm going for it in December. And she's taken my family medical history via e-mail and says my initial consult will be pretty short since we're getting most of this stuff out of the way in advance. I e-mailed scans of whatever medical records I do have and also PDF's of my charts from FertilityFriend.com. She said since I had all my physical exams, pap, and STI screening done in late December and late January, I won't have to make myself crazy trying to get it all done again. I just has to be within a year of IUI. And I come in just a few weeks under the wire. YAY! I am missing tests for Rubella, Varicella, Hepatitis C, and CMV. So i need to sort those out before I come.
In other Hong Kong awesome/kinda weird news: I signed up for Groupon HK, and found this in my inbox recently. It includes FSH, LH, and Prolactin levels testing (which I've never had checked before, but are good to know about when you're TTC), pap smear, breast exam, breast ultrasound, and pelvic ultrasound. No sh*t! And the cost? Total $888 HKD (approximately $114 USD). So weird! But i figure I should get a new pap before I TTC in December, because if/when I get knocked up, I definitely don't want any unnecessary poking and prodding up in there. Also, if you guys only knew how hard I tried to get a mammogram in NYC before I started TTC. If you don't have major medical insurance AND an already presenting lump, it is impossible to do for free or low cost if you're under 40 years old. Even when I explained that my mother was diagnosed at age 31, and I'm now 35...no dice. I got a lot of: "Well, you should definitely get screened then! But you'll have to pay out of pocket because we only test women over 40 here." Then with a random Groupon, I get a breast ultrasound (which are actually less invasive/uncomfortable/painful and can show abnormalities sooner). And it's a fraction of the price! Mind=Blown
Also, ordered one IUI vial of Bachelor #1 this past week. I'm waiting for a transfer from my HK bank to my US bank to go through (hopefully soon) so that I can order another one. I checked availability, and he currently has less than 10 IUI vials, and also less than 10 ICI vials before he's on hold for quarantine of the next batch again. I think the IUI vials go quicker, so I may have to get an ICI vial and have it prepped at MAMAH when I get there. AND, I have a friend who's going to be TTC with the same donor around the same time, so I'm hoping and praying for Christmas miracles for us both!
Stay tuned...
I was freaked out and hugely disappointed to learn that it is illegal for me and my unmarried self to get fertility/conception assistance from any doctor in Hong Kong. For realsies. Check out the ordinance. But i picked myself up, dusted myself off, and was prepared to start all over again by planning an IUI with a major Boston hospital's fertility centre. Short story - here's how that all went:
Me: Hi, I'm single and TTC with frozen/thawed donor sperm and want to do an IUI w/your facility in December. How do I make that happen?
Them: Log on to our patient interface site and upload all your medical records pertaining to your previous fertility treatment.
Me: I haven't had any previous fertility treatment. I've only TTC'd twice. With frozen/thawed donor sperm. At home. So it's not exactly proven (or even suggested at this point) that I have any fertility issues. I just would rather do an IUI this time around to boost my chances since I won't have an opportunity for another year or more. I can't get assistance in Hong Kong because I'm unmarried, so it's against the law.
Them: Oh, okay. Well then just send us all of your medical records pertaining to your previous fertility treatment. Or have your doctor in Hong Kong send your records via the interface site, or by fax.
Me: Oh, um...I think I may have already mentioned this all several times before, but I haven't had any previous fertility treatment. I've only TTC'd twice. With frozen/thawed donor sperm. At home. So it's not exactly proven (or even suggested at this point) that I have any fertility issues. I just would rather do an IUI this time around to boost my chances since I won't have an opportunity for another year or more. I can't get assistance in Hong Kong because I'm unmarried, so it's against the law.
Them: Oh, I see. Well then, we'll have to run all your labs and testing when you get here.
Me: What kind of labs? I do have some standard bloodwork from my primary care physician in NYC, and also my most recent pap and STI screening. I could have all that sent over to you...
Them: No, we'll have to run the tests here.
Me: Well, I won't have insurance in the US when I come. Could you at least tell me how much any/all of this is going to cost?
Them: Hi *S. I'm a totally different person than who you've been corresponding with. I run the IVF clinic here. I'll just need all your previous medical records from your previous fertility treatment to assess your situation.
Me: Right...well, as I mentioned already...several times to the person before, I haven't had any previous fertility treatment. I've only TTC'd twice. With frozen/thawed donor sperm. At home. So it's not exactly proven (or even suggested at this point) that I have any fertility issues. I just would rather do an IUI this time around to boost my chances since I won't have an opportunity for another year or more. I can't get assistance in Hong Kong because I'm unmarried, so it's against the law. Also, how much is this all going to cost?
Them: Oh, I see. Well, the initial consult is $674. One day IUI is $891, and two-day IUI is $1782.
Them again: Hi *S. I'm a different different person than the last two people you've been in contact with. I handle financial services for the IVF clinic. Okay, so if you're doing unmedicated or Clomid cycle, it's $761. If you're using injectables, then it's $2,684.88.
Them again: Did you get our last e-mail? You'll also have to have an initial consultation which will cost $674. And from there we can determine what labs/tests will have to be run. This will increase your initial cost of treatment. Any questions?
Now picture me huddled up in front of my laptop reading this last message, rocking back and forth in the fetal position. And....scene.
So after an appropriate amount of freak out time, I did what any self-respecting nerd would do: I went back to some hardcore research. I remembered reading somewhere that someone had done their IUI at home, but it turned out her best friend was a nurse, so the nurse friend learned the procedure and did it for her at home. BUT, someone else had done it at home with a midwife. So I started researching Boston+Midwife+IUI.
After a lot of sorting of procedures and services, and mapping of distances, I came down to two places. 1. Midwives at Mount Auburn Hospital in Cambridge (MAMAH). 2. Alternative Insemination Center of Greater Boston (AICGB) in Arlington. I sent out a preliminary e-mail to MAMAH. AICGB didn't have an e-mail. Only a contact number. And since I hadn't yet figured out how to dial internationally on my cheapie rechargeable HK SIM card, I let it rest for a minute. A minute lasted exactly two days. I'd e-mailed over the weekend, so when I didn't hear anything back by Tuesday night (Hong Kong time), I figured out my SIM card dialing situation and called MAMAH. I explained my situation (living in HK, in Boston in December, want to try IUI). The person in charge was in a meeting, but the person I spoke to answered a bunch of my questions and told me that they do IUI only at their Arlington branch, and gave me the number to call to talk to someone directly there. Check this out: they charge $163 for the initial consultation, and then it's $190 per IUI. What were they charging me for at the mega hospital? Bureaucracy?!?!
So, just as I was about to dial MAMAH's Arlington branch, I looked down at my notes and realised that it was the same phone number I had for AICGB. Apparently, they used to be separate, but now they were merged. Well then!
In the interim, I've been e-mailing back and forth with a coordinator there. She's been fabulous and very attentive. She thinks it's awesome that I'm going for it in December. And she's taken my family medical history via e-mail and says my initial consult will be pretty short since we're getting most of this stuff out of the way in advance. I e-mailed scans of whatever medical records I do have and also PDF's of my charts from FertilityFriend.com. She said since I had all my physical exams, pap, and STI screening done in late December and late January, I won't have to make myself crazy trying to get it all done again. I just has to be within a year of IUI. And I come in just a few weeks under the wire. YAY! I am missing tests for Rubella, Varicella, Hepatitis C, and CMV. So i need to sort those out before I come.
In other Hong Kong awesome/kinda weird news: I signed up for Groupon HK, and found this in my inbox recently. It includes FSH, LH, and Prolactin levels testing (which I've never had checked before, but are good to know about when you're TTC), pap smear, breast exam, breast ultrasound, and pelvic ultrasound. No sh*t! And the cost? Total $888 HKD (approximately $114 USD). So weird! But i figure I should get a new pap before I TTC in December, because if/when I get knocked up, I definitely don't want any unnecessary poking and prodding up in there. Also, if you guys only knew how hard I tried to get a mammogram in NYC before I started TTC. If you don't have major medical insurance AND an already presenting lump, it is impossible to do for free or low cost if you're under 40 years old. Even when I explained that my mother was diagnosed at age 31, and I'm now 35...no dice. I got a lot of: "Well, you should definitely get screened then! But you'll have to pay out of pocket because we only test women over 40 here." Then with a random Groupon, I get a breast ultrasound (which are actually less invasive/uncomfortable/painful and can show abnormalities sooner). And it's a fraction of the price! Mind=Blown
Also, ordered one IUI vial of Bachelor #1 this past week. I'm waiting for a transfer from my HK bank to my US bank to go through (hopefully soon) so that I can order another one. I checked availability, and he currently has less than 10 IUI vials, and also less than 10 ICI vials before he's on hold for quarantine of the next batch again. I think the IUI vials go quicker, so I may have to get an ICI vial and have it prepped at MAMAH when I get there. AND, I have a friend who's going to be TTC with the same donor around the same time, so I'm hoping and praying for Christmas miracles for us both!
Stay tuned...
Friday, November 18, 2011
Perturbed is not even the word...
Hi Hi.
So, as you all know, when I got the offer to move to HK for work, it kicked my TTC plans into high gear and I jumped right in to do my first at-home ICI. BUT, at that time, the vials that I had pre-ordered for Bachelor #1 were still in quarantine AND I was told at that time that he was "off the catalogue" officially, and would not be available for more vials in the future except for sibling vials to families that had already conceived with him. It was a little devastating, but I didn't want to wait, and because of the move with work, didn't have the option to wait. I traded in my Bachelor #1 vials for Bachelor #2 vials and moved forward. Bachelor #2 was in very good health, his grandparents were either still living or had died of natural causes into their 80's and 90's. And he seemed like an all around decent human being. Plus, I had his childhood photo. He was a cute kid, and I didn't see any potential for a bad mix of physical DNA (i.e. ugly babies....just keepin' it real y'all. If I were doing this the old-fashioned way, I'd want to be attracted to the person I'd be making babies with, right?). So June rolled around and I tried my well-timed at-home ICI with Bachelor #2. BFN. But I got right back up and geared up for the next cycle (the last one before I would leave the country for work for the foreseeable future). At the last minute, I got a message from the lovely Miss T. She and I were both in want of Bachelor #1, and she just found out that he was suddenly, very unexpectedly available and back on the catalogue! You can read all about the harrowing tale of my second attempt (ICI 2.0) here. Long story short: BFN. Super depressed. A lot of crying and eating my feelings covered in ice cream.
Well, then I worked through some issues. Did some soul searching and big questions of life, the universe, and everything asking. I looked ahead to see when I might be ovulating in December. If there was just the tiniest glimmer of hope that I might be able to try again while I was back in the States at Christmas time. OMG, more than a glimmer. So, that's the current plan. Step off plane in Boston, sleep, go meet some people about getting knocked up.
Of course, I was well aware that Bachelor #1 is well-liked and may turn up unavailable come December. So I hit the books again (or rather the laptop again) and started pouring over the donor catalogue at The Bank. I like my Bachelor #2, but though he is a man of color, the color is technically not Black (i.e. African or African American ancestry). I figured it's been a while since I looked at other options, so I may as well see if anyone new has come into play. Hopefully, Bachelor #1 will be there when I need him. And if I don't find anyone awesome-r, then Bachelor #2 would suit me just fine. I'd already tried him once and pictured our PFC's during my 2ww last time.
But that's when I saw him: Donor 3997. He was half Black, half a bunch of other things that added up to Caucasian (not completely unlike my own mixed bag of family background DNA). And on paper, he was fertile as all get out. He had a daughter of his own from a previous relationship, and he'd also helped a lesbian couple conceive before getting with the program at The Bank. It also said he was "responsible for 2 other pregnancies". I can only guess that alludes to girls he'd knocked up that decided not to continue the pregnancies. From his childhood photos, you could tell he was very handsome, so it was not a big surprise that women were getting knocked up by him left, right, and center. I liked him so much I was now having a hard time deciding between 3997 (aka Bachelor #3) and Bachelor #1. I think this was back in September or October.
So the months go by, and I still haven't made a final decision. But my IUI Christmas Holiday Spectacular is getting closer, and I wanted to order my samples in advance. Then I had a detour. My cousin was traveling with work and stopping off in HK. We'd planned a weekend trip to Beijing together. I had to work for a few hours before heading to the airport, so she met me at work (the kids were anxious to see her. she was a somebody from New York that they were actually going to get to see again, unlike their school friends...), and we left to the airport from there. I was low on reading material, so I grabbed a couple of magazines from the coffee table at work to read on the flight. One would change the entire game for me...
Have you seen this Newsweek article on so-called "donorsexuals?" "Free Sperm Donors - and the women who want them"? It's a bit creepy. BUT reading about creepy guys who are willing to hook up with women to get them knocked up (not all the donations are "asexual" is all I'm saying) isn't what freaked me out. In the article, it highlights one donor in particular, and then tells of a website where donors and recipients can interface and make plans. Like a dating site almost. It's called the Free Sperm Donor Registry. For some reason, after reading this article, I had this odd, defenses-up feeling gnawing at me all weekend until I came home from Beijing.
I found the FSDR site and signed up. Then I started looking through files for potential donors. Somewhere around page 6 or 7, I had my apprehensions confirmed. Donor 3997, who has a limit to how many families he can create via The Bank, also goes by FSDR10103 (you have to be signed in to see his profile), and according to his stats page, he's fathered 8 children through donation. I'm not sure if his "AI", or artificial insemination, offspring includes donations to The Bank or not, but some of his offspring on the FSDR are the result of "NI" or natural insemination. That means he actually had sex with women that he met through FSDR. How can I be sure it was him, you ask? Well, he has a photo of himself as a young man posted with his profile and first name. And I recognized his face instantly from the childhood photos I'd ordered from The Bank! I was sick to my stomach.
On the FSDR, you can contact other users directly, so I got in touch and asked him flat out if he was the same donor I'd found at The Bank. He replied back asking how I knew he was at The Bank, and saying that he thought he was off their catalogue. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. It's entirely possible that he only donated at The Bank for a year and thought that several years later, his dealings there were done. But if he has 8 kids via donation (in any form), then how likely is it that he's been playing on both sides of the fence during some overlapping time period? I thought very likely. I didn't think he was being completely honest. So I messaged him back and told him how I'd gone through The Bank, and he was in my top two choices. I asked if he wouldn't mind telling me a bit more about himself. He never replied. Then, I thought to myself, The Bank is in Area X, and he's listed as still living in Area X on the FSDR. I googled other Banks in that area and started going through their donor catalogues. I found another profile that looked surprisingly similar at Rainbow Flag Health Services (Donor #46-201-421). No photo, but ethnicity, height, weight, and eye color all match up (hazel eyes are not that common).
So I guess that settles it for me, Bachelor #1 it is! I re-googled him and searched other Banks for similar profiles and found zip on that by the way. After what happened with Bachelor #3, I had to check! I called The Bank to place my pre-order. Then, after that was out of the way, I broached the subject of Donor 3997. I told her about the article I'd read and the FSDR. She said a registry is different from a sperm bank, and it probably just showed offspring. That it was unlikely that he was donating there. I elaborated and told her about his personal profile and that he listed himself as a donor willing to travel to meet the recipient for in-person inseminations. I actually heard her jaw hit the floor. I gave her all the info for where to look online. Then she asked if that was the only place I'd found him. I told her about Rainbow Flag as well. She asked if I wanted to be kept in the loop on follow-up with this. I said no because now that I know what I know, I won't be using him as a donor EVER, but that I felt obligated to share the information with The Bank because they have a strict policy on family limits. I mean, I'm looking at The Bank trying to wrap my head around the idea of 20 other families having a kid (or two or three) who are half-siblings to my own PFC's. The notion that he is out there spreading it around like Johnny-freakin'-Appleseed because he needs to see more little versions of himself running around in the world, and there could be hundreds of half-siblings out there if he's not stopped is completely abhorrent to me. Perturbed is not even the word...
Even more disturbing is that his profile still shows up in a search at The Bank. Currently very creeped out and embracing the divine intervention that put Bachelor #1 in my path in the first place.
Stay tuned...
So, as you all know, when I got the offer to move to HK for work, it kicked my TTC plans into high gear and I jumped right in to do my first at-home ICI. BUT, at that time, the vials that I had pre-ordered for Bachelor #1 were still in quarantine AND I was told at that time that he was "off the catalogue" officially, and would not be available for more vials in the future except for sibling vials to families that had already conceived with him. It was a little devastating, but I didn't want to wait, and because of the move with work, didn't have the option to wait. I traded in my Bachelor #1 vials for Bachelor #2 vials and moved forward. Bachelor #2 was in very good health, his grandparents were either still living or had died of natural causes into their 80's and 90's. And he seemed like an all around decent human being. Plus, I had his childhood photo. He was a cute kid, and I didn't see any potential for a bad mix of physical DNA (i.e. ugly babies....just keepin' it real y'all. If I were doing this the old-fashioned way, I'd want to be attracted to the person I'd be making babies with, right?). So June rolled around and I tried my well-timed at-home ICI with Bachelor #2. BFN. But I got right back up and geared up for the next cycle (the last one before I would leave the country for work for the foreseeable future). At the last minute, I got a message from the lovely Miss T. She and I were both in want of Bachelor #1, and she just found out that he was suddenly, very unexpectedly available and back on the catalogue! You can read all about the harrowing tale of my second attempt (ICI 2.0) here. Long story short: BFN. Super depressed. A lot of crying and eating my feelings covered in ice cream.
Well, then I worked through some issues. Did some soul searching and big questions of life, the universe, and everything asking. I looked ahead to see when I might be ovulating in December. If there was just the tiniest glimmer of hope that I might be able to try again while I was back in the States at Christmas time. OMG, more than a glimmer. So, that's the current plan. Step off plane in Boston, sleep, go meet some people about getting knocked up.
Of course, I was well aware that Bachelor #1 is well-liked and may turn up unavailable come December. So I hit the books again (or rather the laptop again) and started pouring over the donor catalogue at The Bank. I like my Bachelor #2, but though he is a man of color, the color is technically not Black (i.e. African or African American ancestry). I figured it's been a while since I looked at other options, so I may as well see if anyone new has come into play. Hopefully, Bachelor #1 will be there when I need him. And if I don't find anyone awesome-r, then Bachelor #2 would suit me just fine. I'd already tried him once and pictured our PFC's during my 2ww last time.
But that's when I saw him: Donor 3997. He was half Black, half a bunch of other things that added up to Caucasian (not completely unlike my own mixed bag of family background DNA). And on paper, he was fertile as all get out. He had a daughter of his own from a previous relationship, and he'd also helped a lesbian couple conceive before getting with the program at The Bank. It also said he was "responsible for 2 other pregnancies". I can only guess that alludes to girls he'd knocked up that decided not to continue the pregnancies. From his childhood photos, you could tell he was very handsome, so it was not a big surprise that women were getting knocked up by him left, right, and center. I liked him so much I was now having a hard time deciding between 3997 (aka Bachelor #3) and Bachelor #1. I think this was back in September or October.
So the months go by, and I still haven't made a final decision. But my IUI Christmas Holiday Spectacular is getting closer, and I wanted to order my samples in advance. Then I had a detour. My cousin was traveling with work and stopping off in HK. We'd planned a weekend trip to Beijing together. I had to work for a few hours before heading to the airport, so she met me at work (the kids were anxious to see her. she was a somebody from New York that they were actually going to get to see again, unlike their school friends...), and we left to the airport from there. I was low on reading material, so I grabbed a couple of magazines from the coffee table at work to read on the flight. One would change the entire game for me...
Have you seen this Newsweek article on so-called "donorsexuals?" "Free Sperm Donors - and the women who want them"? It's a bit creepy. BUT reading about creepy guys who are willing to hook up with women to get them knocked up (not all the donations are "asexual" is all I'm saying) isn't what freaked me out. In the article, it highlights one donor in particular, and then tells of a website where donors and recipients can interface and make plans. Like a dating site almost. It's called the Free Sperm Donor Registry. For some reason, after reading this article, I had this odd, defenses-up feeling gnawing at me all weekend until I came home from Beijing.
I found the FSDR site and signed up. Then I started looking through files for potential donors. Somewhere around page 6 or 7, I had my apprehensions confirmed. Donor 3997, who has a limit to how many families he can create via The Bank, also goes by FSDR10103 (you have to be signed in to see his profile), and according to his stats page, he's fathered 8 children through donation. I'm not sure if his "AI", or artificial insemination, offspring includes donations to The Bank or not, but some of his offspring on the FSDR are the result of "NI" or natural insemination. That means he actually had sex with women that he met through FSDR. How can I be sure it was him, you ask? Well, he has a photo of himself as a young man posted with his profile and first name. And I recognized his face instantly from the childhood photos I'd ordered from The Bank! I was sick to my stomach.
On the FSDR, you can contact other users directly, so I got in touch and asked him flat out if he was the same donor I'd found at The Bank. He replied back asking how I knew he was at The Bank, and saying that he thought he was off their catalogue. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. It's entirely possible that he only donated at The Bank for a year and thought that several years later, his dealings there were done. But if he has 8 kids via donation (in any form), then how likely is it that he's been playing on both sides of the fence during some overlapping time period? I thought very likely. I didn't think he was being completely honest. So I messaged him back and told him how I'd gone through The Bank, and he was in my top two choices. I asked if he wouldn't mind telling me a bit more about himself. He never replied. Then, I thought to myself, The Bank is in Area X, and he's listed as still living in Area X on the FSDR. I googled other Banks in that area and started going through their donor catalogues. I found another profile that looked surprisingly similar at Rainbow Flag Health Services (Donor #46-201-421). No photo, but ethnicity, height, weight, and eye color all match up (hazel eyes are not that common).
So I guess that settles it for me, Bachelor #1 it is! I re-googled him and searched other Banks for similar profiles and found zip on that by the way. After what happened with Bachelor #3, I had to check! I called The Bank to place my pre-order. Then, after that was out of the way, I broached the subject of Donor 3997. I told her about the article I'd read and the FSDR. She said a registry is different from a sperm bank, and it probably just showed offspring. That it was unlikely that he was donating there. I elaborated and told her about his personal profile and that he listed himself as a donor willing to travel to meet the recipient for in-person inseminations. I actually heard her jaw hit the floor. I gave her all the info for where to look online. Then she asked if that was the only place I'd found him. I told her about Rainbow Flag as well. She asked if I wanted to be kept in the loop on follow-up with this. I said no because now that I know what I know, I won't be using him as a donor EVER, but that I felt obligated to share the information with The Bank because they have a strict policy on family limits. I mean, I'm looking at The Bank trying to wrap my head around the idea of 20 other families having a kid (or two or three) who are half-siblings to my own PFC's. The notion that he is out there spreading it around like Johnny-freakin'-Appleseed because he needs to see more little versions of himself running around in the world, and there could be hundreds of half-siblings out there if he's not stopped is completely abhorrent to me. Perturbed is not even the word...
Even more disturbing is that his profile still shows up in a search at The Bank. Currently very creeped out and embracing the divine intervention that put Bachelor #1 in my path in the first place.
Stay tuned...
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Really, Hong Kong? Really?
SO!!! Last time on Self Made Motherhood Blog:
I tried a second ICI over 4th of July weekend...and nothing came of it. AF showed up two days before I got on a plane to France to be with my work babies (and their extended Frenchy-Frenchy family) for a month before we all moved to Hong Kong. So I didn't really give myself time to process or grieve at all. And the reason why I might need to process or grieve was because The Bank does not deliver swimmers internationally, so if I'm going to have another chance to get knocked up at all (with The Bank that I really like that has the top 2 - 3 WTBK donors of color/mixed heritage that I really like), it won't be until I'm back in the US for my Christmas/New Year's holidays in December. So it's not like the first try where my attitude was very "Oh well, got my period...Let's get ready for the next cycle in two weeks!" I won't be able to even think about trying again until December, and since I'll be in Hong Kong for at least two years, it may be my last chance to try at all. If you read the previous blog, you know that when I finally got to France and went through my entire work day with the kids, after I'd finally gotten them to sleep, I went back to my room and had a very quiet, yet very ugly private cry.
So what's next? Well, I had the little aftermath breakdown in France. I woke up the next morning looking for a solution. There could actually be advantages to TTC in HK. For one, I refused to go at all unless they fully provided for my health insurance coverage there. They acquiesced, so my first thought was that I should research fertility treatments/clinics in Hong Kong. For my prospective next try in December, I already made up my mind to give up on ICI and move on to IUI. Due to the terms/conditions surrounding delivery of swimmers from The Bank, I'd have to have the IUI done in the US for sure, BUT I figured maybe if I could start fertility testing/treatments/services in HK and coordinate with a Boston area clinic, I'd be a step ahead of the game when it was finally time for the procedure itself. I found a few clinics/hospitals with fertility centres/specialists in HK that seemed really appealing, so I sent out e-mail contact inquiries about services and the possibility of coordination between an HK medical team and a Boston one. My first reply nearly knocked me off my chair:
It is unlawful for any doctor in Hong Kong to provide fertility/conception services/treatment to any unmarried person. Any doctor suspected of doing so could be investigated, prosecuted, fined, jailed and/or lose their license to practice medicine. Really, Hong Kong? Really? This ordinance has been on the books in HK for some time, but somewhere around 2007 doctors were actually starting to be prosecuted by the government, so there's nobody out there who'll hook me up and look the other way even. SUCKSVILLE!!! What now?!?
Here's what: so we know that I've decided to go with IUI (or possibly even FSP, but probably IUI) for my December cycle in the US. I started researching Boston fertility clinics. Several are very well-known with very good statistics and reviews from current/former clients. Of these, most also accept international clients, so their programs are set up to accommodate consultations and courses of treatment via e-mail correspondence and telephone for women coming in from abroad just to get pregnant. The biggest issue (I think, so far) is that I won't be insured in the Massachusetts or anywhere else in the US, so knowing the cost of every last detail and what I'll have to do to cover those costs out of pocket is paramount. So that's pretty encouraging...
Also, I'm currently forecasting December ovulation to be somewhere between December 15th - 20th. AND, it seems I may have three weeks off for vacation this winter instead of two. So I may have just enough time to do everything that needs to be done while I'm there. I have some consulting to do, but if I decide to do the hormone/trigger thing, I may be able to start the birth control (to regulate my cycle to a statistical 28 day one and know exatly when I'll get AF) while I'm still in HK. I mean, they won't help me get pregnant. Let's see if they'll prescribe something to very specifically keep me from getting pregnant.
So far, it could all be very promising.
I tried a second ICI over 4th of July weekend...and nothing came of it. AF showed up two days before I got on a plane to France to be with my work babies (and their extended Frenchy-Frenchy family) for a month before we all moved to Hong Kong. So I didn't really give myself time to process or grieve at all. And the reason why I might need to process or grieve was because The Bank does not deliver swimmers internationally, so if I'm going to have another chance to get knocked up at all (with The Bank that I really like that has the top 2 - 3 WTBK donors of color/mixed heritage that I really like), it won't be until I'm back in the US for my Christmas/New Year's holidays in December. So it's not like the first try where my attitude was very "Oh well, got my period...Let's get ready for the next cycle in two weeks!" I won't be able to even think about trying again until December, and since I'll be in Hong Kong for at least two years, it may be my last chance to try at all. If you read the previous blog, you know that when I finally got to France and went through my entire work day with the kids, after I'd finally gotten them to sleep, I went back to my room and had a very quiet, yet very ugly private cry.
So what's next? Well, I had the little aftermath breakdown in France. I woke up the next morning looking for a solution. There could actually be advantages to TTC in HK. For one, I refused to go at all unless they fully provided for my health insurance coverage there. They acquiesced, so my first thought was that I should research fertility treatments/clinics in Hong Kong. For my prospective next try in December, I already made up my mind to give up on ICI and move on to IUI. Due to the terms/conditions surrounding delivery of swimmers from The Bank, I'd have to have the IUI done in the US for sure, BUT I figured maybe if I could start fertility testing/treatments/services in HK and coordinate with a Boston area clinic, I'd be a step ahead of the game when it was finally time for the procedure itself. I found a few clinics/hospitals with fertility centres/specialists in HK that seemed really appealing, so I sent out e-mail contact inquiries about services and the possibility of coordination between an HK medical team and a Boston one. My first reply nearly knocked me off my chair:
It is unlawful for any doctor in Hong Kong to provide fertility/conception services/treatment to any unmarried person. Any doctor suspected of doing so could be investigated, prosecuted, fined, jailed and/or lose their license to practice medicine. Really, Hong Kong? Really? This ordinance has been on the books in HK for some time, but somewhere around 2007 doctors were actually starting to be prosecuted by the government, so there's nobody out there who'll hook me up and look the other way even. SUCKSVILLE!!! What now?!?
Here's what: so we know that I've decided to go with IUI (or possibly even FSP, but probably IUI) for my December cycle in the US. I started researching Boston fertility clinics. Several are very well-known with very good statistics and reviews from current/former clients. Of these, most also accept international clients, so their programs are set up to accommodate consultations and courses of treatment via e-mail correspondence and telephone for women coming in from abroad just to get pregnant. The biggest issue (I think, so far) is that I won't be insured in the Massachusetts or anywhere else in the US, so knowing the cost of every last detail and what I'll have to do to cover those costs out of pocket is paramount. So that's pretty encouraging...
Also, I'm currently forecasting December ovulation to be somewhere between December 15th - 20th. AND, it seems I may have three weeks off for vacation this winter instead of two. So I may have just enough time to do everything that needs to be done while I'm there. I have some consulting to do, but if I decide to do the hormone/trigger thing, I may be able to start the birth control (to regulate my cycle to a statistical 28 day one and know exatly when I'll get AF) while I'm still in HK. I mean, they won't help me get pregnant. Let's see if they'll prescribe something to very specifically keep me from getting pregnant.
So far, it could all be very promising.
Monday, July 18, 2011
So This Is The Aftermath...
So for those of you still interested, my flight to Paris was delayed by about an hour, so by the time we landed & taxied in, I had all of 47 minutes to go through Passport Control, get my luggage off the baggage claim (because I was flying on two different, unrelated airlines and apparently if flying from JFK to CDG on American Airlines, they will not check your bags through to your final destination if you are finishing your travels with Aire France), print out my boarding pass at a kiosk in another section of the airport, wait in the wrong line to get through security, get to the right line all the way on the other side of the terminal, get my bag checked onto the flight I needed to catch, and get myself through security and onto the plane. Caveats: my new luggage made it super easy to spot coming off the conveyor belt and its 360 degree wheels made it so much easier to run with it from one place to the next. Also, by the time I got to the correct line for checking my bag (and myself) onto my connecting flight, the guy running the line was bored of looking at foreigners and listening to the varying ways in which they butchered his native language, so it took me longer than it should have to make him understand that the flight I needed to catch had started boarding 10 minutes ago and waiting in that line was not gonna cut it. To his credit, once the fog of general French disdain lifted, he not only whisked me to the next open counter to check my bag, but he got on the phone with the ground crew (and had the guy at the next counter calling the flight crew) to make sure that both myself AND my bag would make it onto the plane before it tried taking off. I have this face I make (and I don't know what it is because I've never seen it. I just know it exists because once my face does this expression - whatever it is - I see a change in the person I'm talking to and they immediately want to do whatever they can to make me happy). I guess the face was working that day. To my own credit, when I need something from someone, I always instinctively smile and use please and thank you in nearly every sentence, and sometimes when there's just an awkward pause, I'll throw in an extra "thank you so much" for good measure. A lot of people have thankless jobs and I try to make it less so when they're trying to do me a solid. I was the absolute last person to sit down on the flight and we were literally in the air within ten minutes.
Frenchy-Frenchy Granddad picked me up at the airport on the other end and drove me out to his and his wife's summer condo on the beach in LaBaule where my work babies were awaiting my arrival. Their parents had departed on a train to Paris (and from there to Hong Kong) about an hour before my flight landed, so Frenchy Grandma was on her own with the two of them for a few hours. As Granddad and I were approaching the lobby door from the parking lot out in back of the condo, I could see my kids on the other side of the glass. Too much to be cooped up in the house any longer, Grandma was taking them for a walk. Once I opened the door, I was immediately tackled to the floor by my three-year-old big girl. And the two-year-old jumping up and down waiting for her turn and shouting, "*s, we're all together now! We're all together! I miss you so, so, so much, *s!" And this is why I love my job and I'm willing to duke it out with Frenchy Grandma every summer over the most banal of child-rearing differences, and also why I'm willing to uproot myself and my plans for babies of my own to follow these two (my eldest two babies) to the other side of the world for an indeterminate amount of time. I love these kids. And if I can't have kids of my own, the last thing I want to do is give up raising these two to be decent human beings. I've been with them since the big one was 3.5mos old. The younger one has never known anything different. In any situation where her mother is not present, I am her first choice (and even some situations where her mother is present). In talking with my friends or other nannies about work, I sometimes refer to her as My Baby Mama. She's their mother and there's no replacing her (regardless of what any nanny tells you, or how any overworked mother who doesn't get to spend enough time with her kids feels, there's no replacing a mother in a child's universe), but they are my babies. And for now, that will just have to do.
Anyhoo...Grandma took the kids out for a bit while I unpacked and decompressed a bit in my condo-adjacent studio. Then they came back from their walk and a good deal of the day was just business as usual. Lunch, nap, wake-up, find something to do, bath time, dinner, pre-bedtime routine, and finally bedtime. I stayed for another 30 minutes or so the make sure they were really asleep before retiring to my room for the evening.
I made myself a cup of tea, went to my room, sat down on the bed and just started crying. Through all the apartment moving drama, and relocation craziness, and boarding my cat at the kennel, and insanity trying to make my flight from Paris to Nantes, I had been on the brink of a breakdown for days. Maybe even weeks. Culminating in a Big Fat Negative on an HPT, getting my period, realizing I would be going to France and Hong Kong without a baby on board, and hoping things worked out in HK because if the universe doesn't push my dreams of motherhood into being, these two kids may be the only children I'll ever have. And every time I was on the verge of tears at any point in the weeks leading up to my arrival in France, I would just shake it off, blink the tears back, and remind myself that I had too much to do to sit around feeling sorry for myself and whining like an idiot. But now I'm here. In France. Mothering two children who aren't my children, in the home of their grandparents who are not my parents. Not pregnant, and not sure when or if I'll have another chance to even try again before biological timing makes it impossible. Wondering if I made the right choice both in taking the job offer to move to Hong Kong and in deciding to have a baby on my own in the first place. So, yeah, I cried. A lot. And it was not pretty. It was real, real ugly. By the end of it I felt a little empty and nauseous. I brushed my teeth, washed my face, wrapped my hair and fell into a deep sleep.
I awoke the next morning feeling kind of like sh*t and realizing that I'd even cried in my sleep a bit. I brushed my teeth, took a shower, and dressed. I sat down to my laptop, logged on to FertilityFriend, and started comparing my forecasted December cycle with my forecasted two-week Christmas holidays...could be promising.
Stay tuned...
Frenchy-Frenchy Granddad picked me up at the airport on the other end and drove me out to his and his wife's summer condo on the beach in LaBaule where my work babies were awaiting my arrival. Their parents had departed on a train to Paris (and from there to Hong Kong) about an hour before my flight landed, so Frenchy Grandma was on her own with the two of them for a few hours. As Granddad and I were approaching the lobby door from the parking lot out in back of the condo, I could see my kids on the other side of the glass. Too much to be cooped up in the house any longer, Grandma was taking them for a walk. Once I opened the door, I was immediately tackled to the floor by my three-year-old big girl. And the two-year-old jumping up and down waiting for her turn and shouting, "*s, we're all together now! We're all together! I miss you so, so, so much, *s!" And this is why I love my job and I'm willing to duke it out with Frenchy Grandma every summer over the most banal of child-rearing differences, and also why I'm willing to uproot myself and my plans for babies of my own to follow these two (my eldest two babies) to the other side of the world for an indeterminate amount of time. I love these kids. And if I can't have kids of my own, the last thing I want to do is give up raising these two to be decent human beings. I've been with them since the big one was 3.5mos old. The younger one has never known anything different. In any situation where her mother is not present, I am her first choice (and even some situations where her mother is present). In talking with my friends or other nannies about work, I sometimes refer to her as My Baby Mama. She's their mother and there's no replacing her (regardless of what any nanny tells you, or how any overworked mother who doesn't get to spend enough time with her kids feels, there's no replacing a mother in a child's universe), but they are my babies. And for now, that will just have to do.
Anyhoo...Grandma took the kids out for a bit while I unpacked and decompressed a bit in my condo-adjacent studio. Then they came back from their walk and a good deal of the day was just business as usual. Lunch, nap, wake-up, find something to do, bath time, dinner, pre-bedtime routine, and finally bedtime. I stayed for another 30 minutes or so the make sure they were really asleep before retiring to my room for the evening.
I made myself a cup of tea, went to my room, sat down on the bed and just started crying. Through all the apartment moving drama, and relocation craziness, and boarding my cat at the kennel, and insanity trying to make my flight from Paris to Nantes, I had been on the brink of a breakdown for days. Maybe even weeks. Culminating in a Big Fat Negative on an HPT, getting my period, realizing I would be going to France and Hong Kong without a baby on board, and hoping things worked out in HK because if the universe doesn't push my dreams of motherhood into being, these two kids may be the only children I'll ever have. And every time I was on the verge of tears at any point in the weeks leading up to my arrival in France, I would just shake it off, blink the tears back, and remind myself that I had too much to do to sit around feeling sorry for myself and whining like an idiot. But now I'm here. In France. Mothering two children who aren't my children, in the home of their grandparents who are not my parents. Not pregnant, and not sure when or if I'll have another chance to even try again before biological timing makes it impossible. Wondering if I made the right choice both in taking the job offer to move to Hong Kong and in deciding to have a baby on my own in the first place. So, yeah, I cried. A lot. And it was not pretty. It was real, real ugly. By the end of it I felt a little empty and nauseous. I brushed my teeth, washed my face, wrapped my hair and fell into a deep sleep.
I awoke the next morning feeling kind of like sh*t and realizing that I'd even cried in my sleep a bit. I brushed my teeth, took a shower, and dressed. I sat down to my laptop, logged on to FertilityFriend, and started comparing my forecasted December cycle with my forecasted two-week Christmas holidays...could be promising.
Stay tuned...
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Up, Up, and Away...
So Friday morning, I woke early and did my best at clearing and sorting and packing. The kennel only does admitting for boarding pets between 12pm - 5pm, so I didn't worry about getting P.Roy all bathed and clipped and ready to go until later in the afternoon. I'd pre-sprayed his carrier pad and his two cozy carrier blankets with this "No Stress" pet calming spray and let it all air out to dry. I'd given him two "herbal calming chews for cats" when I'd fed him earlier that afternoon. When it was finally time to go, he climbed into his travel carrier willingly and was a really good sport all the way to the kennel on 5th Ave. & E. 20th St. Roy gets car sick, without fail, every time I have to take him somewhere by car or bus that takes longer than 15 minutes. He did really well on this particular trip. I really do think the calming spray helped a lot. He kept himself low, laying down in the carrier instead of spazzing out and jumping all over the place, trying to get out like he usually would, with his head down and his nose buried in the calm-scented blankets. The driver had decided to take the Williamsburg Bridge into the city, which is the farthest one from my house, so at some point while we were crossing the bridge (about 20 minutes into the trip), Roy started meowing plaintively and licking his lips a lot. These are his signs that he's going to be sick. I was ready this time. He had an absorbent disposable pad lining the bottom of his carrier, and I opened the door and laid down a towel under his front paws and waited for it. He sicked up a pile of food and fluids (overshare?) and I folded up the towel carefully and put it aside on the floor of the taxi until we got to The Cat Practice. Poor baby. He was calm again after it happened, still laying down with his face buried in the blanket, but you could see his stomach heaving and his breathing going a mile a minute the whole time.
When I got him upstairs (after disembarking the taxi and shaking the puke towel into a garbage can on the street corner), I was informed by Sophia that to admit him for boarding, I was supposed to bring him in by 12pm! What?! I was positive the website said admitting was from 12 - 5pm! Nope. That's for Saturdays. Monday through Friday, it's 8am - 12pm...Dumbass!!! Fortunately, Sophia took pity on me and my kittie and let us in. In retrospect, my Saturday departure day was so insane, there is no way that I could have possibly brought Roy in and still gotten to the airport on time. Sophia, you angel!!! Of course in my push to get us out of the house, I'd left P.Roy's vaccination record/rabies certificate tacked to the cork board in the kitchen. Fortunately, my vet's office was able to fax them over right away. Phew! Another crisis averted. Finally, I was taken into the back of the practice to get Roy settled in and talk with one of the techs/nurses/assistants (not sure of her title) about his needs, likes, and my preferences. I gave him some last cuddles and kisses before putting him in his kennel cage (with his favorite purple Snuggie) and heading back to Brooklyn to make more vain attempts to get my sh*t together. I did shed a few tears then. I'd just found out I wasn't having a baby that I had prayed and wished for, and here I was putting my "baby" in a kennel for someone else to look after for a month while I jetted off to France to raise someone else's children. Let's just say it was an emotional low point for the day and leave it at that.
I got home and just managed to get some more things packed, and some more things sorted out for donation to Goodwill, before getting in the shower and heading out the door to meet my cousin at Mid-Town for Cirque du Soleil. I'd barely eaten a thing all day, and there was no time to stop and grab something before the show (you absolutely, positively, do not want to be late for a Cirque show). Fortunately, though everything at/near/under Rockefellar Center seems to close around 6pm when the office workers go home, Dunkin' Donuts was still lit up like Christmas tree in the underground, so I hit them up for a blueberry muffin and ate it out in front of the theatre while I waited for my cousin to materialize. What I didn't realize was that this was a show in preview. I mean, I did think it was peculiar that Cirque was at Radio City instead of in its own trademark blue and yellow tents on Governor's Island. I just didn't think it all the way through. The Music Hall was decorated from head to toe with Cirque props and lighting. And wandering about were various performers mingling with the throngs of people for photo opportunities, some of them mic'd and singing the entire time! It was like a faerie land! I was in heaven...When my cousin and I finally made it to our seats (front row center of the 1st mezzanine), we were both all giddy and excited. I hadn't realized that she'd never been to a Cirque show before! I love it when I'm the one to introduce someone to Cirque! I've been the gateway for my father, my brother & his wife & kids, my Auntie, and my other cousin (present company cousin's older sister who was like an older sister to me growing up)....and now this cousin, too! Score! They are all now officially addicted to the magic of these fabulous French Canadian productions.
The show that we saw was Zarkana. It was visually stunning. The music was beautiful (though since it's in previews, the soundtrack was not yet available for purchase. Hmmph!). Costumes, sumptuous enough to make me second-guess my calling as a child caregiver/stand-in mum and wonder if I should have followed my fashion school dream of costume designing and working for the Cirque...*sigh* And every time there was some teeny tiny wisp of a woman doing some impossibly complicated and/or dangerous acrobatic feat, all I could think of was one of my own baby cousins (who's not a baby anymore, btw, she's contemplating grad school at the moment) who grew up as a bit of a gymnastics prodigy, and wondering if she'd ever consider setting aside her psychologist aspirations and run away with the circus. It was a lovely night. However, I will say this: startling lack of contortionists. I mean, it's Cirque du Soleil for goodness sake! Come for the contortionists, stay for the jugglers....But you come for the contortionists! I hope they fix that before the show goes on tour.
All in all, it was beautiful as my last night in New York and I got to spend it with one of my favorite people in the universe. What makes her so special, you ask? Well, part of it is that her mother and my mother were the only two sisters in a brood of six children, and only two years apart in age. They were also both Black, unwed, teen first-time parents at the same time in the 70's. So, my older brother and her older sister are only 2 months apart in age and were raised essentially as twins before I came along four years later. Then this cousin came along four years after me and was the little sister I'd always longed for. Our mothers are very close and so the four of us were raised more like siblings than cousins. Add to that the fact that my mother in all her craziness had us uprooted and moving around so often that I often had to lie about my address to stay in the same good school system with the advanced academic programs, and not end up in the crap schools of some of the slum neighborhoods where we sometimes lived. I was the youngest in my house and deemed too young for my friends to be trusted with such a secret lest I be booted from school. So I was a loner. My two greatest loves, closest comrades, and most up-for-anything playmates were my fat orange tabby cat, and this self-same cousin four years my junior. She's special. She just is. And she reminds me of this by doing things like, kissing & hugging me goodbye after the Cirque show and promising to come to my apartment at 12pm to help me clear out so that I can both make it to the airport in time AND get my deposit back (which could never have happened if I'd left as much undone as was undone when I had to hit the road for JFK on Saturday). She's special.
Saturday morning, I had gone to the post office to mail off a couple of boxes to HK with things that didn't make it into the original shipping day convoy. Silly me, thinking this would be the same as when I'd shipped things from Los Angeles to my new place in Japan 9 years prior, thought I'd get out of this for $100 dollars or less. FAIL! The United States Post Office no longer offers a surface mail/sea mail option for overseas parcels. You can either send it Priority Mail or Express Mail. Priority is cheaper so I did that...$155 for one box. $246 for the other. Plus insurance. $402 dollars later, I emerged from the post office and called a taxi to go to my last massage appointment at Opal. I was exhausted from cleaning/sorting/packing/not sleeping and depressed and achy and emotional from 1) not being pregnant and 2) being on my period. I think my massage therapist (who'd seen me two weeks earlier just before I'd ICI'd) sensed my mood and no-good-news aura. She didn't ask and I didn't offer up any information. She just laid hands on me and made me forget the world for 70 minutes. And I love her for that. I tipped her, drank some water, and gave her big hugs goodbye. Then I rushed outside, called another taxi to take me home and tried to reassure my landlord that I would definitely, DEFINITELY be cleared out and the apartment cleaned by the end of the day. As I sat in the back of the cab home, I dialed a few numbers for Man-With-A-Van that I'd found on craigslist, and made arrangements for someone to come around 12:30pm to cart all my donatables over to the Goodwill on Fulton St. only a 5-minute drive away (but they don't pick up donations & the service where you can arrange for a pick-up doesn't seem to work very well since I could never get an actual person on the phone and no one returned my calls after having left several messages).
When my dearest, darlingest cousin arrived a little before 12pm, I nearly burst into tears I was so relieved not to be doing all this by myself. She just grabbed me by the shoulders and said, "What do you need to do to get yourself ready for the airport?" I told her. "Well, you do that, and I'll handle everything else...If I have questions, I'll just ask." ANGEL!!! By 1:15pm, I'd finally squeezed the last of anything squeezable into my three suitcases. I'd just recently bought a new set of luggage (something new and sturdy with 360 degree wheels that would be easily spotted at the airport in a sea of tasteful black suitcases), and I'd only planned to take the the mid-sized one to France. American Airlines only allows one checked bag for economy passengers on international flights, and it seemed stupid to pay for extra luggage going there when I'd just have to pay again to bring it all back. Besides, my work babies' granddad was the one picking me up from the airport on the other end and I had no desire to cause this poor man a cardiac incident for the two other bags full of things I'd only need for Hong Kong. So, my lovely friend ZsaZsa (not her real name, but it's what I've always called her) agreed to let me stash the largest and smallest of the set in the storage closet in her front hallway. ANGEL! By 1:20pm, my cousin was urging me to call the taxi. But there was still so much to do to get the apartment 100% cleared out! She didn't bat an eyelash. "Don't worry. I'll stay and finish up. GO!" So I spoke with the landlord and his brother, and got to okay to leave my cousin at the apartment with the keys and they agreed to turn over my deposit to her (which she then deposited into my account the following Monday - IN CASH, if you can believe it). My landlord is a big guy. Like, 5'10" maybe, and somewhere in the vicinity of 400lbs. It was hot as Hades that day and he and his brother were outside sorting and re-stacking all the junk my cousin and I were hauling out of my apartment. This gentle giant stopped what he was doing and gave me a great big bear hug (hot and sweaty as he was!), and wished me good luck and a good journey. Awwww...Then my cousin put me and my suitcases into a taxi over to ZsaZsa's and wrapped me up in the biggest bear hug her 90lb frame could muster (she's surprisingly strong....). Then, for the first time, I really did let a few tears go. Goodbye New York! Goodbye my life...It still doesn't seem real yet. I got to the first stop and hauled my heaviest bag up the stairs to ZsaZsa's 3rd floor apartment while she took the smallest & lightest. Hugs and kisses again. I raced back down to the waiting taxi and sped off to JFK.
I arrived in record time and, after kiosk check-in, boarding pass printing, and luggage check (my suitcase was exactly at the 50lb limit, by the way...Awesome!), I passed through security and found some inexpensive (by airport standards) and healthy food to eat (my first bite of anything besides water all day so far). I finished what I could (when I don't eat for a while, I feel really hungry, but I usually can't eat a whole lot) and took myself to the bathroom before boarding call for Flight 44 to Paris. I had more time than I'd anticipated actually. At the last minute, they changed the departing gate for the flight from Gate 35 to Gate 12 on the other side of the airport! Needless to say this delayed the flight by about an hour, so I had time to buy a newspaper, magazine, some chocolate (I need chocolate for airplanes worse than I need chocolate for movies), and a little FDNY playset as a surprise for the girls (I was really being hit hard with how much I'd missed them over the past two weeks). I had time to charge my phone and go to the bathroom again before we finally boarded the plane. Finally, I was in my window seat (me and Erykah Badu see eye-to-eye on that one) and watching all my anxieties getting smaller and smaller and disappearing to nothing but blue sky and clouds...*sigh* Sleep....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....
When I got him upstairs (after disembarking the taxi and shaking the puke towel into a garbage can on the street corner), I was informed by Sophia that to admit him for boarding, I was supposed to bring him in by 12pm! What?! I was positive the website said admitting was from 12 - 5pm! Nope. That's for Saturdays. Monday through Friday, it's 8am - 12pm...Dumbass!!! Fortunately, Sophia took pity on me and my kittie and let us in. In retrospect, my Saturday departure day was so insane, there is no way that I could have possibly brought Roy in and still gotten to the airport on time. Sophia, you angel!!! Of course in my push to get us out of the house, I'd left P.Roy's vaccination record/rabies certificate tacked to the cork board in the kitchen. Fortunately, my vet's office was able to fax them over right away. Phew! Another crisis averted. Finally, I was taken into the back of the practice to get Roy settled in and talk with one of the techs/nurses/assistants (not sure of her title) about his needs, likes, and my preferences. I gave him some last cuddles and kisses before putting him in his kennel cage (with his favorite purple Snuggie) and heading back to Brooklyn to make more vain attempts to get my sh*t together. I did shed a few tears then. I'd just found out I wasn't having a baby that I had prayed and wished for, and here I was putting my "baby" in a kennel for someone else to look after for a month while I jetted off to France to raise someone else's children. Let's just say it was an emotional low point for the day and leave it at that.
I got home and just managed to get some more things packed, and some more things sorted out for donation to Goodwill, before getting in the shower and heading out the door to meet my cousin at Mid-Town for Cirque du Soleil. I'd barely eaten a thing all day, and there was no time to stop and grab something before the show (you absolutely, positively, do not want to be late for a Cirque show). Fortunately, though everything at/near/under Rockefellar Center seems to close around 6pm when the office workers go home, Dunkin' Donuts was still lit up like Christmas tree in the underground, so I hit them up for a blueberry muffin and ate it out in front of the theatre while I waited for my cousin to materialize. What I didn't realize was that this was a show in preview. I mean, I did think it was peculiar that Cirque was at Radio City instead of in its own trademark blue and yellow tents on Governor's Island. I just didn't think it all the way through. The Music Hall was decorated from head to toe with Cirque props and lighting. And wandering about were various performers mingling with the throngs of people for photo opportunities, some of them mic'd and singing the entire time! It was like a faerie land! I was in heaven...When my cousin and I finally made it to our seats (front row center of the 1st mezzanine), we were both all giddy and excited. I hadn't realized that she'd never been to a Cirque show before! I love it when I'm the one to introduce someone to Cirque! I've been the gateway for my father, my brother & his wife & kids, my Auntie, and my other cousin (present company cousin's older sister who was like an older sister to me growing up)....and now this cousin, too! Score! They are all now officially addicted to the magic of these fabulous French Canadian productions.
The show that we saw was Zarkana. It was visually stunning. The music was beautiful (though since it's in previews, the soundtrack was not yet available for purchase. Hmmph!). Costumes, sumptuous enough to make me second-guess my calling as a child caregiver/stand-in mum and wonder if I should have followed my fashion school dream of costume designing and working for the Cirque...*sigh* And every time there was some teeny tiny wisp of a woman doing some impossibly complicated and/or dangerous acrobatic feat, all I could think of was one of my own baby cousins (who's not a baby anymore, btw, she's contemplating grad school at the moment) who grew up as a bit of a gymnastics prodigy, and wondering if she'd ever consider setting aside her psychologist aspirations and run away with the circus. It was a lovely night. However, I will say this: startling lack of contortionists. I mean, it's Cirque du Soleil for goodness sake! Come for the contortionists, stay for the jugglers....But you come for the contortionists! I hope they fix that before the show goes on tour.
All in all, it was beautiful as my last night in New York and I got to spend it with one of my favorite people in the universe. What makes her so special, you ask? Well, part of it is that her mother and my mother were the only two sisters in a brood of six children, and only two years apart in age. They were also both Black, unwed, teen first-time parents at the same time in the 70's. So, my older brother and her older sister are only 2 months apart in age and were raised essentially as twins before I came along four years later. Then this cousin came along four years after me and was the little sister I'd always longed for. Our mothers are very close and so the four of us were raised more like siblings than cousins. Add to that the fact that my mother in all her craziness had us uprooted and moving around so often that I often had to lie about my address to stay in the same good school system with the advanced academic programs, and not end up in the crap schools of some of the slum neighborhoods where we sometimes lived. I was the youngest in my house and deemed too young for my friends to be trusted with such a secret lest I be booted from school. So I was a loner. My two greatest loves, closest comrades, and most up-for-anything playmates were my fat orange tabby cat, and this self-same cousin four years my junior. She's special. She just is. And she reminds me of this by doing things like, kissing & hugging me goodbye after the Cirque show and promising to come to my apartment at 12pm to help me clear out so that I can both make it to the airport in time AND get my deposit back (which could never have happened if I'd left as much undone as was undone when I had to hit the road for JFK on Saturday). She's special.
Saturday morning, I had gone to the post office to mail off a couple of boxes to HK with things that didn't make it into the original shipping day convoy. Silly me, thinking this would be the same as when I'd shipped things from Los Angeles to my new place in Japan 9 years prior, thought I'd get out of this for $100 dollars or less. FAIL! The United States Post Office no longer offers a surface mail/sea mail option for overseas parcels. You can either send it Priority Mail or Express Mail. Priority is cheaper so I did that...$155 for one box. $246 for the other. Plus insurance. $402 dollars later, I emerged from the post office and called a taxi to go to my last massage appointment at Opal. I was exhausted from cleaning/sorting/packing/not sleeping and depressed and achy and emotional from 1) not being pregnant and 2) being on my period. I think my massage therapist (who'd seen me two weeks earlier just before I'd ICI'd) sensed my mood and no-good-news aura. She didn't ask and I didn't offer up any information. She just laid hands on me and made me forget the world for 70 minutes. And I love her for that. I tipped her, drank some water, and gave her big hugs goodbye. Then I rushed outside, called another taxi to take me home and tried to reassure my landlord that I would definitely, DEFINITELY be cleared out and the apartment cleaned by the end of the day. As I sat in the back of the cab home, I dialed a few numbers for Man-With-A-Van that I'd found on craigslist, and made arrangements for someone to come around 12:30pm to cart all my donatables over to the Goodwill on Fulton St. only a 5-minute drive away (but they don't pick up donations & the service where you can arrange for a pick-up doesn't seem to work very well since I could never get an actual person on the phone and no one returned my calls after having left several messages).
When my dearest, darlingest cousin arrived a little before 12pm, I nearly burst into tears I was so relieved not to be doing all this by myself. She just grabbed me by the shoulders and said, "What do you need to do to get yourself ready for the airport?" I told her. "Well, you do that, and I'll handle everything else...If I have questions, I'll just ask." ANGEL!!! By 1:15pm, I'd finally squeezed the last of anything squeezable into my three suitcases. I'd just recently bought a new set of luggage (something new and sturdy with 360 degree wheels that would be easily spotted at the airport in a sea of tasteful black suitcases), and I'd only planned to take the the mid-sized one to France. American Airlines only allows one checked bag for economy passengers on international flights, and it seemed stupid to pay for extra luggage going there when I'd just have to pay again to bring it all back. Besides, my work babies' granddad was the one picking me up from the airport on the other end and I had no desire to cause this poor man a cardiac incident for the two other bags full of things I'd only need for Hong Kong. So, my lovely friend ZsaZsa (not her real name, but it's what I've always called her) agreed to let me stash the largest and smallest of the set in the storage closet in her front hallway. ANGEL! By 1:20pm, my cousin was urging me to call the taxi. But there was still so much to do to get the apartment 100% cleared out! She didn't bat an eyelash. "Don't worry. I'll stay and finish up. GO!" So I spoke with the landlord and his brother, and got to okay to leave my cousin at the apartment with the keys and they agreed to turn over my deposit to her (which she then deposited into my account the following Monday - IN CASH, if you can believe it). My landlord is a big guy. Like, 5'10" maybe, and somewhere in the vicinity of 400lbs. It was hot as Hades that day and he and his brother were outside sorting and re-stacking all the junk my cousin and I were hauling out of my apartment. This gentle giant stopped what he was doing and gave me a great big bear hug (hot and sweaty as he was!), and wished me good luck and a good journey. Awwww...Then my cousin put me and my suitcases into a taxi over to ZsaZsa's and wrapped me up in the biggest bear hug her 90lb frame could muster (she's surprisingly strong....). Then, for the first time, I really did let a few tears go. Goodbye New York! Goodbye my life...It still doesn't seem real yet. I got to the first stop and hauled my heaviest bag up the stairs to ZsaZsa's 3rd floor apartment while she took the smallest & lightest. Hugs and kisses again. I raced back down to the waiting taxi and sped off to JFK.
I arrived in record time and, after kiosk check-in, boarding pass printing, and luggage check (my suitcase was exactly at the 50lb limit, by the way...Awesome!), I passed through security and found some inexpensive (by airport standards) and healthy food to eat (my first bite of anything besides water all day so far). I finished what I could (when I don't eat for a while, I feel really hungry, but I usually can't eat a whole lot) and took myself to the bathroom before boarding call for Flight 44 to Paris. I had more time than I'd anticipated actually. At the last minute, they changed the departing gate for the flight from Gate 35 to Gate 12 on the other side of the airport! Needless to say this delayed the flight by about an hour, so I had time to buy a newspaper, magazine, some chocolate (I need chocolate for airplanes worse than I need chocolate for movies), and a little FDNY playset as a surprise for the girls (I was really being hit hard with how much I'd missed them over the past two weeks). I had time to charge my phone and go to the bathroom again before we finally boarded the plane. Finally, I was in my window seat (me and Erykah Badu see eye-to-eye on that one) and watching all my anxieties getting smaller and smaller and disappearing to nothing but blue sky and clouds...*sigh* Sleep....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....
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