Today's theme is Listo (Resourcefulness), and the question:
How resourceful were you in 2011? What new ways could you incorporate resourcefulness into 2012?
They don't call me PlanB for nothin'! My friend Kenny nicknamed me PlanB because she says I'm "...so adaptable to change." I feel like that ties in to my resourcefulness for 2011. So many completely unexpected things happened (especially in the last six months), and every new challenge that came at me, I took a moment to freak out, then I centered myself and figured out what to do next. How to fix the situation and remove the obstacle, or how to make peace with the obstacle and find another solution...or even just to make peace with there being no solution to an obstacle and finding the strength in taking a different path and doing something completely different.
I planned to start inseminating in July, then I found out that my Bachelor #1 was in quarantine and not available until August. I freaked out. Then I made my peace with it and decided to wait until then. Then my bosses dropped the we're-moving-to-Hong Kong-and-we-want-you-to-come-with-us bombshell. Then they dropped the bombshell that they were moving in July/August. I took a moment to freak out. I got it together, and decided I wasn't ready to leave my work babies yet, and I love new adventures and I would go to Hong Kong...of course, this meant I had to start inseminating right away if I wanted to try to get knocked up before the move. So I had to make my peace with going with Bachelor #2 for my first ICI at home. It was hard to let go of the Me&Bachelor #1 babies I'd been picturing in my head, but through the process I found a sister-friend who was going through the same thing with the same donor. An ally. A sister warrior. And when I didn't get pregnant on that first round, I made peace with that and prepared myself for round two. Once again, the universe shifted. My new sister-friend alerted me that, through some strange miracle, Bachelor #1 was available and I was able to go for ICI at home number two with the donor I truly wanted.
When I didn't get pregnant the second time, I had to make my peace with the idea that I may have to put my baby making plans on the hold shelf for a year or two...until I felt like my work babies could do without me on a full-time basis and I felt okay with leaving Hong Kong. This took more than one freak out moment. It was not an easy peace to make. But I decided that my Potential Future Children did not outweigh the needs of the babies that I'd already put nearly four years into raising. Children are a blessing in life regardless of where they come from, how long they stay in your life, or even of whether or not they're completely your own. I wasn't about to let my two little blessings toddle out of my life before we were all ready to be parted.
I adjusted to a new home, a new way of life. A much smaller circle of friends and a much roomier social calendar. Then I decided that even though I may have to wait until I could be in the States again to try making babies, and even though that may be a long way off, I had to be ready to accept that blessing when it presented itself. I started charting again. And as things fell into place and I re-learned the rhythm of my body, I looked up ahead to realize that I would actually be in the States and ovulating at the same time...I might be able to have another shot at this motherhood thing.
When I started coordinating with a large hospital's fertility clinic, I found the entire process to be frustrating from the start. I felt very much like an unexamined statistic. A number. Then when someone finally got back to me on how much it would cost, I realized what numbers they were really looking at. To make a baby with these people was impossible. It was too expensive by a long shot. I am not a vagillionaire. This too required a moment to freak out. And then came the resourcefulness again. I started searching and found a midwifery practice that would help me do an IUI for a fraction of what the big hospital was charging, and the practice itself was more in line with my personal beliefs, and what I felt comfortable with on a practical, physical level. And they've been amazing and supportive every step of the way! But that is for another post.
Today I have to figure out how I'm going to incorporate resourcefulness into 2012. Everything depends on everything else. I know I'll continue to be resourceful, but how and in which directions depends on how my resourcefulness for 2011 develops. If I get pregnant this month, 2012 will find resourcefulness in how I manage to keep my job and juggle full-time parenthood with full-time nannying on the other side of the planet from where I had originally envisioned starting and raising my little family in Brooklyn. If I don't get pregnant this month, 2012 will find resourcefulness in my figuring out how/when/where to try again...resourcefulness in making peace with not being pregnant and appreciating the joy that can come from other places, both planned and unexpected.
Whatever happens next, I know that I'm as prepared for it as I can be and ready and open to accepting blessings and miracles in my life...even if accepting new blessings means letting go and knowing that the universe will cushion my fall in some new and unexpected way.
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