The Verdict

I wrote this in my little notebook on the flight from Chicago to Hong Kong December 29th-30th.

(SPOILER ALERT) I'm Not Pregnant.

I have peed on something every morning for the past seven days (and sometimes again at night just to be sure it wasn't sneaking up on me), including this morning at 5:30am. Nothing. But I hadn't gotten my period either, so I continued to be optimistic. When I changed planes in Chicago, I sat in a sunny spot and rested for about 30 minutes or so. Then a spot next to an outlet opened up, so I left the sunshine to amuse myself with a movie on my computer (Inception - which is ironic because, in retrospect, right now I wish someone would sneak into my subconscious and trick me into thinking that I don't want to have children. It would make my life so much less complicated). My flight was supposed to start boarding at 12:30pm, so around 12pm, I turned off the movie and went off in search of a bathroom and to forage for food in the terminal. The Boston > Chicago flight was only a couple of hours, so no meal service. And it may be a few hours still before meal service on the Chicago > Hong Kong flight. My stomach was rumbling.

So, first step: Bathroom. For a moment, I contemplated peeing on something again. But it hadn't even been twelve hours since the first one this morning. Not that it mattered. When I finished up and wiped, there it was. A few little brownish spots. I had a very brief, well-contained cry. Not more than a few tears really. Not an ugly cry. I pulled myself together and flashed back over some of the charts I'd looked at the day before on FertilityFriend. In a lot, there were one or more EPT-'s before getting a +. And in a few, there was spotting for one or two days before the +. I decided that I didn't want to get on a 15+ hour flight as a weepy basket case, even if it meant giving myself false hope. However hopeful I am at any time, I'm also a pragmatist. I put in a tampon. I wasn't really having cramps, I reasoned to myself. If it was really my period, I'd be nearly doubled over from pain already (for which the pragmatist in me had also packed plenty of ibuprofen). So, I made the decision not to take anything, see how I felt, and remain hopeful.

Well, around 8pm-ish (Central Time. No idea what time it was in whatever time-space the plane was inhabiting), I noticed that people were sort of bedding down, and I should take advantage of my aisle-side neighbor's state of consciousness to take a bathroom trip to check the tampon and see if it was anything more than spotting. I'd stealthily managed to slip a super-sensitive 10miu/ml EPT test strip into my back pocket - just in case.

The anticipation of going to the bathroom almost always makes me have to go even more. I'm that person who's fine all the way home, but has to do a little dance while turning my key in the lock once I've gotten to my front door. It's almost Pavlovian.

So, I decided to pee first and check the tampon second. Luckily, this particular airplane bathroom was well-stocked with little dixie cups just perfect for peeing in for those so inclined as I was just then. So, I did. I dipped the test strip in for five seconds then set it to rest on top of the packet it had come in.

Then I checked the tampon. This was not spotting. This was my period. And the test was not ambiguously negative. It was absolute as it had been the preceding eight times I'd tested. I had another brief on-the-brink moment in another public bathroom. This time, I didn't let any tears fall. I dabbed at whatever collected in the corners of my eyes. I washed my hands, straightened myself up, and left the bathroom. I stood in the emergency exit aisle for a few minutes, stretching. Then I returned to my seat and started writing this in my notebook.

Third try at baby making. First IUI. Last try for God only knows how long. I keep thinking of my sister-friend. I wonder how she could have found the strength to have done this ten times. She's a warrior. I'm out of the game, not entirely by choice, at strike number three, and all I want to do is trash that stupid little bathroom like a rock star. I want to kick down doors and throw things and shout loud enough for whoever's on the ground below to hear me. I did everything I could think to do to stack the odds in my favor. Why didn't it work? There's no answer. Maybe it's the wrong question. All of me cries for my sister-friend (on the inside. on the outside, i'm on an airplane and i'm not gonna freak out. i'm not gonna freak out. i'm not gonna freak out...). All of me cries for her ten times of high hopes and dashed hopes. But part of me is envious, too. She has a job with benefits that will likely fund the majority of her next step. IVF. It's a medical issue, so inconvenient as it may be, she could probably get the time off from work for the numerous appointments. And her insurance probably won't cover the sperm itself, but the procedures, and testing, and everything else should be covered. I mean, so far she's been doing all this out of pocket, like me. But after more than a year of very well-documented "trying to conceive unsuccessfully", surely she qualifies for coverage for whatever comes next. I'm envious and it hurts. And it sucks. And I feel like a jerk because I know she doesn't want to have to go that route. None of us do.

But the way I feel right now...I want to go right from this feeling straight to IVF. Quit fucking around. Let's just put a baby in there already! IUI is so hit or miss. Maybe nothing happened. Maybe something did fertilize and it just didn't stick. Maybe, despite all my temperature tracking, and OPK'ing, and mucous checking, the timing was just all wrong somehow. It's almost impossible to even think it. How could so many things have lined up perfectly for this to happen, and then it just doesn't?

And here I am. At 45,000ft. Scribbling in a notebook and trying not to cry. Listening to Adele. Which helps but doesn't help. Music has always been the purest, most expressive thing to me. I never feel closer to God than when I'm at a really amazing live show. And Adele has one of those voices that's just so true. Even when she throws a note, it's a perfect throw. And her writing is so succinct. I know I've digressed, but it's coming around. I promise.

I hear her words in my ears. In my head. In my heart. "If this ain't love, then what is? I'm willing to take the risk." "I know it ain't easy giving up your heart. Nobody's perfect. Trust me, I've earned it." If I'd ever really been in love in my life, I'd probably also have already been knocked up by now. I love the idea of love, but I don't fall in love easily. I'm too practical for love, I often think. I love big, but I don't fall in love.

This is the biggest I've ever loved. This is the whole and heart and soul of me. This is my one great thing. This is the reason I breathe. What my heart beats for. Everything all those songs are all about. I've finally fallen in love and it's with someone I've completely imagined. Someone made up. Only not quite made up because I haven't made...anything. I've finally fallen in love and all I can chalk it up to is the tired cliché of it just being bad timing. I've found someone to spend my life with and it's someone I've never met because my body won't let me. This is what it feels like to have my heart broken.

And I think I'm sitting on my phone, or it's lost under my sweater or the blanket or something, so I can't turn it off and Adele keeps singing. "Next time I'll be braver. I'll be my own saviour when the thunder calls for me. Next time I'll be braver. I'll be my own saviour. Standing on my own two feet." "I often think about where I went wrong. The more I do, the less I know..." Why is that so right right now? I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to do next. But something has to come next. Even if my next step is to do nothing. I just need time to calm down and figure it out.

December 17th - Bhakti (Devotion)

Retroactive Post Day 17
Theme: Bhakti - Devotion
Question: What did you devote yourself to in 2011? How will you devote yourself in the coming year?

This past year was devoted to two things. The first being my quest to become a mother. I was working hard to read everything I could get my hands on to guide me on the best ways to go about it, the best and healthiest way to treat my body and mind to get me in the right place physically and mentally to be pregnant and be a mother. I've read just about every book and watched just about every film/documentary on pregnancy and childbirth. I've taken the vitamins. I've done my best to stay hydrated. I've charted my cycle and connected with others on the same path for support through the process. I've poured so much money into just the technical, practical aspects of getting pregnant the not-so-old-fashioned way, it's amazed me and made me see how good I can be at saving money when there's an end goal. Seriously, the amount of money I've put into the baby game so far in such a short amount of time (about $5,784 in less than six months, not even counting my tiny nest-building efforts with my little cloth diaper stash and whatnot, vitamins, acupuncture appointments, and massage therapy sessions), it's got me wondering what's taking me so long to pay off my credit cards. It's definitely a think moment.

The other thing I've devoted myself to this past year are my babies that are not my babies. The two children that I look after in my capacity as a nanny. I've been working with the family for nearly four years. Since the Big Girl was 4 mos old, and 18 mos later, the Little One as well. I love them like they are my own. When I visit for Christmas, my family asks me how the girls are. So devoted am I to my work babies that I agreed to move to Hong Kong semi-indefinitely so that we wouldn't have to be so abruptly separated (I got the news that the family was moving to HK in mid-May, and in three short months here we all were). The children have only ever known life with three adults in their immediate family. In some sense, I'm actually the most stable presence of the three at times because while Mummy and Daddy travel for work, *S is always there. Even when Mummy and Daddy aren't traveling, they are working full-time and I'm there for most of the children's waking hours during the week. I couldn't bear the thought of them going to a new home in a new country with a new language and culture, and having to adjust to a new caregiver as well. I also couldn't bear the thought of waking up in the morning to go to a job that wasn't spending all day with them.

The things I plan to devote myself to in the coming year are pretty much the same. Hopefully, I'm pregnant right now and it's just too early to confirm. So I plan to devote the coming year to nurturing my body and the tiny human (hopefully) growing inside, and having the best birth possible to usher a new little life into the world. If it turns out that I'm not pregnant this cycle, then 2012 will be devoted to keeping my mind and body fit and ready for when the opportunity presents itself again. And shoring up my finances to get me to an even better place financially for raising a child (or hopefully children). I also plan to make this a great year for my work babies. Help them learn and grow more every day into ever more curious, questioning, interested and interesting, kind human beings.

The other goal for the coming year is to possibly start some kind of business of my own. Currently, I'm thinking it will be something involving babies and toddlers. Most likely starting with cloth diapers and organic/sustainable infant clothing and accessories. And see where things go from there. Just something that can start small and stay small until I'm ready to grow it bigger. So, Happy New Year to all...it's coming soon. I'm excited to see what it brings.

A Confluence of Events Part Trois: IUI 1.2

So, when last we spoke, our heroine was gearing up for IUI Day 2.

I got up early to get ready. When I called in to AICGB at 8:30am, I got the weekend answering service. Following the instructions in my welcome packet, I asked them to page the midwife on-call so that I could schedule an IUI for today. The woman on the other end of the line took my number and said the midwife would call me back soon. And she did. While I was brushing my teeth. Her name was Laura and she asked me if I could come in at 10:30am. I said yes. I finished getting myself together and asked Auntie if she'd give me a ride to Wonderland Station. She was eating breakfast, so I made myself some oatmeal with flax and raisins and put it in a container to go. I also packed a baggy with some almonds and cashews and more raisins in case I got hungry between the IUI and getting out to the alternate acupuncture office in Brookline. Which reminded me...I called Karin to let her know what time my appointment was, and made plans to meet her in Brookline at 1pm.

By this time, I knew a ride to Wonderland probably wouldn't cut it. I asked Auntie if she'd mind dropping me closer in/further along on my trek. She took me to the Red Line at South Station. How I love Auntie so! With the extra-transportational push, I was able to get to AICGB by 10:50am. It might have been sooner if I hadn't just missed the bus coming out of Porter St. Station. The next one took forever to come. I called Laura en route, but she didn't pick up, so I left a message.

When I arrived, Laura was there to greet me...and so was Margi!!! Margi, without whom none of this would have been possible. She fielded all my e-mails and answered all of my questions and really made everything fall into place. It was like old home week. Hugs ensued. I may have mentioned my tendency to erode people's boundaries. I'm a hugger. If I like you, you're probably gonna get hugged. Deal with it. Margi had actually come in just to meet me face-to-face and wish me luck. How sweet is that?! After she left, Laura showed me into the exam room and closed the door. I undressed from the waist down (except for my purple fuzzy socks), got up on the exam table, and draped myself with a clean white sheet. I reached over and pulled the chair with my things on it closer, and dug into my bag for my phone - which is really more of an mp3 player on which I send and receive texts and occasionally place calls.

Laura came in and I scoot-scoot-scooted to the edge of the table, trying to relax. I'm not sure if it was me or Laura, but the speculum definitely required more breathe-through on my part this time around. I asked how things were looking. She said, "Good! Like you're ovulating..." The catheter pinched as it went through. It hadn't before. I turned on Adele and worked on relaxing all the muscles in my body, starting with my girl parts. As before, the IUI was over in an instant. Laura suggested something new. Instead of the lay-back-with-a-pillow-under-my-bottom, she had me completely rotate myself on the table so that my bottom was on the elevated incline part, and my head was resting on a pillow on the pull-out extension part. It felt odd, but anything for the cause! I lay there, once again, quietly singing Adele to myself, and my eggs, and the swimmers, and hopefully my future baby for thirty minutes. It's not easy to quietly hold notes in your smallest voice when you're upside down.

Got dressed. Thanked Laura effusively. On to the next step. Acupuncture with Karin. I hadn't been to the Brookline office before. Actually, I can't definitively say I'd ever been to Brookline at all before. I just followed the directions I'd gotten from the MBTA travel planner. Bus to Harvard Station. Then another bus from somewhere in that neighborhood that would take me directly there. First problem, the first bus took forever to come. Second problem, when I got off at Harvard Station, I had no idea where I was. I found the bus stop at last. Oops. No I didn't. I was on the wrong side. After making my way to the right side, the bus actually came pretty quickly. And soon we were on Harvard Street, so I just kept an eye out for the address. 318. We passed it by a block, so I got off and walked back. Didn't look particularly office-like. But my massage place in Brooklyn is the ground floor of a residential brownstone with a modest little shingle out front, so I figured it was just more low-key than the other location. Rang the bell and an unkempt, but very polite college guy came to the door looking as confused as I felt. I said I'd come to see Karin (maybe she worked out of her home on weekends???). He said it was just him and three other guys living there, and before they moved in it was also a bunch of guys, so he didn't really know what to tell me...I confirmed the address. And therein lies the rub...I was at 318 WEST Harvard Street. It was freezing outside, so I walked down the block to a library I'd seen and stepped inside the foyer. I called Karin. I was tired and cold and now lost. I thought I'd call it quits and just go back home the way I'd come. There was no way I was gonna get to her in time. She (much like Laura and Margi) had come in especially for me that day, so now I felt like a total ass. She asked me where I was exactly, and said she'd call me right back. After what I assume was some astute internetting, she figured out that the bus I was on probably did stop at her office if I'd have stayed on. I told her the buses were coming pretty frequently (i.e. I'd just seen one go by as I answered her call, so I figured they were coming about every 10 mins or so). I'd hop back on the bus and head her way, unless I could snag a cab (which I didn't think likely in this neighborhood). But just as I was crossing the street to the bus stop, a cab came down the street and I flagged him down. There was a lot of traffic on Harvard Street once we finally got there, but we got there and that's the main point.

I paid him and thanked him for picking me up and hurried upstairs to meet Karin. I rather like the Brookline office. It's in a "wellness studio" that also has yoga, pilates, and other stuff. But today it was just Karin and me. I apologized for being late (I think. I hope I did...It seems like the sort of thing I would do in that situation). She was super nice about it. After a quick trip to the bathroom, I was ready to surrender myself to a rigorous poke-a-thon of relaxticity. Yes, I made up both of those words. She also did some moxibustion, which I'd never had done before. Good stuff. Overall, I think it was a really good session. She knew I was heading for New York the next day, but we planned another session for the day after I got back. I paid. Said goodbye. Hugged. And off home back to Autie's...this time via the Green Line which was just down the block and so much quicker than the bus.

And now, we wait...

Stay tuned...

Reverb December 16th - Viaje (Trip)

Retroactive Reverb post number 16.
Theme: Viaje - Trip
Question: Where did you travel this year? What was your best trip?

The quick answer would be Hong Kong...But it wasn't/isn't my best trip. Not this year, and not in comparison with any year past. I came to Hong Kong for work and it's a good thing because I love my job. It's one of the only things I like about living in Hong Kong.

Other places I've traveled this year were both in France. In March I went to LaRochelle for work with the children. In July, just before we moved to HK, I went to LaBaule as I do every summer, also for work with the children.

Is it strange to say that my best trip this year was/is my current trip to Boston/NYC from HK for my Christmas vacation? There were so many things I wanted/prayed/hoped/needed to happen during this trip, and somehow the universe moved and bent to help it all happen. I only have two weeks of winter vacation. I only have two weeks in the US before returning to my new home in HK. I want to get knocked up, but 1) my sperm bank doesn't deliver internationally; and 2) i cannot undergo insemination in HK because reproductive/fertility/conception assistance is, by law, reserved for married couples in HK. So if I was going to have any chance to get pregnant before this year is out, I would need to ovulate at some point within these two very specific weeks...but not so early on in the two weeks that I wouldn't have the time to meet with my baby-making team at AICGB first. Some way, somehow, all of those things fell into place and now I'm in the the last part of the infamous Two-Week-Wait until I find out if my attempts will bear fruit. This has been my best trip all year! I hope that the IUI did it's thing and I can look back on this trip a few months from now and still see it that way...

A Confluence of Events Part Deux: IUI 1.0

Last time on Self-Made Motherhood Blog:

Our heroine had just landed in Boston from Hong Kong and straightened out some paperwork issues with her HK girly-business clinic.

The very next morning, I got up bright and early, put together some oatmeal to go, and headed out the door to my first meeting with my baby-making team at AICGB. It almost goes without saying that I underestimated the time it would take me to walk to Wonderland Station from my Auntie's house, and was a little on the late-ish side and getting nervous by the time I actually did get there. I went through the station, got a 7-day Charlie Card, and walked back out the other side of the station to find (through some miracle) a taxi waiting outside. I gave him the address and whatever cross streets I could glean from what was meant to be my public transportation directions printed out from the MBTA website. He flipped through a map book, pulled out a magnifying glass, and away we went!

I got to the appointment with a few minutes to spare. As soon as I walked in and gave my name to the woman behind the glass partition, voices were raised and heads were turned in my direction. Apparently, through my correspondence with the staff, I had become a pretty big deal. I filled out a little more paperwork and gave her the paperwork she'd sent to me in Hong Kong that I'd already filled out. After not too long of a wait, I was called in for my consult with Amanda, one of the CNM's on staff. Just as we were going through my medical records to piece together which tests on their long list of prerequisites I'd already had done elsewhere, Jeannie the Nurse popped in to hand over (da da da-DAAAA!) my long-awaited records from Planned Parenthood! SCORE! So in the long list of things to test for, I had everything covered except for Hep C, Varicella, Rubella, CMV, and blood type. After some consulting and question-and-answering (and a blood draw for the remaining tests), I was on my way out the door. Armed with an info packet and some unnecessary local sperm bank info, I marched out into the cold to forage for food in the neighborhood for an hour or so. AICGB has an acupuncture therapist on staff, but she's only there on Wednesdays in the afternoon. Luckily this happened to be a Wednesday, so I'd made a 2pm appointment with her already. Grabbed some Thai food, read some magazines, and headed back up the block for my first Stateside acu-treatment. Pat (the acu-lady) was awesome. Very sweet and chatty. The session went really well (I think) and I thoroughly enjoyed her Chinese relaxation music selection. After all was done, I headed for the bus stop to go home to Auntie's.

Now their policy on IUI scheduling goes like this: when you get your OPK+, you call in to the office between the hours of 8:30am - 9am. If you get your OPK+ after 9am, then you call the next day between the hours of 8:30am - 9am. It was CD10, so I knew that I'd get a + on CD11, but not until later in the day. CD11 came, and I was right. My first OPK+ came on CD11 at 2:20pm. I made plans to get to bed early-ish (well, earlier than usual anyway), so I would be already ready to do another OPK before I called in to the office to schedule on CD12. Then I came up with another plan. What if I could get in for a later-in-the-day IUI appointment and do an acupuncture appointment first? So I hit research mode and through numerous pointings and clickings and follow-up phone calls, I found On Point Acupuncture's lovely and amazing Karin Kramer. I explained my situation to her (going in for an IUI tomorrow. not necessarily infertile, just single and ready for babies to happen. need some acu-mojo to get blood flowing to my girl parts, relax, etc.). I made an appointment with her for 9am the next morning at her office on Milk St. in the financial district (she practices out of a few different places depending on the day of the week). I figured I could call in to AICGB at 8:30am, take the 9am acu-appointment, and then make my lazy way over to AICGB. Easy peasy!

Well, the next day came: CD12. I got up early and got ready. Packed up my things and took the Blue Line from Wonderland to State Street, just a short walk from the acu-place. I got off the train at State at about 8:26am, so I tried calling then, but only got the voicemail. Waited a couple of minutes. Called again. Voicemail. Waited another few minutes. Called again. Bingo! Told them I needed to schedule my IUI for today. Got my OPK+ yesterday. She put me on hold for a moment and when she came back on the line she said, "10:15am" I tried a very weak protest, saying I was hoping for an afternoon appointment, but she said the CNM doing inseminations that day was only there in the morning and if I wanted to get my IUI today then 10:15am was the only slot available for me. I said I'd be there. Now it was 8:35am. AICGB is still about an hour or so away from where I was just then. So I walked down to Karin's Milk St. office. I tried calling on my way there, but she didn't pick up, so I left a voicemail and kept on. When I got there, I explained the situation. 10:15am IUI, so no time for acu-anything beforehand. Very sorry for inconveniencing you, blah, blah, blah. She assured me that it was fine and not to worry about it. She said I should come back after the IUI and she'd do some work then. I thanked her and hurried off to South Station to catch the Red Line out to Harvard Station. By the way, not that you were wondering or anything, but Karin is just a lovely, lovely person and I liked her the minute I saw her face. I am terribly superficial, but you should also know that my first impressions are never, ever wrong.

So, Red Line to Harvard Station and then bus from there down Mass Ave. within a couple of blocks of AICGB. Got there with ten minutes to spare even...not bad. Said hello to the ladies in the front, and was shown back to an exam room where I left my stuff and then went to quickly use the bathroom. Full bladder's just not a good idea when someone's about to be all up in your girl space. The CNM doing my insemination on this very lovely, but very cold Friday CD12 was Megan. I generally hate speculums on any occasion and I was a bit worried that my natural tension at this particular occasion would make, uh-hem..., everything more tense. But Megan was great, and the speculum wasn't so bad. Since it was only CD12, I was also worried that it might be difficult getting the catheter in for the IUI, but when I asked ,"How are things lookin' down there today?", Megan said my cervix looked really good. Very open and lots of CM. YAY! So anyway, it was all over so quickly, I barely had time to process. Afterward, I lay back on the table with my butt on a pillow for thirty minutes listening to Adele's latest album on my headphones and quietly singing along.

As I was leaving the offices, I rang over to Karin to see if she'd be available around 12:30pm-ish. Yes. Took the trek over there. Went over some preliminary paperwork with Karin, and she asked me a gazillion questions about my life, my habits, diet, etc (the only frustrating thing about this whole trip has been continually meeting medical professionals for the first time and all of the extra paperwork and self-explanation that entails). We started with the session. It was really good, but a bit intense. I asked if I could come and see her again the next day after the second IUI. She was surprised that I was doing two (a lot of people have been actually). We agreed that I'd call her in the morning after I'd scheduled the IUI with the midwife, so I'd have a better idea of what time I could get to her. I went home, ate, and had a long nap.

One down, one to go!

Stay tuned...

Reverb December 15th - Acharya (Scholar)

Retroactive post day 15.
Topic: Acharya - Scholar
Question: What did you study this year? What did you learn? What did you teach?

I'm always studying something or other. Languages. Sciences. People. Myself. It's a big world, you know? There's always something new to learn. Actually, as far as languages, I've been completely uninterested this year. Which is not only atypical, but also counterintuitive since I've relocated to a new country. That being said, its so easy to get by in English in Hong Kong that I really haven't made the time to study Cantonese or Mandarin. I'm sure I'll get around to it sooner or later. Or make a plan to travel somewhere else, and learn a bit of that language instead. That actually seems more likely...*sigh*

In the course of my baby-making journey, I've studied my self. My body. It's intricacies and subtle signs and shifts. Seriously, I never knew so much about my own physical inner workings until I started trying to get a baby all up in this piece. I've also come into contact with others on the same journey. And learned so much about their inner workings, too. I've studied my cycle just shy of obsessively. The thing that keeps it from being an obsession is that my cycles are unbelievably regular and don't require much attention to keep track of. If my cycle was more in flux, I'm sure it's the only thing I would have anything at all to think about at any given time. I've not so much learned as been reminded that other people have boundaries. At a recent acupuncture appointment, I mentioned something about my cycle, my moods and habits, in detail, but in a very off-handed way. Then when I saw her reaction (maybe her other clients are less forthcoming? I don't know), I said, "Sorry, was that overshare? I sometimes forget that other people have boundaries." She assured me that it was fine. Good, even. It's best for her to know as much as possible to know how to proceed.

I've also learned that I'm good at eroding other people's boundaries. But I think I may have known that all along.

Maybe what I've learned most in the past year is that boundaries are arbitrary and the lines are often blurred.

What have I taught? As far as baby making goes, I hope I've taught some people that there's more than one way to make a family. That there's nothing wrong with being a woman who wants a baby, but not necessarily a husband. Or that there's nothing wrong with not wanting either one if that's how you're put together. I hope, and think i have inspired some other women in my same position to see their baby-making ability as not intrinsically linked to marriage or a romantic relationship. to trust in the universe that if you really want your baby now, then when the right person for you comes along, you'll know it for sure because that person will love you and your child(ren).

On a more every day level, I hope I'm teaching the children in my care to be curious, thoughtful, kind human beings who can be adventurous without being reckless. Giving without being gullible. Proud of themselves without being down on others.

Reverb December 14th - Jnana (Self-Knowledge)

It's Christmas Day and yet somehow I still come to you from December 14th. Clever, no?

My retroactive, reflective post of the day is on the theme of Jnana, or Self-Knowledge.

Today's question: Name something you did that was completely out of character. How did it feel?

I don't know how to answer this one. I mean, in my personal person, in my character, in my core...I don't waver very much. Once my mind is made up, it stays made up until there is a reason to reconsider. And reconsideration, reevaluation...it's natural and normal. It doesn't feel out of character for me to change my mind, or my clothes, or my life. Even when the change seems drastic or sudden to someone on the outside looking in at me. Adapt or die, right?

So I can't think of anything I've done in the last year (or beyond that, even) that was "out of character". Every day of my life as far back as I can remember, I do what I have to do to survive, and once that's covered, I do what I have to do to be happy. I haven't always succeeded in the "happy". But as time went on, I realized that being "happy" was necessary in order to guarantee survival. Is it out of character for anyone to want to live in the world and find joy in it? I don't know how to answer this question...

A Confluence of Events

Last time on Self-made Motherhood Blog (last time that wasn't about Reverb anyway):

Our heroine was in Hong Kong frantically making international phone calls trying to get absolutely everything ready for baby making Stateside. Phone calls to Planned Parenthood on an every three days basis trying to get them to fax my pelvic exam and STI records over to the midwives at AICGB in Arlington. Them insisting that they'd already faxed it, that they think they already faxed it, and that even if they haven't already faxed it the woman authorized to access the records and fax it won't be in until Friday. It's just my one and only chance to get pregnant for the next one to two years or so. No pressure. Take your time.

Phone calls to AICGB to make sure that they received my records from Planned Parenthood (SPOILER ALERT: They didn't).

Internet ordering of OPK's and EPT's to be delivered to my Auntie's house (where I stay when I'm in the Boston area visiting family). Internet ordering of various other things that I can't get in HK so I'll be able to take it back with me when I return (hello Black hair products!!!).

General obsessing over my cycle and praying that the international time-zone jumping travel doesn't mess with things and make me ovulate too early (i.e. before I have my consult with the midwives and get cleared for insemination).

This obsessing didn't stop when I left for the airport in HK. Nooooo...I was sitting in the boarding area for my flight to Boston via New Jersey...on the phone with the clinic where I had my most recent pap done (thanks to a weird but very timely Groupon HK - it also came with LH, FSH, & Prolactin levels, a breast ultrasound, and a pelvic ultrasound. seriously.). I think the girl who answers the phones has really good English, but she's also used to fielding a very few specific questions that have a limited number of possible responses. I kept asking if she could fax the results (which came in a week earlier than I thought they would) over to my doctor. She kept insisting that I had to come in to the office to discuss the findings with the doctor (though she did stress that everything was normal. no reason for alarm). Finally, when I was just about to lose my mind, she said, "Or maybe I could fax?" I swear, I think she just didn't understand me when I'd said it before. Also, I think part of me coming in to the office is that I got such a good deal with the Groupon that they have to make their money back somehow. Namely come in to the office so we can charge you more money for a quick visit than you paid for your Groupon in the first place. Pass. Anyway, after some more Engrish phone hijinks, it was determined that she could not fax it to my doctor because it was a US number and she can only fax to HK. Whatever, I got on the plane and tried to not think about getting knocked up while soaking up 14.5 hours of in-flight movie and television choices. Mostly I succeeded. Once or twice I may have paused between films to meditate on not ovulating early and take a short nap. I tried very hard not to sleep too much so that it'd be easier for me to acclimate to the local time zone once I landed.

Fourth time this year that I've flown without the children. It was quite heavenly and if things work out the way I want them to, the last time that I'll fly without one or more children for a very, very long while.

Naturally, upon landing in Boston and being taken from the airport to my Auntie's house by my father (who is lovely but not in on the fact that I'm trying to get knocked up for Christmas), I entered the house, hugged my Auntie, set up my laptop and got an e-fax number with an HK country code and called the Groupon HK clinic back (it was night time in Boston, but midday in HK). My test results were faxed directly to my e-mail within five minutes. And then...blissful slumber.

Had to get up early for my first consult with the midwives the next morning.

More to come...

Reverb December 13th - Sabio (Wisdom)

Today I come to you, literally, on a journey to my past: I'm on a bus bound for Boston which is where I grew up (well, outside Boston, but you don't know where it is, so let's not quibble over semantics, okay?). I am also journeying from December 22nd (my today) to December 13th to post the Reverb of the day about wisdom through the subtle magic of the posting options menu....

So, as I said, today's theme is Sabia (Wisdom). Today's question:

What lesson or piece of wisdom did you learn from a child this year? Did it surprise you?

I'm a full-time nanny to two children I've been with since the older one was four months old. I learn new things from them every day. Most of what I learn is how to be patient and let them just be who they are without judging them or "teaching" them to be someone or something else. I think that's a hard one for a lot of parents with small children, or any adult with very young people in their lives. It's a surprise to adults how early children show us who they really are. Their preferences and proclivities. Good, bad, or indifferent. In a sense we can try to shape them, or lead them to a conclusion, but when they come up with something entirely out of your sphere entirely on their own, it can be a little bit of a shock.

The thing I love most is watching them manifest things that I've lived with them. Not necessarily lessons taught, but on a day-to-day, moment-to-moment basis there are so many teaching moments. Times when you teach simply by being. Being patient. Being kind. Being generous. Being curious. When they got tiny backpacks as a gift and instead of wearing them on their backs, they both immediately put them on their chests and squeezed a baby doll in between, mimicking how they were carried in the Ergo. Rocking and swaying, and singing to their babies to get them to sleep. Or when they see a baby crying and go over to sing the ABC's to him because that's what I do when they are upset. When the big girl comes home from school with two pieces of candy because the teacher was giving it out and she insisted on having an extra to share with her little sister. Then she gets off the school bus and shows me the candy and says, "Does one of these have nuts in it, or can my little sister have it and it's okay?"

I learn a LOT of things from children pretty much every day. And I don't know why, but I'm often surprised.

Reverb December 12th - Libro (Book)

Retroactive Post Alert! I have jumped into my time machine and gone back to Decmeber 12th to bring you this post! Behold!

Today's theme: Libro (Book)

What book did you read in 2011 that was most inspirational? Why?

This is a tough one for me. Not because I haven't read any good books, but because I've read so many good books that are not (by average standards) inspirational. I've even re-read some classics from my collection this year. Let me just name a few titles from my 2011 book list:

Robopocalypse
The Zombie Survival Guide (re-read)
World War Z (re-read)
Sarah's Key
The Time Traveler's Wife (re-read)
Northanger Abbey
Lies Chelsea Handler Told Me
Confessions of a Prairie Bitch: How I Survived Nellie Olsen and Learned to Love Being Hated
Child 44
The Complete Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy (re-read)
The New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy, & Birth
Boost Your Fertility
The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (re-read)


There are others, but I'm 8,000 miles away from my book shelf right now and I can't think of them off the top of my head.

Inspirational things I've taken from these books: From Robopocalypse, World War Z, and The Zombie Survival Guide: These books all basically speak to the indominability of the human spirt. Against seemingly insurmountable odds, in many cases odds that we have stacked against ourselves knowingly or unwittingly, humanity wins out in the end. The trick is to think quick on your feet and dedicate yourself to being on the winning side of history. The side that makes the most of what they have available and never gives up.

From The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, Child 44, Sarah's Key: There is nobility an honor in searching for and making known the truth. The truth about a time and place. The truth about someone else. The truth about ourselves. And regardless of what gets thrown at you, or what nays the naysayers are saying now, stay true to who you are and what you believe is right. Even if it seems like you're the only one who believes it.

The Time Traveler's Wife: Against all odds, true love conquers all. Note: Love is not always convenient, or easy, or even what you think it is or should be. But getting through the hard parts is what makes the less hard parts so worth it. *sigh*

Northanger Abbey: Even if you didn't quite get it right, at least try to do everything with the good intention of getting it right.

Confessions of a Prairie Bitch: Everyone is going to have their own special version of you in their heads. Only you know who you really are and what's important to you. A multitude of other people's perceptions can be dissipated and made irrelevant if you make the commitment to love yourself as you are.

The New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy, & Birth, and Boost Your Fertility: Eat lots of vegetables, hydrate, and try to get some rest. Stay positive. Fat babies can happen to you, too!

The Complete Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Don't Panic.

Reverb December 11th - Gracias (Thanks)

Retroactively posting. Again.

Today's theme: Gracias (Thanks)

Appreciation and acknowledgement are the corner stones to building trust and deepening relationships. Write a thank you note or a poem to someone who impacted your life in 2011.

In 2011, I found an ally and friend in a most unlikely place. We are separated by oceans of time and distance. But some days she is the only one who understands what I've been through on this journey of mine.

Dear Sister-Friend,

Thank you. Thank you for understanding and supporting me in my trials and tribulations, my highs, and my lows even as you weather your own. Thank you for the prayers and well wishes. Thank you for being in my corner. I love you and appreciate your presence in my life.

Reverb December 10th - Ananda (Joy)

Still catching up. Still posting retroactively.

Today's theme: Ananda (Joy). The question:

A positive frame of mind is a habit. How have you silenced the propaganda factory of negativity with positive thought and behavior in your life in 2011? How has this changed your day-to-day being?

I feel like a bit of a broken record, but since this is my TTC blog, I feel okay about having most, if not all, of these reflections coming back to my journey towards becoming a mum. When I announced to family and friends this time last year that I was planning to start making babies on my own, I knew there would be some detractors, or just some people in my life who may not agree on some level with my decision. I feel very blessed and happy to say that those individuals have been very few, and most of them have come around to see things from my perspective and now wish me well in my quest. But in the beginning, i really was battling propaganda. People weren't looking at me and my life and the decision that I'd made. They were looking at some sweepingly generalized idea of The Single Mother and what that meant to them in their own minds and hearts.

I had one friend whom I've always admired as a parent. Her sons are all amazing, giving, loving, strong, yet nurturing individuals. As a parent, I look up to her as a model for supporting your children's dreams and just supporting them in who they are/who they are growing to be as human beings. I first ran into her a few months after I made my announcement via e-mail blast. She was supportive of my decision, but had one caveat: How was I planning to support this child that I was trying to create on my own? I tried not to get defensive (and I hope that I wasn't when I responded), but inside I was a little offended. We all see each other's lives from the outside and, especially on a financial level, none of us really knows how the other is doing. Lots of people who appear to be doing well and living well are really living in the shadow of massive debt and the fear that it could all be gone in an instant. There are also lots of people who seem to get by on very little, but in reality have very rich lives because all of their basic needs are provided for and they are content to live lives built around the love of their families and friends, instead of being built around the material things that they want from the people in their lives. I was a bit taken aback, I suppose, by her question. I'm educated. I have a four-year degree from a prestigious college. I am erudite and loquacious. I am an educator and shaper of young minds on a daily basis. I have gone through hard financial times, but I have always pulled things together to make it work without compromising my beliefs or who I am. And let's face it, making babies this way is not cheap. You have to be pretty comfortable financially to even consider it as an option. Would we be asking this question at all if I were white? Is it some image of a Black single mother in her mind that she's trying to reconcile with her perception of me and the choice that I've made? Am I unwittingly battling the stereotype of the Ghetto Foodstamp Queen because I too am Black and (as things are now) will be raising my child(ren) without a partner? I don't know. Maybe. All of this flashed through my mind in an instant. In the next instant I was explaining to her that my position as a professional nanny actually fits perfectly with my quest for single motherhood. It's the only profession I can think of where it is not only socially acceptable, but perfectly feasible from a work-flow perspective for me to bring my baby to work with me. It makes financial sense because I don't have to pay for childcare. It makes emotional sense as well because, unlike the families that I've worked with over the years, neither I nor my baby will have to go through the separation anxiety that comes when a new mother must leave her child in someone else's care so that she can go back to work. If the family I'm working with now doesn't agree, then that's my cue to exit. There are other families who are very open to the idea. Especially mothers my age and older who think that they may only have the one child. It's comforting for them to know that even though their son/daughter is an only child, he/she can still be raised along side another child of a similar age. Have a built-in playmate. Not be that spoiled, bratty only child because he/she is being raised with another child and will learn to share earlier on, and potty train just that much sooner because the kids are working as a team as much as the adults are. This seemed to quiet her apprehensions and the clouds passed from her face. She congratulated me on my choice and we hugged and talked child rearing and pre-schools.

The other bit of propaganda I've had to battle was when everyone had settled down about the possibility of my becoming a single mother. The conversation does become financial (because having and raising kids is not cheap). People want to know how I'll afford diapers alone. They're so expensive, you go through a gazillion of them, and you really can't do without them. And people want to know about insurance and how I'll pay for hospital bills, etc. My brother and my best guy friend worried the most about this on my behalf (bless their hearts). After my youngest niece has turned 1 year old, he was still getting bills and filling out insurance claims for her birth at the hospital. Everyone is interested and supportive when I explain that I'll be cloth diapering and explain to them the basic principles of E.C. (elimination communication a.k.a. early pottying). And that since I made up my mind to try making babies, I've secretly been building up my diaper stash. I'm saving the fancy $20+ a piece diapers for my baby shower registry, but I have the basics in the sizes I'll need, and I'm not even pregnant yet.

When I go on to explain that I plan to have a home birth with a midwife, I got a megaton of propaganda thrown at me...oddly (in my mind) from two men who can never really go through the birthing experience first hand. I also explained my reasons for wanting a home birth. Then I went home and did some net searching to send my brother and my bestie info I'd amassed about midwifery and home birth statistics, books they should read, home birth videos from youtube, etc. I had bought 'The Business of Being Born" on dvd, and it came with a digital copy. I kept the digi-copy for my laptop and gave the dvd to my brother. The next time we spoke, he reminded me of why I love him so: He said he'd sat down to watch it with his two young daughters (who were 2 and 4 years old at the time). The only time my older niece was upset was when the lady had a caesarean and she was worried when she saw all the blood and all that. But once she saw the baby was okay and the mother was smiling and my brother explained it all, my niece was okay, too. And now there's these two very young girls who have it in the backs of their minds that childbirth is a natural process to be observed and guided, not an illness to be treated. He's like this as a dad, so you can imagine what an awesome big brother he was growing up. Very protective, but also very supportive.

So that's how I've battled the propaganda factory surrounding my choice to become a single mother. I think it's affected my day-to-day life in that I view my private life now as I view my life at work with the kids. Don't overreact. Take every something negative or questioning, or flat-out wrong, as an opportunity for a teaching moment. I find joy in knowing that I'm doing all I can to make a lifelong dream come true. I find joy in opening people's hearts and minds to the idea we can all be different, have different family structures, different child rearing philosophies, different beliefs...and yet still be happy and still be supportive and happy for others.

Reverb December 9th - Listo (Resourcefulness)

Trying to catch up on my Reverb reflections, so I'm posting retroactively.

Today's theme is Listo (Resourcefulness), and the question:

How resourceful were you in 2011? What new ways could you incorporate resourcefulness into 2012?

They don't call me PlanB for nothin'! My friend Kenny nicknamed me PlanB because she says I'm "...so adaptable to change." I feel like that ties in to my resourcefulness for 2011. So many completely unexpected things happened (especially in the last six months), and every new challenge that came at me, I took a moment to freak out, then I centered myself and figured out what to do next. How to fix the situation and remove the obstacle, or how to make peace with the obstacle and find another solution...or even just to make peace with there being no solution to an obstacle and finding the strength in taking a different path and doing something completely different.

I planned to start inseminating in July, then I found out that my Bachelor #1 was in quarantine and not available until August. I freaked out. Then I made my peace with it and decided to wait until then. Then my bosses dropped the we're-moving-to-Hong Kong-and-we-want-you-to-come-with-us bombshell. Then they dropped the bombshell that they were moving in July/August. I took a moment to freak out. I got it together, and decided I wasn't ready to leave my work babies yet, and I love new adventures and I would go to Hong Kong...of course, this meant I had to start inseminating right away if I wanted to try to get knocked up before the move. So I had to make my peace with going with Bachelor #2 for my first ICI at home. It was hard to let go of the Me&Bachelor #1 babies I'd been picturing in my head, but through the process I found a sister-friend who was going through the same thing with the same donor. An ally. A sister warrior. And when I didn't get pregnant on that first round, I made peace with that and prepared myself for round two. Once again, the universe shifted. My new sister-friend alerted me that, through some strange miracle, Bachelor #1 was available and I was able to go for ICI at home number two with the donor I truly wanted.

When I didn't get pregnant the second time, I had to make my peace with the idea that I may have to put my baby making plans on the hold shelf for a year or two...until I felt like my work babies could do without me on a full-time basis and I felt okay with leaving Hong Kong. This took more than one freak out moment. It was not an easy peace to make. But I decided that my Potential Future Children did not outweigh the needs of the babies that I'd already put nearly four years into raising. Children are a blessing in life regardless of where they come from, how long they stay in your life, or even of whether or not they're completely your own. I wasn't about to let my two little blessings toddle out of my life before we were all ready to be parted.

I adjusted to a new home, a new way of life. A much smaller circle of friends and a much roomier social calendar. Then I decided that even though I may have to wait until I could be in the States again to try making babies, and even though that may be a long way off, I had to be ready to accept that blessing when it presented itself. I started charting again. And as things fell into place and I re-learned the rhythm of my body, I looked up ahead to realize that I would actually be in the States and ovulating at the same time...I might be able to have another shot at this motherhood thing.

When I started coordinating with a large hospital's fertility clinic, I found the entire process to be frustrating from the start. I felt very much like an unexamined statistic. A number. Then when someone finally got back to me on how much it would cost, I realized what numbers they were really looking at. To make a baby with these people was impossible. It was too expensive by a long shot. I am not a vagillionaire. This too required a moment to freak out. And then came the resourcefulness again. I started searching and found a midwifery practice that would help me do an IUI for a fraction of what the big hospital was charging, and the practice itself was more in line with my personal beliefs, and what I felt comfortable with on a practical, physical level. And they've been amazing and supportive every step of the way! But that is for another post.

Today I have to figure out how I'm going to incorporate resourcefulness into 2012. Everything depends on everything else. I know I'll continue to be resourceful, but how and in which directions depends on how my resourcefulness for 2011 develops. If I get pregnant this month, 2012 will find resourcefulness in how I manage to keep my job and juggle full-time parenthood with full-time nannying on the other side of the planet from where I had originally envisioned starting and raising my little family in Brooklyn. If I don't get pregnant this month, 2012 will find resourcefulness in my figuring out how/when/where to try again...resourcefulness in making peace with not being pregnant and appreciating the joy that can come from other places, both planned and unexpected.

Whatever happens next, I know that I'm as prepared for it as I can be and ready and open to accepting blessings and miracles in my life...even if accepting new blessings means letting go and knowing that the universe will cushion my fall in some new and unexpected way.

Reverb December 8th - Dharma (The Path)

Update: The stars are aligning nicely for my IUI next week. Planned Parenthood has been a sovereign pain in the ass to get my records from for some unknown reason; but today (well tonight for me over here) I finally got the right person on the phone and she promises me that they will re-fax my records over to MAMAH (since she also says that she faxed them first a week ago, I'll wait and see). I spoke to someone at MAMAH to figure out what the general timeline to the procedure looks like. They are open seven days a week, so no matter when I ovulate, I can come in to get knocked up. I had my first acupuncture appointment this past Wednesday. I really liked it. What i don't like is the herbal mixture I was prescribed to help my circulation and help my left kidney to catch up with my right...17 scoops dissolved in 2/3 cup of hot water twice a day with or after a meal. IT TASTES HORRIBLE! It's like trying to drink the bark of a burnt tree. It's mostly cinnamon and ginger and some other detoxifying stuff. Horrible. I hope it doesn't lose its effectiveness when dissolved into hot chocolate because that's the only way I can drink it without developing a stomach ache for several hours afterward. Overall, I like acupuncture though. My acu-doc also recommends that I see someone while I'm in Boston to help increase bloodflow to my uterus. Then two lucky things happened: 1)I found out that MAMAH actually has an acupuncturist on staff, but she only comes on Wednesday afternoons...2) There is an acupuncture practice upstairs from MAMAH in their same building. More pricey than at MAMAH, but....SCORE! Still pretty awesome. I'm excited and atwitter with anticipation. I almost cannot believe that all of the timing is syncing up for this to happen. Miracles and Blessings, right?

In the midst of all this baby-making (and the planning thereof), my lovely and wonderful most-of-my-life friend Cristina introduced me to The Reverb Project. Basically, for the month of December, each day gives a word and a question asking you to reflect on the year that's coming to a close, and you write your answers in a word, or a paragraph, or more. I've just been catching up on Cristina's posts on the theme today and they're all so illuminating - about life, the universe, and everything in general; but also about Cristina who is a dear friend whom I miss talking with about our everyday lives on an everyday basis. So, instead of backtracking (or at least instead of backtracking right away and playing catch-up), I jumped right in on Day 8 today. And lo! What question does today bring?

Wandering can be good for the over-focused creative. How did you wander well this year?

This seemed like such an obvious slam dunk...This year I was given the opportunity to wander very far and wide. This year I picked up my home, my cat, my life, my hopes and dreams, and moved to Hong Kong to follow my work babies. I'm really not sure how or even if that reflects the idea of "wandering well", though. It qualifies as wandering in the sense that I chose to change my path (or at least the place where I walked my daily path) and meander, after a fashion, in an unknown place not knowing what might lie ahead. It feels less like wandering when I think that I'm doing the same job with essentially the same people that I was with on the other side of the planet. Yes, I uprooted my life. But at the moment, and for nearly four years now, my work babies are my life. I've loved little J. since the day we met when she was two and a half months old, and grew to love her more every day after I accepted the job and started looking after her full-time when she was four months old. Little C. has never known a world that didn't have me in it. As far as she's concerned, Mummy and Papa come and go. They get on planes and go away for a few days or a few weeks, and then they eventually come back. But I'm the constant. Mummy goes and Papa goes, but I am always there. And I've grown not only accustomed to being that center of things, but I've grown to enjoy my place in the family. When we're apart for two weeks at Christmas, or a week or two in the summer, I miss them. When I visit my family, they ask me how the girls are doing. They want to see pictures and hear stories about my work babies. In part, I moved to Hong Kong because the time frame for the move was so short (I found out in mid-May and was on a plane over the Atlantic by mid-July). I'm the only nanny that they've ever had. A new home. A new country. New languages. No more familiar neighborhood haunts. No more friends from story times and pre-school in New York. I just felt like the very idea that the children would go through this whole transition and have to also adjust to a new nanny on top of it all would be too much for them. But in another sense, I moved to Hong Kong because the time frame for the move was too short for me to adjust to the idea of a world without my work babies in it. And even though I'd been steadily working up to making a baby of my own, my idea baby couldn't compete with the two flesh and blood babies that I've already been raising for the last almost four years.

But I got here and something changed. I found out briefly before I came that it would not be possible for me to continue my quest at baby making as a single mum in Hong Kong because assisted reproductive technology is restricted to married couples only in Hong Kong. It hit me like a ton of bricks, but I made my peace with it. I had to. I didn't (and still don't) envision leaving my work babies for at least a year, but more likely two. And I don't anticipate the family relocating back to the U.S., much less New York, in anything less than three to five years...if they end up in the U.S. at all. I made my peace with it and decided to pull out all the stops and really go for it when I landed back in the US in a year or two. I'd be two years older and two years less fertile, but in my heart there was no other way.

And then things changed again. I was so depressed after my last U.S.-based attempt at baby making didn't work out that I stopped charting for a time. But when I started charting again, I looked ahead...and month after month, it began to look more and more like I may have a chance to try again during my Christmas holidays in December. It could be my next/last chance! Then I changed. I'd gone into the whole baby making thing wanting very much to do it all at home on my own. To get the sperm on my own. To inseminate by myself at home. As if my baby would be more mine if I didn't have anyone else's help in getting him/her here. But now that I know that eight or nine days from now may be my last chance to even consider getting pregnant again for another two years, I have embraced the idea of getting assistance with my assisted reproductive technology. Instead of trying it out on my own at my Auntie's house, I've opted to go for an IUI and have it done by medical professionals who will not (and have not so far) treat me like a number, or a statistic, or payday and nothing more. Some of it's a little nerve wracking, but the midwives I've been in communication with have been nothing short of a miracle to me.

So, how have I wandered well this past year? I've chosen a different path, but I've realized that taking another route doesn't have to mean letting go of the place where I want to end up. My entire life, I've always dreamed of having children of my own. If I'm honest with myself, I never thought that I'd be doing it alone. This is not the path that I thought I would be on. But it's still a path that will (God willing) lead me to a fat, happy baby of my own. And I'm not alone. On my journey, I've come into contact with some of the strongest, most giving, most thoughtful women I ever could have imagined. Each trying to make a family in our own way. Each trying to shed some light and spread some love to another trying to do the same. And I've been reminded that I've never been alone. From the beginning of this journey, I've had so many well-wishers and so much encouragement from people who have been in my life all along. People who love and accept me for who I am. Who respect my ideas and opinions. Who believe in my ability to speak my ideas into being. People who want my dreams to come true just as much as I want that for myself. My people. We are a strange and far flung community, but we are a community nonetheless.