Reverb December 10th - Ananda (Joy)

Still catching up. Still posting retroactively.

Today's theme: Ananda (Joy). The question:

A positive frame of mind is a habit. How have you silenced the propaganda factory of negativity with positive thought and behavior in your life in 2011? How has this changed your day-to-day being?

I feel like a bit of a broken record, but since this is my TTC blog, I feel okay about having most, if not all, of these reflections coming back to my journey towards becoming a mum. When I announced to family and friends this time last year that I was planning to start making babies on my own, I knew there would be some detractors, or just some people in my life who may not agree on some level with my decision. I feel very blessed and happy to say that those individuals have been very few, and most of them have come around to see things from my perspective and now wish me well in my quest. But in the beginning, i really was battling propaganda. People weren't looking at me and my life and the decision that I'd made. They were looking at some sweepingly generalized idea of The Single Mother and what that meant to them in their own minds and hearts.

I had one friend whom I've always admired as a parent. Her sons are all amazing, giving, loving, strong, yet nurturing individuals. As a parent, I look up to her as a model for supporting your children's dreams and just supporting them in who they are/who they are growing to be as human beings. I first ran into her a few months after I made my announcement via e-mail blast. She was supportive of my decision, but had one caveat: How was I planning to support this child that I was trying to create on my own? I tried not to get defensive (and I hope that I wasn't when I responded), but inside I was a little offended. We all see each other's lives from the outside and, especially on a financial level, none of us really knows how the other is doing. Lots of people who appear to be doing well and living well are really living in the shadow of massive debt and the fear that it could all be gone in an instant. There are also lots of people who seem to get by on very little, but in reality have very rich lives because all of their basic needs are provided for and they are content to live lives built around the love of their families and friends, instead of being built around the material things that they want from the people in their lives. I was a bit taken aback, I suppose, by her question. I'm educated. I have a four-year degree from a prestigious college. I am erudite and loquacious. I am an educator and shaper of young minds on a daily basis. I have gone through hard financial times, but I have always pulled things together to make it work without compromising my beliefs or who I am. And let's face it, making babies this way is not cheap. You have to be pretty comfortable financially to even consider it as an option. Would we be asking this question at all if I were white? Is it some image of a Black single mother in her mind that she's trying to reconcile with her perception of me and the choice that I've made? Am I unwittingly battling the stereotype of the Ghetto Foodstamp Queen because I too am Black and (as things are now) will be raising my child(ren) without a partner? I don't know. Maybe. All of this flashed through my mind in an instant. In the next instant I was explaining to her that my position as a professional nanny actually fits perfectly with my quest for single motherhood. It's the only profession I can think of where it is not only socially acceptable, but perfectly feasible from a work-flow perspective for me to bring my baby to work with me. It makes financial sense because I don't have to pay for childcare. It makes emotional sense as well because, unlike the families that I've worked with over the years, neither I nor my baby will have to go through the separation anxiety that comes when a new mother must leave her child in someone else's care so that she can go back to work. If the family I'm working with now doesn't agree, then that's my cue to exit. There are other families who are very open to the idea. Especially mothers my age and older who think that they may only have the one child. It's comforting for them to know that even though their son/daughter is an only child, he/she can still be raised along side another child of a similar age. Have a built-in playmate. Not be that spoiled, bratty only child because he/she is being raised with another child and will learn to share earlier on, and potty train just that much sooner because the kids are working as a team as much as the adults are. This seemed to quiet her apprehensions and the clouds passed from her face. She congratulated me on my choice and we hugged and talked child rearing and pre-schools.

The other bit of propaganda I've had to battle was when everyone had settled down about the possibility of my becoming a single mother. The conversation does become financial (because having and raising kids is not cheap). People want to know how I'll afford diapers alone. They're so expensive, you go through a gazillion of them, and you really can't do without them. And people want to know about insurance and how I'll pay for hospital bills, etc. My brother and my best guy friend worried the most about this on my behalf (bless their hearts). After my youngest niece has turned 1 year old, he was still getting bills and filling out insurance claims for her birth at the hospital. Everyone is interested and supportive when I explain that I'll be cloth diapering and explain to them the basic principles of E.C. (elimination communication a.k.a. early pottying). And that since I made up my mind to try making babies, I've secretly been building up my diaper stash. I'm saving the fancy $20+ a piece diapers for my baby shower registry, but I have the basics in the sizes I'll need, and I'm not even pregnant yet.

When I go on to explain that I plan to have a home birth with a midwife, I got a megaton of propaganda thrown at me...oddly (in my mind) from two men who can never really go through the birthing experience first hand. I also explained my reasons for wanting a home birth. Then I went home and did some net searching to send my brother and my bestie info I'd amassed about midwifery and home birth statistics, books they should read, home birth videos from youtube, etc. I had bought 'The Business of Being Born" on dvd, and it came with a digital copy. I kept the digi-copy for my laptop and gave the dvd to my brother. The next time we spoke, he reminded me of why I love him so: He said he'd sat down to watch it with his two young daughters (who were 2 and 4 years old at the time). The only time my older niece was upset was when the lady had a caesarean and she was worried when she saw all the blood and all that. But once she saw the baby was okay and the mother was smiling and my brother explained it all, my niece was okay, too. And now there's these two very young girls who have it in the backs of their minds that childbirth is a natural process to be observed and guided, not an illness to be treated. He's like this as a dad, so you can imagine what an awesome big brother he was growing up. Very protective, but also very supportive.

So that's how I've battled the propaganda factory surrounding my choice to become a single mother. I think it's affected my day-to-day life in that I view my private life now as I view my life at work with the kids. Don't overreact. Take every something negative or questioning, or flat-out wrong, as an opportunity for a teaching moment. I find joy in knowing that I'm doing all I can to make a lifelong dream come true. I find joy in opening people's hearts and minds to the idea we can all be different, have different family structures, different child rearing philosophies, different beliefs...and yet still be happy and still be supportive and happy for others.